Quiet

Learn To Be Quiet

Franz Kafka

You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. I read this tonight and it really had an impact. With the snow and the holidays, there's too much quiet around me, but I don't know how to handle the quiet- I find fillers, I get antsy, depression creeps its ugly face into my life. I struggle most with the silence in my life. The moments home alone, time that I'm not talking to friends, I think last night I literally interacted with over 20 people in the course of 2 hours, I couldn't stand to "be alone." Rather then dwell on these words, I am going to read them, think about them and reflect.

Ticket for One

I'm single. I'm not lonely, I hate men and the world single. Rather I have a fabulous group of friends both couples and other single ladies, my life is rich with those who care about me as a person, support me through challenges and challenge me and celebrate good fortune. I really cannot complain. However, two events this past week felt like single was red level alert.

The work holiday party is next Sunday. I'm bringing M, he's kind enough to endure a few hours with my co-workers, the ones he hears "stories" about on a regular basis. Yes, he's my crutch to get through, especially in a room filled with co-workers with their spouses. This week my boss asked me to confirm who is coming etc so he can get the final head count, I said, I assume find out who is bringing a guest. To which he responds, well its really intended for people to bring spouses or a significant other. Part of me was shocked and part infuriated. He explained tha itt is not a "boozer" to bring just anyone, rather an intimate gathering to share with those who are special to us. After listening to him, I said well I had planned on bringing Michael, is that ok? Yes because he's "special" to you. After a few e-mails with the other singles in the office who responded to my awkward e-mail, the singleites were a bit infuriated. First of all it's discriminatory, last time I checked you can't discriminate against marital status in the workplace. Second, I can damn well bring whoever I want to the party. If I wanted to bring a friend, then I should be able to, its my choice. M said the party situation reminded him of the SATC episode in which Carrie's shoes are stolen at a party, it was her "choice" to buy $500 shoes, yet the numerous gifts she had bought for said friend, those were life events she was supporting. My "choice" to be single at work now seperates me from my other co-workers. N said that in previous years she has brought friends, her brother to work events, wanting to share the occasion with them, that she is always invited to bring a guest.

Last night Jaxon hosted people for the holiday dinner, over 50 people were attending. I walk in the door, you either take a single ticket or a couple ticket. Great, I'm being "singled out" for being single again. I went straight for the wine and said hello to those who were already there. Finally it was time for dinner. I have to say, I was impressed how he handle this, people were mixed up, a few couples per table, mixed with singles. A couple of single girls had made themselves a couple so they could sit together. I ended up at a table with a few friends and a few new people. Sadly I didn't end up talking tot he two cute guys I spotted, one was at my table rather I did mostly converse with those I knew. One of the things I'm grateful for is that many of our couple friends are not clingy rather they operate seperately at events, you'll find them sitting apart, conversing with others and enjoying the good company of friends.

Am I single by choice? I don't actually know. My immediate reaction is to say no. But honestly, its yes. I could pick up just "any" guy but rather I won't settle for less for true dating. I've slept/dated with not the best people in the past, but I would never refer to them as a boyfriend. Rather I partially like a pretty independent life. Yes, there are few I heavily depend on and without them I might be more likely to seek out a boyfriend. The holidays seem to heighten the feeling of being alone. But I don't feel alone. I have friends, wonderful people. Sometimes in the morning, I snuggle in bed under the covers with the kitties wishing there was a warm manly body next to me. My fresh shaven leggs, with that silky feeling would be more appreciated by a boy. Last night I had to dust off the cobwebs on my razors so I could wear a dress sans leggings or fishnets which I've been wearing recently for warmth of course. I have to remind myself, I'm only 26, I have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right and according to the psychic, when I do, it will be incredible. But for now, I have to remind myself, I am single by choice and its not a bad thing.

Interior Transformation

It's Saturday, but I'm awake at 7:30am, how ironic that most mornings it takes the jaws of life to get me out of bed yet this am I could easily jump out of bed. I am the kid on Christmas day. My brain is on one single track that plays over and over and over. Last week I brought together 4 wonderful ladies and tasked them with arduous endeavor of redecorating motel 6. In preparation, I laundered piles and piles of clothes, cleaned- still more cleaning to be done, doesn't quite "sparkle" the way I want. Noelle arrived with a poster of inspiration- things that represent Lorraine. Denae and I worked on our own personal weekly goals, evaluating the success of previous weeks, I was on track with the home stuff, off track with eating. Natasha and S, they arrived with a mission. We first brainstormed- what I needed, how my place should reflect me and most of all that is was not necessary for me to check out quite yet rather revamp my living space to bring peace to my inner core. My hand me downs and Craigslist finds were good, but lacked a cohesive style. The first step was we re-arranged the living room, cleared out old boxes from QA and did some adjusting in the bedroom. Quickly the yin and the yang of my apartment changed- my bed now framed by both side tables/lamps that I love looks inviting. The living room now flows into the kitchen, for an open feel and ease of entertaining.

Step Two. S and N both started to send a multitude of e-mails, CL finds- new furniture, fun accents from Etsy (my new favorite site)- including an incredible find of a $350 Ikea Armoire for $75 to hide my television. S- with her lack of inertia for work, picked paint samples, tirelessly throughout the week sending me links and suggestions. Today was planned as decorate/paint day. Yesterday got the formal go ahead from the landlord. Last night after working WAY too many hours this week, I decided to actually leave work at 5pm and a trip to Pier 1 was necessary. Still not feeling completely confident in the plan for today, I needed some direction, so I asked S to come. We wandered, found the cross I liked (yes, I am hanging a cross in my apartment!) then we looked at curtains, pillows and other various accents. Found a lamp that I love for an affordable price. Next, Target (Targe). The vision came together. Not going to make the grand reveal yet, that is saved for pictures later tonight. The crew is coming over today to help transform (minus N- she will have to wait for the grand finale).

There is the big Prop 8 march today- my heart is there, but today my brain is on other things. I in complete solidarity support the repeal however I don't think I am going. I want to make another trip to Target to possibly pick up a lamp, Crate and Barrel and other last minute details to prepare for today (already have the wine!). Cycling is in an hour, I should get out of bed and go. However, I think I will clear out the garbage, get the cooler in the car and do other tasks to really prep for today. I feel like once this task is complete I can focus on working out again (and new headphones since the cat chewed on mine leaving me with one less earbud).

Don't Stop Believing

My alarm went off yesterday, but I didn't need the annoying beep that I dread daily. I quickly got dressed and left my apartment. I was a woman on a mission. I drove to Coe Elem. which is right behind the old QA apartment. I had my voters registration card in my purse. Ready. In front of me I hear 610 1/2 W. McGraw... its tweet tweet. I say hi. She says come sit next to me. I get my official ballot. I start to fill it. I've never done this before. I have a confession. It's actually my first time voting ever. In the past, I thought, oh we'll win, or neglected to register. This year was different. I wanted to caucus. And now, the day is here. I actually started to put X's through the circles, no I needed to fill them in completely (Thanks Robyn). I was done. Pretty easy. Exhilerating. The Rush of knowing I had the power to make a change. Pretty cool. Proudly wearing my "I voted" sticker we had coffee- she filled me in on the gossip of the new neighbors.

I headed to work. Hopeful, neverous my emotions were stronger than expected. I already planned to go to Babeland for my free silver bullett at lunch. I tasked Kyle to watch the election results. Hour by hour my attention span faded, wanting to grab my champagne from the fridge and head to the Westin. 5pm hit, I was ready. Checked Cnn- McCain 8, Obama 3. It's early. I meet Deb for some drinks, we are gaining ground, I can already feel the momentum gaining. Obama gaining more and more electoral votes. I think he's going to do this. Happiness exuding from my pores. We get on the SLUT (just realized it was my first SLUT ride) to the Westin. Head to Jaxon's suite. Everyone is there. And the night went from there, we celebrated. We laughed. Victory was close. Finally it was time to head to the main ballroom. The room was packed. I had grabbed a celebratory glass of champagne just in case. We pick a spot. Rick Steves spotted in front of us... hot damn! And then its announced. Ohio. The election is ours. We did it. I scream, feeling happier than I've ever felt before. Fists in the air, yelling our motto "YES WE CAN." Our hell of the last 8 years is over. We made history- the first African American president. Obama is the man. Wow... I'm speachless. The energy and emotion in the room is indescribable. We make phone calls, texts start coming through, oh my god... its really happening.

We return to the suite to watch his acceptance speach at Grant Park. Crazy. I'm on the 39th floor of the Westin hotel celebrating with some of the most incredible people I know. I'm over-joyed. Adrenaline rush through my veins. It's happened. McCain surrenders. No more worries of Prez. Palin- which now has come out that the Mavericks barely spoke to each other. Not sure what he was thinking, but for sure a recipe for failure. We continue to party. I make some blue drink that is pure alcohol. I'm golden for the rest of the night. We party like rock stars. I accost Rick Steves. We visit several parties. My first spiritual political experience was the March for Women's Lives in 2004, this was a million times better. My country just voted for a political leader I believe in, not just anyone, the man that gives me chills and makes my heart tingle. He believes in equality. He supports choice. His wife is awesome. And most of all, he believes in the power of his country not in the scary way of Bush, rather our power to change, celebrate our freedom. I finally leave the Westin at 3am. The lastest I've stayed out in a long time. Still a bit drunk with my bottle of CMS red I stole from Gregoire's party- oh yeah, we ended up in one of her parties.

Wednesday was the morning after. Just like the first time you have really hot sex with someone, the glow remains and you are on top of the world. We had come together as a country. My hangover loomed, it was going to be a rough day, but 100% worth it. A friend recently compared Nov. 5 to post 9-11, but the opposite. Stories of people hugging each other in the streets, yelling yes we can. A friend told me about people on his bus celebrating. Rosa Parks would be proud. Last I watched videos, read blogs, our nation rejoiced. Neighbors in Capitol Hill played Don't Stop Believing. The song, the crowd pretty much sums up how I felt.

We have a long ways to go. Prop 8 still looms. Schools to fix. States that voted against gay couples adopting. States that continue to pass anti-choice measures. However, we have a President elect who supports gay marriage (civil unions), pro-choice measures, comprehensive sex education, preserving our planet, and tax cuts for the average working american. I plan to go to church this Sunday, to give thanks for bring change and hope to our nation.

Running

I finally did it, i put on my running shoes and went out for a run. The streets are covered with leaves, but I persevered. I think I ran for about 40 minutes, well actually ran/walk. My heart rate was up for sure. I stopped back by M's house for a drink of water then kept going. On my journey I saw several walks of shame, people out with their children, couples drinking coffee on their porches and the condom I almost stepped on. Plus remnants of last night- pieces of Halloween costumes that were abandoned by partiers, candy wrappers, empty beer cans and of course many jack o'laterns decaying on steps. 

The fresh air is rejuvenating. The air is crisp. More importantly it is quiet. I sometimes forget that I don't like the city. I'm like those yin yang cookies, half of me is white chocolate and half is dark chocolate. Part of me loves the city, the urban lifestyle- the restaurants, the happy hours and the constant flow of people. Yet the other half thrives on trees, smaller communities, being by the water and a less complicated way of life. Then there's the part that wants the bigger change. Austin is still very much so on the brain. I have quite a bit on my plate right now, I'm working longer hours, I still want to be in better shape physically and I am in the process of making home home. I hit a low this past month. I was hiding from myself and others. I found myself trying to find comfort in food- eating badly and still feeling empty. I neglected the gym, made excuses why I couldn't go- I was still slightly sick, I had to do stuff at home (which I never really never ended up doing) and I wouldn't pack my stuff. A friend put a challenge on- we both set goals and I'm trying to get back on track. I need to motivate myself. Remind myself how good I feel when I eat better, workout and keep a well rounded life. I tried this dating website, not entirely happy with the experience, then like so many other things in my life abandoned it when bored.  I see a pattern, but not quite sure how to overcome it in my life- counseling? Drugs? More journaling/writing? All of the above? 

Lines

Last night was life changing. Well not really. But in an odd sense, something big happened. My friend N invited S and I to this party in West Seattle hosted by a gay Realtor from her work. Decked out in our "musical theme attire" we drank champagne prior to the party then headed to West Seattle. I kid you not this was like entering an alternate universe, some people decorate for Christmas, these men have Halloween down to perfection. A the gracious host gave us the grand tour which included telling us there was a palm reader. We laughed, that sounds like fun, then moved onto get drinks, eat delicious food and talk with N's co-workers. Incredible details in this beautiful West Seattle home, this for sure is not the college parties of my 20s nor what I'll probably be doing next Friday. We mingled, decided to wait in line to have our palms read, why not, the line was too long so we went back to the party. N and I infatuated with the food including the chocolate fondue fountain. So cannot wait for next years party- even got a preview of the theme. The line was shorter for the Palm Reader, it was close to mid-night, why not, we wait. We are the last ones in, wheee, he's tired but ready to read our palm lines. I go first.

He says wow, you have a LOT going on. I hope this isn't too personal, but you have a medical problem with your torso area, stomach-lower back, something isn't right. Damn, yup, my tummy, it bothers me. You need to fix this. It's causing you pain/stress. Ok yes, he's right keep on going. I'm starting to realize this isn't quite the fluff I had believed in the past. Next point, you have to do some self-acceptance, be confident in yourself, embrace yourself. You've recently acquired some power, in the past you've had several experiences that left you feeling powerless. Don't abuse the power, be strong but hold back a bit. Damn, he's pretty accurate. Next, you have great intuition about people, keep that to yourself, don't share it, that knowledge is powerful, rather sit back, let it come to you and process it. Woa.... this is getting a bit spooky. My lines come together (want to research this some more), this means I have something great to contribute to the world, I have something to give. Don't ignore that, what I'm doing right now is not related to what I have to give. I need to pursue those interests that fuel my soul, make me happy. Oh crap. Then one last note, keep writing, you are a natural editor. HOLY FUCK. This man just told me everything spot on going on in my life, my head. N and S were sitting there nodding, they knew all this. I have a full plate, a lot to accomplish.

He moves onto S (this is her own story to tell) and then N. Both were incredibly accurate- relationships, life etc. Things both have dealt with recently. Very very erie. Lastly he reads N's former co-worker J. Oddly he mentions all three of their love lives. After he finishes, I say, I have a question, you talked about their love lives, but not mine, why? He says it wasn't as strong for you. Has me lay out my hand. Tells me that I have more important things to focus on but love will come. Not to worry. Next, he says... "What the hell...." as he is observing my palm. Have you been in love before? No. Are you in a relationship? No. Have you been in a significant relationship? No. Are you sure? Well I have this friend, we are pretty close. Bam! This relationship is like a soul mate but not sexual. Yup. With a gay man? Yes. Let this person be your soul mate, its ok right now but know that in the future once you tackle the other stuff you will find a great love and it will knock your socks of anything you've felt before. You are worthy of being love and can give great love. You are damn sexy and beautiful, you'll be fine. You have quite a bit to achieve, your love life is the least of your problems.

This little party had just changed my life. A complete stranger accurately described most of my inner battles. He defined my life path. He doesn't know me, I said nothing to him, all I did was lay out my palm to him. Still trying to process the information. I didn't believe in any of this stuff til yesterday. Now, well, I'm convinced. I watched this man accurately describe all three of our lives, our battles- strengths and weaknesses. What does this mean for me? Well, it means to start focusing again on my health- my body, working out, eating right. To keep writing in Scrumptious Seattle. Learn my new management position. And most importantly, come into self acceptance. I've known all of these things. But I've been tasked. I know I want that great love he speaks of, but I have quite a bit to accomplish before I can find that soul mate. For now, I guess its M. (Oh and that doesn't mean I can't have sex and he says that's what Toys in Babeland is for! LOL). Contribute something great to the world? Damn.... what does that mean? Still a bit overwhelmed by the experience, but oddly feeling calmer. Lately I've been falling again into a middle depression. I feel a sense of purpose, greater than I've ever felt before. I have more of a sense of meaning to my life. Feeling a bit overwhelmed in the words of Sarah Palin, you betcha, but I see hope and change. I wonder if Obama has the merging of lines, what would a Palm Reader say about him? I will keep on writing.

Thank you N, for inviting me. Changing my life. Just realized I was supposed to go to Bellingham this weekend but M had too much homework, he pushed it back til next weekend. I believe there was a reason I went to this party, I was destined to go. I am honored to share the experience with two wonderful people in my life.

Men

I am confused by the male species. You give mixed signals. Granted us women are no better. However, recent endeavors with a particular dating site baffles me. For instance, this evening, a certain user messages me, apparently my picture of myself in a tankini was "something only old women and mothers wear," then proceeded to tell me he was turned on and would have sex in the kitchen with me. Oh and btw, I'm having an affair with a 22 year old Ukrainian woman. WTF??? Is this supposed to be a turn on? Are these the people I am destined to meet?

I am still looking to meet Mr. Right. I know he's out there, but please come out from hiding. There were two cute guys who walked into Baracktoberfest on Saturday, of course they sat alone, I didn't talk to either. Then there's the hot SW Board Member who used to be on Survivor that I have a sorta secret crush who happened to show up.

I have hope that things will be different. I need change just as much as we do in this country. I'm looking to go on a date. Not hook up with some random guy. Nor settle. I have expectations. And yes, a little sex would be nice too.

Organic 101

Building Community Roots

On Saturday my roots to my past and present community connected. I had the opportunity to go to Roy, WA to pick apples. I was initially excited about the prospect of picking apples, but of course when it was early Saturday I was not quite so enthusiastic. As we approached Tacoma I started to feel the same feeling every time I approach the city of destiny, a bit of longing but mostly love. Yes, I do love Tacoma. But this time I continued on I-5 towards 512 onto Puyallup. The last time I was in Roy was to re-charter an Explorer post, I didn't want to be there. As I drove past the fire station, I remembered my meeting, not exactly the most positive time in my life, rather survival. This past weekend my feelings toward Roy changed.

We were picking apples for the homeless. For The Emergency Food Network on an orchard maintained by the Korean Woman's Associated and formerly associated with Associated Ministries and Mother Earth Farms. These names all meant something to me. My heart grew bigger immediately as we heard the ED talk about their mission and focus. My roots in two very separate communities had just made a connection. The above mentioned names were closely connected with my former college and church I had worked. Although I was never directly involved with them, I knew about them, a former mentor/friend served on the board for several of the names- later talking with David, the Ed, he knew Jim and Nancy. We had commonalities.

This was the first harvest for the apples. They are organic. I had the special apple collector on and began one by one removing the apples from the tree. Saturday was the epitome of a fall day- cool, crisp and sunny. Apple picking was something we did almost every fall as a child. We'd pick apples, make apple cider and pies. Most importantly I was connecting to the earth on another level. It's different from hiking or going to the park. I felt fulfilled. Happy. I actually spent most of the time alone during the project. Talked briefly to a few. Mostly content spending time with mother earth, I was experiencing my form of spirituality, my version of church.

Our project was covered by the Tacoma News Tribune. The article about our Saturday of apple picking includes a quote by me. Unfortunately there are no pictures on the website.

After the project I took the team to the Harmon then had the opportunity to show a few people in my car some places in Tacoma. They joked that I needed to work for the Tacoma tourism council. I really do love Tacoma. Just like Neko in Thrice All American, my heart will always have a special place for the dusty old jewel in the south Puget Sound. Tacoma is my community, always will be an integral part of shaping the person I have become.

Thank you for bringing two very important communities to me together. My roots connected in a way I never expected them to, a wonderful surprise. I cannot wait to make a pie tomorrow with the handpicked apples.

Fitness - I Put in 5 Miles at the Office - NYTimes.com

I'd actually love to have this at the office, not for just weight loss but to maintain a more active less sedentary lifestyle. What happens if you trip? The end of wearing oh so uncomfortable high heels?

Fitness - I Put in 5 Miles at the Office - NYTimes.com

Emotionally Drained

I was so excited for the gym tonight. The sun was shinning but I was heading inside to run on the treadmill, still feeling the adrenaline rush from Monday's workout, ready for the challenge of running just a little bit more. I was talking to my dad updating him on recent work events (more to come on that). 30 Minutes later I went to turn on the ignition, nothing, my car wouldn't start. I thought maybe I had pulled a blond, was the car in park, yes, no, it really should start. FUCK. After several phone calls with M, including finding out that my mom had neglected to pay the AAA bill which lapsed in July, I had them coming. i called my mom and screamed and swore, how could she forget to pay the most crucial bill, its meant for emergencies, this isn't the first time there have been problems, lapsed bills that could potentially lead to serious issues. Miraculously my car started 30 minutes later, thank you to S (both of you!) and M for being there. I talked to Sherrie for awhile. She said you know we are your family, those who are there for you in emergencies, its us and Michael, not your mom. I know that, its proved time and time again.

Tonight I tried calling her around 8:30pm, busy. Finally around 9:15pm I get a phone call from her, she says I assume you got home fine. I say yes, explain that I got my car started. Then she quickly moves onto another topic, the random neighbor who I've met twice has cancer and other frivolous topics. I think to myself, my friends called, checked to make sure everything was ok, you call two hours later and had been on the phone all night, what if there was a major problem, it shows your lack of caring. I become more and more emotionally detached, I don't call my mom for support. Even when I want support, its lacking. This was the final straw, I'm done. It's time that I take control whether its wanted or not, clearly she's incapable of handling her own finances. I've also officially detached myself. I'm done. It hurts more than anything in the world, but I have to. It hurts too much to want more, to in the back of my head secretly hope that she'll say I love you, give me a hug when I see her or ask me a question about something in my life.

On a good note, the unknown at work finally came through Friday. I have a HUGE career change coming with multiple benefits. I (hopefully) will finally be challenged at work. It's a step forward not a step backwards plus a generous raise which is so badly needed. Contract still yet to be signed, not officially anounced in the work place so I have to be somewhat vague (sorry A!). I cannot wait for weeks to come and for the change to happen, I feel a difference even in myself and my approach to my work, I'm not dreading the day, the tasks rather I know that I'm noticed and recognized, my attention to detail, follow through and professional has been noticed by the once that matters, that means the world to me.

Scrumptious Seattle is LIVE

My new food blog is finally being officially announced aka gone LIVE. Please check it out, comment etc. It's my goal to make this something BIG. I'm working on it as I go, so feedback would be great. My alter ego voracious girl is excited and cannot wait to do more blogging about my favorite places.

http://scrumptiousseattle.wordpress.com/

Framing My Life

I'm making Motel 6 home. Yesterday I decided to go through pics, pic out some special ones from trips, friends visiting from out of town and fun events. I found as I was going through my albums on iphoto how much my life has changed over the years. Random pics with the party friends from college who I don't talk to now, good memories, but not my life. Lots of pics of M and I, in our old QA place- when we got the cats, random moments, road trips etc and then my "new" life here in Seattle. I carefully picked ones that meant something, people who bring meaning to my life. The professional ones from J's wedding turned out beautiful, I had three black and whites printed, one of J & I, one of M, R, J and I and then one of M & I, I actually already had a black and white frame, so now they are hanging in my living room, looking stunning. I replaced the random shoe and starbucks girl that J gave M & I for xmas with one of N & I in her bathroom getting ready for K's B-day and one from the wine tasting at SLU Block party of Lisanna, Carla, Karianne and I. I have more I want to frame- ones from Walla Walla Wine Tasting, J's various visits, K's B-Day, the Butter House Girls, Florida, Sam's Wedding, and a few others. I'm excited to see them framed in my apartment. I may be single however I really have wonderful people who fill my life with love, support and happiness. I can't to see the pics from when Jess was here, I want some ones of the "new and improved" us. The people that make my life here in Seattle home are finally coming home in my life. It feels good.

This weekend has been full, but not "busy," in a bad way. Slowly the weekend has evolved, various events filling the days some by me, some by others. But it doesn't feel draining. I have good people in my life that don't exhaust me, bring me down or accept status quo; rather they challenge me, when they ask how are you doing they really mean it. I've been debating beach camping, finding excuses not to go, when I relayed them yesterday, others found solutions- oh you can sleep in our tent, we are leaving later too etc; showing they wanted me to go- now the ball is in my court, it's really my decision. Adding just enough me time has helped, but I still thrive very much so on interactions with others- make that positive interactions. I'm going to get started on my "famous" blueberry muffins, crank up some music- enjoy my leisurely morning before I head to S's for brunch.

You Had Me at "Hello"

My heart is fluttering and yes its because of a man. Not just any man. He's making history. He's ready to change the world and give us hope. I've never felt so inspired by a political candidate, I want him to be President, he makes me believe in a country where equality of all kinds is possible. It's fate that it is the 45th anniversary of another great person's dream. This man is part of a team, a team that is destined for greatness, I can feel it. Barack Obama, you gave me chills tonight, thank you for believing in our country, in making a difference.

A Bit of Peace

This past week was not good. I don't really want to blog about the events leading to the lovely lillies on my desk at work, however the re-set button was pushed big time. I've been writing quite a bit about the balance between me time and my "busy" life. Monday I was in no mood to do anything, I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, my favorite comfort movie. I on purpose didn't schedule anything. I started to run at the gym but didn't feel good so I called K asked if she wanted to make dinner together, we did, it was nice- watched some family guy and relaxed. Wednesday I found myself having another night alone, not quite ready for the gym, I played some Wow, more me time. Thursday the sun came out, I was feeling good so S joined me for a fantastic walk to Golden Gardens, we had a great talk and I got some exercise in with a nightcap at Carla's. Then I found out the Sam was coming for a spur of the moment visit plus so was J, I was excited to see both of them. I knew I had some major cleaning to do but had volunteered to walk Fifa which was really lovely and then had some sushi with K who also helped me with cleaning.

This weekend even having my out of town guests has been relaxing. We've walked a TON, including a long walk at Alki in the lovely summer heat and to Ballard and back several times. Today was really the perfect day. I slept in, much needed! Then walked to the farmers market, had some coffee from Verite, bought produce then did some errands together, picked blackberries for crisp and made dinner. I really enjoyed making dinner tonight with Sam, I've missed cooking, sharing making food together, talking while preparing food etc. It was super easy and healthy. I'm beginning to wonder if I really do like living alone? Do I need to bring more people into my home more often? I cherish my alone time, my secret single behaviors and having my own space. However, I miss sharing certain things with other people in my home. Home feels like home with them here, having dinner, now relaxing, doing our own things- reading, playing computer games etc. I know my own internal issues are mine to process myself however I need to bring people in more into my world rather than keep my home and social life separate. Finding balance is key. Working out (I also do miss my walks!), being social, my own personal activities (wow, reading, cooking/baking) all are crucial to keeping myself in check, neither extreme is all that good. Right now I feel peaceful, for once it feels good and right having some solace.

Working in Strides

This week was focused on bringing the gym back, it's not quite as much about bringing sexy back, although I do still check the calories burned and for sure want those 10lbs gone. It's about bringing me back. I want to run, feel healthy again and have that time to just be. I made it to the gym 4x this week, I bonded with the treadmill. I took Friday off for block party, today I need to head there in a bit since our hike was canceled and I'm bringing my work out stuff to Bellingham so I can go for a jog with M. I feel more focused, centered and in balance. I'm paying more attention to what I eat, not just this looks good so I'll eat it rather watching my calorie intake and eating more fruits/veggies. I've talked to a couple of seasoned runners about doing some runs, T gave me some good advice about the treadmill. Running is going to be MY thing. I'm at a different place than I was a year ago, my body is healthier, fit, I have to re-align my goals. My attitude needs adjusting too, N sent a great article about keeping it positive, its just as important as the actual work out. So true. I'm on the cusp of change and I like it!

What Makes Me Tick

I keep talking about a shake up- there's something missing, yeah the job/work situation could be better, a significant other/more active dating life and home isn't quite right. The idea of Austin still resides in the back of my head. Moving abroad to Europe- possibly.

Some individuals- M & K especially don't think I should leave Seattle, thats not the solution. My life here is busy, I'm actually too busy- barely enough time to take care of the necessities. So what makes me tick? I'm not quite sure. Maybe thats the problem, not knowing my purpose.

This weekend was spent mostly with the "old" friends- J & M with a bit of seeing K & N, the new friends and randomly running into S twice in 24 hours! Both J & M have made big changes in their lives (Bham/school for M & MN/marriage for J) but we manage to continue to be "good" friends, I know both of them really well, trust them, care about them, in some ways they are my family. I brought laundry to J's mom's house & we had "family" dinner; M and I, well its complicated, but we easily fall into a routine together, It's comfortable. In someways they make me tick, my life depends on others to make me happy, which isn't how it should be.

"Community" it was the buzz word in college, we still laugh about that word, however I do have one here. Seeing S around town was evidence of my newly formed Seattle community. M said he never had that here, I for sure didn't for a long time. Community does make me tick- my activities reflect my interests. However my soul isn't here. I'm not really sure where my soul resides. I fill up my calendar- each weekend is full literally: next block party/hiking/Bellingham, the following weekend teamworks, then Victoria/camping with M, then labor day weekend Jess/Bumbershoot?, beach camping and then Austin in September! Weeks fill up easily with different social events. Gym and dieting have taken a backseat in my life, however I seemed to be happier when I went to the gym on a regular basis- body image continues to be a struggle- I'm trying to overcome it, but its a long uphill battle.

I'm trying to face fears/obstacles- but its a battle, my anxiety for sure gets in the way, the belief in my head that I can't do it, the large brick blocking my progress. There are things I want to try- biking (haven't been on a bike in over 10 years), running (still haven't made it for a full run yet), photography (need a new camera), learn to drive a stick (the 1st time was a bit rocky), blogging (need more time to figure it out), learn indesign/photoshop (i feel lost)... the excuses are plentiful.

How do I move forward with progress in my life? When will I reach that happy medium?

Findings - 10 Things to Scratch From Your Worry List - NYTimes.com

All the things that a typical Seattlelite worries about? Are we just crazy? Wait plastici bags aren't bad for the environment, then why did our City Council vote 6-1 to ban them?

Findings - 10 Things to Scratch From Your Worry List - NYTimes.com

Seattle Tourist

These past three days I was a tourist in my own city. Recently both N and S wrote about being a tourist in Seattle- what would you suggest to someone coming to explore the city. My friend had lived in Tacoma, so she was somewhat familiar to Seattle, her friend had never been here before and the other visiting from Phoenix had been here a handful of times.

We started off Thursday with a concert at Chateau St. Michelle winery- this winery on its own is beautiful- but adding Chris Isaak, brilliant. I had prepared a picnic of mostly local ingredients- salumi sausages, local cheeses (Mount Townsend, Beachers and a new one at MetMarket), fresh local berries, salmon mouse, crab dip, lavender shortbread and bread from Essential Baking company. Another girl who joined us brought salmon freshly smoked by her father. Unfortunately we drank all 4 bottles of wine then to find out that they had stopped selling wine. After the concert we had passed a dive bar- of course we made a spot- I ordered cans of Rainier for everyone- its the local version of BudLight fresh from the mountain.

Friday we headed to Snoqualamie Falls- yes its a tourist attraction- highlighted by my poor friend throwing up in front of the tourist bus! But it is an incredible view and a way to see nature at its finest. Returning to Ballard we ate lunch at Ray's Cafe- good food and amazing view. Afterwards wandered around the locks- boating and salmon- quinessential Seattle. Then a trip up to Queen Anne- Kerry Park, my favorite spot in the city for reflecting. We were blessed with clear sunny skies to highlight the skyline. Friday night we did Belltown and Pike Place. Started at Cascadia for miniburgers and the Alpine Martini (whats more Northwest than a little douglas fir in your drink!), then onto Flying Fish for a spur of the moment stop for fresh oysters (my first time actually), which turned into crab, calamari, salad and oysters. Finally time for our "dinner" reservation at Matts in the Market. Matt's is not a tourist spot, rather still seems to be the local gem that hasn't been invaded by the masses. Our table was still being used so we were treated to some free wine. A fabulous meal (everyones favorite so far) with a view of the market and the sound that was spectacular. Karen came from the dessert it was that good. I was contemplating a trip to the Lusty Lady, but per our server's advice we checked out the CanCan club below for a burlesque show- perfect. Men, women and some cross-dressers decked out flaunting their stuff, we didn't even need to go to Capital Hill for a bit of the "other" side of Seattle tourists miss.

Saturday we started off with pastries from Cafe Besalu near my house- another hidden gem that most tourists would not know about. Then onto the ultimate tourist activity- the Duck Tour. The brownies I consumed before made it a bit more enjoyable, but I have to say even as a local I had a blast- learned a few facts I did not know. It's a great overall tour of the basic neighborhoods in the downtown area. Plus even the local saw the Sleepless in Seattle houseboat for the 1st time. Afterwards lunch at Aqua Verde- we had planned to kayak but it was a bit chilly. Then onto the Central District for a stop at a friends house- real live gentrification in action in Seattle! Back to Ballard for the Sea Star (H was obsessed with Dangerous Catch!). Dinner in lower QA Phucket- sometime simple and cheap then onto the Torchlight prarade for a bit (H had to see the guy from deadliest catch!- we even chased after him) and then onto the Space Needle for a glass of wine. Being at the Space Needle I remembered why I love this city- its the ultimate tourist experience, however myself I could see all the spots that mean something to me- my gym, Noelle's work/South Lake Union, QA, Alki and the incredible beauty that makes Seattle home. We did a LOT in two days, however there was still more I wanted to show them- we didn't ride the SLUT (tried to buy t-shirts but they were closed), would of been fun to go out in Capitol Hill, the Seattle Art Museum or even better an outside art tour with local galleries and graffiti art, a walk around Greenlake, Skillet, Bainbridge and the 5 Spot (we were supposed to do breakfast but were a bit full from the 3-restaurant dinner the night before).

Yes, Seattle isn't a New York, Chicago or like a European city. People still are too dependent on cars. I observed Friday night that downtown was really dead (maybe everyone was in Capitol Hill), people don't walk nor use transportation (we did a quick jaunt on the #2), but we are changing, making our city more Urban. We are young, but Seattle is a vibrant thriving Seattle with quite a bit to offer.

Blogger

I know many of you who read this blog are bloggers. I consider myself an amateur blogger- no pictures, special links to websites in my entries, rather simple entries sometimes stream of consciousness. I love blogging, I find it relaxing but I find excuses for not expanding my blog capabilities. I'd like to start a food blog- oh wait I already did, scrumptiousseattle, yet it remains untouched. I eat something and think, god I wish I had an iphone (on a side note I saw a Starbuckian waiting in line at Skillet with a 3G, seriously wanted to go ask if I could see it/touch it) or a better camera. Today I ate my Skillet lunch- israeli couscous with mint, feta, raisins, pistachios, lemons and squash with the tarragon chicken salad... would of been perfect to post, but alas no camera. I want a fantastic header- need to use photo-shop to make it. Excuses.

Why didn't I go for a run yesterday- no good reason, just an excuse. My car isn't clean- why? I am lazy and hate doing it, its the honest answer. In preparation for my out of town guests I have been cleaning like crazy, each time I get out of the car I bring something in or throw it away. Last night when I got undressed instead of draping my dress over the hamper, I hung it up in the closet. I am trying to build little habits that will prevent the clutter that seems to dominate my life.

I find myself constantly checking blogs, I am almost infatuated with the various blogs out there. My friends write intelligent witty and of course poignant essays on various life events with sometimes a bit of honesty that isn't in every day conversation. I keep up on my google reader checking MyBallard, Seattlest and other various local blogs for news and events. I am saddened to report my lack of interacting with a real news paper in my life. Last weekend while volunteering at Beacon Hill Elementary we were lining some areas with wet newspaper, as we were plunging the newspaper in the water, I found myself enthralled with reading the articles, so many interesting articles, things I wanted to read. Yet, like so many things in my life, if I actually took the time to subscribe, the papers would pile up in my apartment with articles I intended to read. How do we find the balance between our technologically enriched world and a bit of reality- the tangible things in life. How do we find that balance? Instead of wasting over an hour on facebook when I "have no time" why didn't I call my dad back, go for a run or clean the bathroom. I posed the question last night to N & K about spending time alone and how we have several friends who seem to balance home time, internet time and social activities much better- they do domestic things (cook, craft projects etc) as well as read, write real letters to friends and still keep a very technologically savy lifestyle. I find as I explore what makes me tick, I am missing balance in my life. When I told M about my day alone, he replied good, I want to hear more things like that. Those of you who make goals happen, you inspire me- Noelle for your carfree month, Jess for your dedication to working out/eating healthy, Karianne- finding the new career headfirst, Michael-completing your first year of Western with almost a perfect gpa and Susanna- doing all that you do- dating, traveling- being happy with you.

When Something Isn't Right

Lately I've been feeling discontent. I couldn't pinpoint what exactly my discontent was about. Yes there are the job issues, the unknown, but part of me has expected that. M keeps saying I am running from something, by keeping myself too busy. Lauren and I talked about a similar state for a shared friend, running from the unknown. Recently, I've found myself unhappy, slowly I started to return to my trust worthy friend, food. I ate taco bell. Sober. If it sounded good, it went into my mouth. Alison described it perfectly, feeling like a stuffed sausage in its casing. My new slim clothes were feeling tight. I tried to put on my freshly washed skinny jeans, nope, not unless I lied down were they closing. I got pissed. How did I let this happen. 10lbs. From my low weight. Not acceptable.

Friday I had the honor of being a guest at S's cottage. Immediately when I walked in and gave myself the grand tour, I pin-pointed one of the problems. Motel 6. I found myself envisioning what it would be like to live in one of the cottages. Flowers adorning the front yard. I could grow herbs. A real fireplace the centerpiece of the small yet homey living room. I watched as she cooked us a delicious homemade meal, her kitchen filled with recipes and the ingredients for meals. I could envision the same thing. I never said I loved my apartment. Yes, I like my location. Not my home. I am never here. I am ghost in my own surroundings. Love living alone yes, however this apartment is not me. I knew that from the beginning, I could afford it and I was rushed. Now its time to start looking, find something that is me. I've only been here a few months, but the answer is crystal clear. I never cook nor entertain. Tonight as part of my efforts to start eating healthy again, I made a simple green salad with some Uli's chicken sausage. Super easy. As I chopped the garlic for my dressing, I couldn't remember the last time I had done this, months ago. Literally. My favorite knife rests in the drawer collecting dust. Instead I eat sweet potato fries and chicken nuggets. When was the last time I baked, months, I think once. I want to start cooking again. I enjoy cooking. Today as I wandered the Ballard farmers market I thought of all the delicious meals I could make- fresh summer greens, tiny creamy potatoes, glorious summer fruits begging to be turned into a crisp and local free range meats/fish. However I hate cooking for one.

Being alone is something I struggle with. After volunteering on Saturday none of my plans for the weekend turned out. I found myself lying in bed watching Weeds. I was bored. I didn't know what to do with myself. All of this time at home. Sent a few texts, people were busy or didn't want to go out. Realizing this morning that I had the day to myself, it was sunny and beautiful, I needed to exert some inertia. I have company coming in less than a week. The apartment needs cleaning, there is laundry to be done. I started the laundry got dressed and decided to wander around Ballard alone for the afternoon. Bought myself some fresh sweet red raspberries (my absolute favorite), pizza at Veraci, then Stumptown coffee and a mini cupcake at Royale (conscious decisions). Went into a few shops. My phone rang but I didn't answer, this is me time. After hitting 24th I wasn't quite ready to go home, it was still sunny out so I kept going on Market. Weaved my way back home, quietly enjoying the sunny day. I need more days with this. Often the hour alone feels like eternity. Learning to make my days that I have off from the slew of social activities mine is always going to be a challenge. A night home, I forget what that means.

Single. No plus one. We spend some much time and effort looking for the one. I'm thinking about eharmony. It's going to be a process. Why not give online dating a chance again. I'm missing that someone in my life. As I watched couples plan meals picking out bunches of greens, smelling the ripe tomatoes, I yearned to do the same thing. I was relishing my walk alone, but I quietly envisioned my own farmers market story. We'd wake up, have morning sex (I'm not a morning person and I love it), read the NY Times over freshly brewed coffee then finally walk to the farmers market to buy our local ingredients for the week with our re-usable bags then wander home, maybe entertain friends in our 1920's craftsman later that night ending the weekend with a delicious homemade meal and good wine. My snow globe fairy tale with such intricate details. Fast forward a few years, add a baby. I'm ready to nest. My discontent lays deep within. I'm not going back to where I was a year go or even two. As Sherrie says when I put my mind to something I do it. Well its back to the gym/trying running (its nice out why not) and working on my nesting (home & men).

Another Encouter With Nature

My second weekend in a row of camping. July has been full of outdoor experiences. This one was unplanned, spur of the moment and certainly raw. Jamie decided to plan a camping trip out by Mt. Rainier, I had to re-arrange my schedule, cancel a few things to make it happen. Saturday was hot yet we were in the car on our way to unknown, not book camped site. My "type A" part of me was going nuts, M said relax and go with the flow. Post McDonalds was not agreeing with me. As we approached Mt. Rainier, my cell phone service faded, back to this again, however my stomach was a bit uneasy. However the unknown was ok. We found a fantastic free campsite that I would of not found online, note there are two Buck Creeks in Washington! I'm finding peace again with nature. Hot dog on a stick, a little dirt won't hurt us and sleeping on the ground again, not so bad. I had help again, slept a bit in a daze (apparently I was sawing logs!). Highlights include lying under the stars on the airplane hanger strip listening to Neko/talking with M, playing in the river- breaking more fears/boundaries by climbing over the logs and putting my feet totally submergered in the cold river and of course seeing the MT wedding pics :) Finished my weekend at Casa de Sherita. I seriously miss that girl and she even convinced me to stay for dinner. Really was exactly what I needed. This is what summer is all about- outdoor movies, spending time with friends, enjoying the outdoors, impromptu bbqs and most of all having fun. I am living life to the fullest and loving it. I was able to spend the weekend with three of my favorite people who I don't see enough. Oh and finally saw Heathers Friday with some lovely ladies. Can't complain one bit about a great weekend :)

Coffee Drinks and Straws

These past weekend in Darrington when I ordered my latte, they automatically gave it to me with a straw. I have never been given a star automatically with my HOT coffee drink in Seattle. As M always says, there are two rules about small coffee stands in small towns- do not order a mocha or syrup (note they always have every flavor under the sun). I am adding a third rule, they always try to give you a straw for you hot drink. It has to be a suburbs thing. As I drink my Frappacino, and I hear that straw sound that is so annoyingly in every episode of Weeds a bazillion times, I swear suburban woman drink their coffee with straws. Mary Louise Parker obviously has a ice coffee addiction, but its almost as if they make a point of her and the straw. My suburban co-workers drink their hot coffee with straws and back when I worked with Puyallup school district, the career counselors, always used straws. Why? No one in Seattle does this, so what is it that makes the suburban population do this? Since when do you drink something HOT with a star? Seriously. Ok back to work.

We've Not In Seattle Anymore Toto

As the drops of water entrenched my hair, the sweet smell of campfire was washed away. My invigorating shower after three full days of departure from my normal city routine represented my return to Seattle. Part of me wished I was still back in Darrington, however it was a wonderful weekend that as I showered, washing the creases in between my toes reminded me why I love the Northwest.

I was ready Thursday, to escape the city, a break from my normal routine. Yes, I desperately wanted to go camping. Thursday morning started with the "it's almost here" e-mail from N. Then the discussion of "rain" started, certain individuals didn't want to go, some of us were still ready to hit the road Thursday afternoon. About 50 e-mails later and 4pm, I was still at work in Seattle. More frustrated than I've been in a long time, ready to throw my work computer out the door, I wanted to be out in the woods away from technology and city life. Finally Michael convinced me to come up to Bellingham for the night, enjoy a glass of wine, relax and we'd leave for camping in the morning regardless. Finally around 1pm on Friday we were on the road. Cell phones without signal, no computers- just time to enjoy nature. We started to approach Darrington, we had contemplated McDonalds, but decided we wanted something local. Finally we hit Darrington city center, realizing what a small town it truly was, yes, we weren't in Seattle anymore. Settling on the local burger place, small town America was apparent, we had passed decaying barns and run down houses with cars parked on the lawn and now the people certainly were making an impression. Part of me was thinking where the hell am I, get me out now, but then part of me said, no, we are experiencing another part of life, yes different, but this is going to be an adventure.
Then we headed to the IGA (otherwise known as the IG-A later that weekend- note the gangster rape tone) to get food. While figuring out which sausage had the lowest fat content, we overheard someone say, "No Honey, We Always Have Mouse For Your Birthday," yes this was NOT Seattle. I soon became aware that I was too a piece of meat in the IGA, I had all my teeth, I'm relatively thin (believe me in comparison) and I had boobs that were not down to my stomach. Finally we were at the campsite with beer, smore makings and ready to get our camp on! Met up with others, meeting new people upon arrival, we all arrived at the same time. Shared a few beers after setting up camp. Decided it was time to hit the IGA again and have a beer at Skidders (yes, the bar was really named that). Others experienced the IGA in action, with more interesting sights to be seen. Then at Skidders there was the dog sitting at the bar, yes literally at the bar with his own water glass, children dining with their parents and the now infamous t-shirt. The bonding had begun. We continued drinking into the night, sharing stories over the campfire, although many of the pleasantries still existed. Started a game of Famous Canadians (name a famous Canadian). I crashed, a bit drunk and stoned. Next morning we woke up, I had actually slept well (I think I had some help), made breakfast, drank coffee, played some card games, then headed off for a hike to Frog Lake.

I was ready for the hike, yes, outside exercise. Had my new Chaco's on, ready to roll. Hike started off relatively easy, I thought, cool a steady relaxing hike. Then we realized the good part of the lake was below, there was a path, but no leading to where we could fish. The "boys" found a path via rock, I started to think, this might not turn out well, I'm not doing this. Luckily it was decided to find an alternate route. Well the alternate route meant walking down a somewhat steep grade off trail. Again, I was thinking, I don't think so harriet. Olivia was trying to find a different path, so I joined her, after battling the berry bushes and mossy squishy ground we realized no such luck. We had to try the other path. She went, then I decided to ride it down on my butt, it was the best way and I have plenty of cushion. Beer was down there in Michael's pack and I wanted my reward! Carefully teetering rock to rock I got to the shore. I had gone outside my comfort zone on my own. M and I had discussed the very same thing the night before, trying to move beyond our boundaries, taking risks on our own. Mission accomplished. I sat on the rocks, enjoyed my PBR and watched the men fish. Next was the "log raft," M and Brian were on it, asked who else wanted on. I thought what the hell, so what if I fall in. I got on, uh oh, its pretty wobbly. No, I can do this, I am trying something new- did kickball, its all about expanding my horizons and pushing myself. Brian was nice enough to hold my hand as I wobbled, trying to desperately find my balance, nope I'm not coordinated, but I really wanted to do this. Finally I got to an ok point, camera click and I was off the log. The boys then paddled the log across the lake. It was a big moment for several of us! Yes, we had a story and had another bonding experience. I climbed/crawled back up the ledge. I had done it. The adrenaline rushed through my system. This is what I needed and wanted. Hiked back to camp in the misty rain. Had a few beers and headed to our all to familiar and favorite IGA.

Our campfire consisted of drinking from our bladder (aka the box wine), naming famous Latin Americans, singing cheasy songs, nicknames emerged- O-Ring and L-Train were de-railed. Lots of laughter and overall good time. This is what camping is all about. Not caring if you have a hole in your pants on your butt, talking about "dropping the kids off" at the IGA and remembering that nature does exist. The weekend before was blissful at Lake Sammish, but this was different. The creek right next to our campsite, the scratches all over my leg from the berry bushes plowing our way through the woods and even the bug bites- this is is nature. I become wrapped up in my city life- happy hours, working out at the gym, e-mails, facebook, but honestly sometimes it becomes too much. It was nice to connect with others in a different setting. The pleasantries had faded. We were being real, sharing about ourselves, experiences, families and most of all enjoying the moment.

This morning we packed up, cleaned up camp all in anticipation of our final hurrah the the infamous Turkey House (and oh yeah, a real bathroom!). At the Turkey House, we read the paper, talked about life, had our final meal together amongst the old folk with of course delicious homemade pie. It wasn't Tom Douglas, but really an awesome meal, one that you appreciate after cooking over the fire for the past few days. Finally we parted ways. Driving back home into the city, I listened to my Garden State soundtrack, enjoying the time alone. Passed by the premium outlets. There's a part of me that loves all of those things, but a part of me was nourished this weekend that I often forget exists. The part that doesn't mind getting dirty, sleeping on the ground or running through the river. And that part wants to break more boundaries and find more adventures.

Sleep

I can't sleep. It's almost 4am, I will have to get up in about 2-1/2 hours. Must be on time or rather early to work. My bedroom is hot but the window won't open. I talked to M for about an hour earlier, that didn't help really my head won't shut up. It's partially that I'm too excited about changes at work, my new clothes, warm weather and being able to wear the clothes, working out tomorrow but then its also the worries thinking about the changes at work, mother, drama with friends and all the stuff in between. I thought about turning on a show w from Hulu, that always helps but i can't be reliant on tv for sleep. I don't have any melotonin. Nothing.... just my thoughts playing over and over in my head like a scratched record. My neighbor is oddly up too, actually I think she got home earlier cause the cats stirred.

This weekend was great, really one of those perfect summer party weekends. I'll write more about it later, pics on facebook speak for themselves. Now I'd really like to sleep. Oddly enough its the first night of the weekend I slept in my own bed, not that there was any action, just slept elsewhere and slept better even on a couch and the infamous hard futon with Maxi. Now all I want is sleep. I hate that sometimes I am out and I get sooo tired, I practically fall asleep wherever we are at and then there are Sunday nights.... and oh fuck, I just realized I had not one but two cups of Mary Stewart coffee. No wonder I am wide awake. That stuff is lethal. I've mostly given up caffiene, I can't sleep otherwise, it changed with the mono.

..... attempting sleep again. Monday has already come too quick.

Perspective

Purpose and Perspective. These two words seem ever so present right now in my life. Avenue Q touched upon purpose in an ever so hilarious but thoughtful way. The mid-twenties crisis seems to be all about finding purpose. Yes, even through raunchy puppet sex, singing along to everyone's a bit racist and the internet is for porn, I found a bit of perspective about my life. We all are trying to find the right job/career and partner, both oddly connected. Sometimes we settle, stay in a situation that is bad for us too long and miss out on something that is good for us. We aimlessly wander but through these experiences or rather mistakes, we learn about ourselves, growing up and really what we want out of life. I am the hardest on myself, others I forgive and encourage, while I criticize my decisions, settle for less than I should both career wise and in men. I still don't quite understand my purpose rather I hope that with each decision I will figure it out. My "plan" that I laid out for myself when I was younger doesn't seem right- marriage and children in my twenties. Travel doesn't seem to happen, but don't I have to take risks? In the end generally things will be ok. Maybe I should make it a goal to research international opportunities and go for it, next year? I can always come back to Seattle. I set such high goals for myself, standards that aren't realistic. Break down the goals. I somehow wonder how I actually lost the 90lbs, was it all a lie- how did the scale really go down. But really it's all about perspective. I still see myself as the fattest person in the room.
And I have the unstable parent, no one else does.

We read the Glass Castle this month. I remember over a year ago starting the book, reading about the woman on park avenue with the homeless parent. It was all too close to home, I knew I would like the book, but part of me wasn't ready to deal with reality therefore I never finished the book. I finally finished it. Jeanette accepts her parents with such grace and insight. Throughout reading I kept thinking about my mother. My picture perfect childhood- completely the opposite of hers- private school, nice restaurants, shopping and vacations. Money wasn't really a concern. However there were signs- the hiding of the credit card bills, the dirty house, my stay at home mom that I didn't really know what she did all day, the old beat up car while my friends parents drove pristine Volvos and Mercedes and wearing the dirty clothes with holes. These things embarrassed me amongst my upper middle class peers. Now, I oddly identify with Jeanette's struggle. I have a parent who asked me to pay for plane tickets because she didn't have the money, losing the drivers license, sleeping on the floor- signs of severe depression- when I bring these things up, the response is its not your worry or a quick change of conversation or I have to go. No my parents were not alcoholics nor was there ever abuse, practically the polar opposite. However as my father put it the other night, my mothers world shattered. How do I accept this new world and the fact that I cannot keep fixing it for her. Towards the end the Wall kids realize this, the same cycle repeats itself. The last time she asked me to take care of the plane tickets, I refused, my father was furious and ordered me not to fix the situation, that it would happen again and again, I was enabling. If I buy her a new bed, I am enabling. I pay for a house cleaner, again I enable. I was shocked at how much I identified with this book. They found their peace and balance. I need to find mine. I can't crumble inside when I see my mother, its not healthy. Yet, I could see a future that is pretty grim. Just like when I hear my mother talking about shopping at thrift stores and wearing my hand me downs, the woman who used to spend hundreds of dollars at Nordstrom. Perspective and Purpose. Finding both is going to be a challenge. I figured out being selfish. Now I need to learn the two P's.

It all started with a dress

I'm not supposed to start drinking again till Friday. Yet, I found myself ordering a vodka soda at the bar. Then it was a bottle of wine and another and lastly madeira with the final cheese course. I sent a text I probably shouldn't have, but I did telling S that I was tipsy, he knows I'm not supposed to drink. Is it weird I chose him to send the text to? I love dinner club. Tonight I spent about $75 too much on dinner, but the company was fabulous, 3 hours passed by easily without awkward silence. Different people, but they get food. We ordered several dishes, talked about the merits of each dish, what worked, what didn't. I've been wanting to try How To Cook A Wolf for awhile, I've done Union and Travatola, now I've done all three. I believe this so far is my favorite of his three restaurants. Last month, Crush was innovative, different, this was simple, but pleasing to the palate. Crispy moist polenta, seared scallops with a white bean puree and spaghetti with red pepper, parsley, anchovies and Parmesan. Several coures in between. I'm happy. Tomorrow is my trailer day, more good food, homemade smores and sturgeon. I'm ready! I have to start the food blog. I would right now, but I have to read for book club and I'm too tipsy. I want quality. I love my Seattle friends. I really do. You rock my world. Thank you, for being here for coffee dates, dinner club, gchat and late night conversations. You inspire me. You remind me what life is about, happiness. You have faith, inspiration, you care and you listen.

When Good Things Come To An End

This morning I left with a hug and quick kiss goodbye. It marked the end of what for the past two months has been the ultimate of the undefined. He said I'll talk to you later, you have my number. I joked that I didn't. But really will we talk again? No more walk or rather drives home of shame. Something changed recently in me, what I want out of a relationship, my expectation level. It's hard to define, but before I wanted it all, yet I always settled for 25% of what I deserved. Maybe now that I am more comfortable in my own skin, I can realize that relationships take many forms, sometimes they may be brief but are here to teach us something. And sometimes when we aren't trying so hard, a good thing can come along where we least expect it.

S and I didn't have the deep epic personal talks. Yes, we talked about our lives, but it was surface level. Yet, we shared a connection, a certain level of intimacy. Last night he asked are you going home or spending night, I simply replied, I don't know. Then a few moments later he leaned over and kissed me.... and thus I knew I was spending the night. Unspoken, with a few comical moments, we shared a connection. It's the little things I appreciate about S, he automatically put my feet in between his legs because he knew they got cold in the middle of the night. We got each others sense of humor. I knew in my heart there was no possibility of long term potential from the beginning, maybe this allowed me to just have fun. Isn't that after all what dating is all about? I wonder if we get wrapped up too much in societal expectations and we lose sight of the dating process. You go on a couple of dates, start sleeping together and then BOOM we are expected to fall into this serious relationship, whatever happened to just seeing how it goes. In someways I liked the lack of expectations. And now, I know I can move on, no hurt feelings, wondering what went wrong, knowing that it was good, but now I have to see where the next adventure brings me. Summer is (almost) here and that leaves plenty of room for hot summer romances or flings. I'm getting out there, I have no doubt things will fall into place.

Regardless, I liked my Saturday "dates," they were hot and yes, the sex was good.

Goals

Reading Jessica's blog about working out and cooking inspired me again. When I kick mono's ass it is time for a new set of goals, a revised set of goals. I am not going to focus so much on that number anymore rather shifting my focus again on a healthier way of living. I am going to start working out again, I got bored, I needed something to start me up, I think I am *gasp* going to start running and eventually I want to try spinning and other various sorts of activities. I miss feeling strong and healthy, I feel weak and lethargic (especially now), I hate that feeling. Tuesday class will not be optional anymore. Thus the following need to happen:

1) I am going to purchase new workout clothes- ones that fit and are comfortable. I'm tired of the one pair of yoga pants that fall down.
2) A "healthy" water bottle, not my token smart water nor the nalgene full of the cancer causing chemicals. Sorry Naglene, your time has come to rest.
3) New gym mix for my ipod, some current songs that make me feel good, not thinking oh god not that song again.
4) A gym partner, I need one. Let's make it a priority together. Noelle? Our lives got busy, but really we did it before, just schedule the time and make it happen.
5) Pick out some recipes and make them, keep the healthy eating going, no more fast food or getting lazy when I go out.

Last summer I lost the weight, this summer I am going to strengthen, tone and find the inner strength I deserve. Oh and one more thing, Seattle, co-operate here with me, I need some sun. I want to go out for walks or jogs around Greenlake or go for some hikes. Please it is June 3, no more rain, cloudy weather, just a bit of sun please.

Things I've Learned

The past three days have woken me up a bit, well not really I've been half out of it really, but it's given me a bit of time to notice stuff I normally wouldn't have:

-My garbage day is Monday, normally I leave before they are here so I don't know, this morning I woke up to the sound of the truck, nothing huge really, but kinda nice to now know this small detail.

-I will never take a long shower for granted again. After feeling dizzy from 15 minutes of standing, I realized I will cherish my normal shower again.

-Family and friends are really here for me, I'm not alone isolated on an island.

-Motel 6 is now home. When you leave the smell is still there, but after being here for almost 48 hours straight I didn't notice it.

-Our world can change in hours, the way our body functions is not permanent rather simple processes can become cumbersome.

-And yes getting sick can help you lose those extra 5lbs from not working out rather quickly.

Carbon Offset

The Kissing Disease

It's official, I have mono. I'm beat from the week, which really all I've done is go to work. My sore throat is doing "better" today in comparison to last night when I was crying from it hurting. I got a steroid prescription that is supposed to help with my swollen lymph nodes. I made the call that I felt awkward making, about having mono, he took it well, didn't seem to be too worried.

Work seems to be willing to be flexible. Everyone knows that you get extremely tired with mono, so for the next few weeks I can control my own schedule. Something else is brewing too, not quite sure what is going on....

For now, its me, my chair, the tv and lots of rest. Maybe a few slurpees and popsicles in between. I have to eat with the meds, but I have no appetite and it hurts to eat.

Swollen

Last Wednesday I woke up with a sore throat, I nourished it with a milkshake. The sore throat remains now with swollen lymph nodes. The doctor's office just called, strep came back negative. The fabulous Ferragamo wearing doctor suggested mono or another viral infection, but yes they are certainly swollen. Maybe my sluggish tiredness is explained by mono, aka the kissing disease. Part of me worries theres something else going on. Really I just want to be better. No more sore throat. The slurpee otherwise known as my lunch today was sublime. Others are the office are "sick" this week too. Now I'm home, realizing how tired I've been and I want to relax with my dvd of Weeds, order some spicy thai soup take out. I've been searching Yelp for places that deliver, I do live in the city, why not. Chores still remain including the pilling laundry that I've been avoiding like the plague.

Tuesdays

My Tuesdays have changed. I have new ritual. At 11:30am on the dot I quickly leave my desk to escape to another world. My co-workers tease me, its trailer day. I eat from a trailer. But this trailer is different than the taco buses around the city. It's a community of food lovers. Each week I wait in anticipation for my e-mailed menu for the upcoming week. I know Tuesday will bring respite from the fast food entrenched area that I work. Skillet reminds me what food is all about. It isn't always the fancy white linens, the sleek interior and the avant garde menu. Rather the hand written menu on the side of the Airstream trailer is how I want to eat. Many of us are regulars as we wait for our culinary delight, some each week still to the tried and true burger, but many of us go out on a limb try the special of the week. This week it was tomato basil soup with fresh mozarella and a side salad. The soup rocked my world. Perfectly creamy, crispy fresh strips of basil and crunchy olive oil entrenched croutons. The salad (part of the combo) featured goat cheese and fresh greens with a few pieces of fresh asparagus. I treated myself to the rich and moist carrot carrot cake with a dollop of fresh cream cheese frosting. Cream cheese frosting at most places is characterized as overly sweet and super rich, but this had the density but a bit of the sour flavor of cream cheese. Today as I savoured my meal, I remembered I have a food blog to start. There are many signs right now pointing in this direction. Something greater out there is telling me to start something, change is coming, I can feel it. Dinner club. Food blogging. A possible career is looming over me. My passions are going to turn in to the career. My love of the written word through my simplest pleasure, good food.

Perfect 10

This was a mastercard moment weekend, priceless. I'm satiated. So many incredible things happened that all in all made this one of those weekends. Friday I have to admit was the catalyst, the hope of warm weather, I woke up happy ready for my day, I put on my khaki skirt and a tank top that according to my co-workers would of gotten me kicked out of school, regardless of my goose bumps and bare skin, I was ready for the glimpse of summer. The peak of the day was actually at 5ish, when I headed to Belltown to meet Susanna for happy hour at Cascadia for the infamous mini burgers and alpine martinini. The sun was shinning and I didn't so much mind waiting an hour out in the sun, it was exactly what i've been craving the past few weeks, the Vitaman D soaking into my skin, instant ani depressant. Later on that evening brought Molly Moon's balsamic strawberry, the quinessential summer treat.

Saturday marked the arrival of summer officially in Seattle. I put on my white short skirt, tank top, which smelled like beach from Florida in March, grabbed my sunglasses and was ready for my favorite annual cheese festival. My day started with a trip to Fiore for a latte, I was surprised to see my old barista from the QA Fiore. I put down my window (still gotta get that fixed!) turned up the radio and drove into my all too familiar QA. The trees had a greeness to them that illuminated summer, the over priced strollers were out, part of me missed my old hood for a moment. Met the girls for a fabulous morning/afternoon of cheese tasting. Drank some lovely white wines, got a bit buzzed, shopped, reminded myself why I hate my boobs sometimes and then headed back to Noelle's to meet up with others for beer brewing. Beer brewing was fantastic, I even tasted hops which kinda looked like rabbit food! I may have been a bit buzzed to completely understand the whole process, however knowing the hard work that goes into my favorite refreshment makes it that much better. Plus we were able to escape a bit of the afternoon heat. Then drank some sangria at Madame K's out on the deck with more drink afterwards at Kings. One of those nights that we lost track of time, all of the sudden the evening came to an end. A secret was officially let out of the bag, that provided a bit of solace in my world. Sunday I put my feet in the warm sand at Alki, took in the fresh air and the final moments of sun. Ending the weekend with a supurb dinner at Crush as a part of Urban Eats with truly delightful company. Drank more wine, talked a bit about food, took fantastic pictures with Susanna's amazing camera and most of all remembered what life was all about. An individual recently asked me to rate somethingon a scale of 1-10, this weekend, I give it a 10.

Family Dynamics

I put myself out there today. I knew my mom wanted to see the Louvre exhibit at the SAM, today was the last day and mothers day, so I invited her and my grandmother up to Seattle. My morning was off to an already slow start, with barely enough time to brush my teeth and grab some oh so required coffee. Spending time with my mom today saddened me a bit. It's not so much her nor her lack of life, rather it was the way she treats my grandmother. My grandmother is out of it, she seems to lack noticing whats going on, her world isn't reality. My mom talks to my grandmother like she's a pre-schooler, no you can't eat that, telling her where to go and what to do at every moment. She follows her around like a puppy dog. While at the exhibit, she was explaining what the artifacts were as if she was 5, "Mother, thats a bowl and a cup from the Roman empire." Really? Can she not read herself or tell that it 's a cup? I feel like her interactions diminishes my grandmothers actual capabilities. Did she treat me like this when I was a child? Was that why I was so independent yet dependent? I spent most of the time wandering the museum alone, reading about life in the Roman era, but also watching the vast number of families, especially mothers and daughters. Part of me really wishes things were different. Actually most of me. I feel guilty for admitting that, but it's the truth.

After the attempted lunch to have a real talk, I've given up a bit of hope for her and change. I've tried to reach out a couple of times, but my desire to have family around me diminishes. I was e-mailing a vendor asking her what she was doing for mothers day, she said that this time is bittersweet as her parents are dead (she does have a daughter). Joy reminded me to be thankful that they are around. Honestly, I lost my mother 4 or so years ago, the person I would call to talk to, even when things were bad. The sense of comfort, that your parent can make everything ok, is no longer there. Part of me wonders what is actually going in my mothers head. How does she perceive the world? Is it a false reality? The roof that was almost destroyed in the storm over a year ago, the pee soaked carpet, lights that don't work, dust from several years of accumulation, baggy old clothes, a garden with plants slowly dying and piles and piles of unopened bills, letters and financial statements. Do these exist in her reality? I don't think these things would bother me so much if it wasn't for the one thing I most desperately want. A hug, an i love you. Neither have happened in years. The last time I got a real hug I don't remember. When I am a parent, I will tell my children I love them every day. I remember the mom who would take care of me when i was sick, when I was an adolescent comfort me in my angst, remind me everything was ok when I had my breakdowns. Now she's unaware of my world. Part of me wants to scream to her, mother this happened last night and yes, there are big things going on and I want to tell you about them. But such topics are taboo in our relationship. Conversation consists of idle chit chat. I try to share small parts of my life, but they are brushed off, no response. Everything revolves around one thing, the dog, Henri. She pointed out the parking lot that we took him to when he was a puppy after the cheese festival to go to the bathroom... really? I'm glad you remember that, but when it comes time to come to my friend's wedding that I am the Maid of Honor in, you can't seem to make the 4 blocks. I realized that I get more comfort from the friends in my life. Even when I said, how I called Jamie because I really wanted to talk to someone about something, she didn't ask what that was, nothing. My friends are truly my family. I've made them my family. The other 50% of my family lives farther away, and oddly enough was the one I didn't have as strong of a relationship with as a child, now he's the rock. I cherish my Florida trips, the fact that my Dad says don't worry about filling up the car with gas or says to me every time I call, I love you. That means something. He's the parent I can count on, the one I know will be there for me in a second.

I don't mean for this to be a negative post, but rather some feelings I had to get out there. Is my relationship with my mother a test? I'm scared for the future, I worry about her, yet very few others share my concern. For now, I tell myself to focus on the positive. I had a mother to spend Mothers Day with, I know deep down in her heart she still cares.

Modern Love: The College Essay Contest - New York Times

Modern Love: The College Essay Contest - New York Times

Dating in your 20's, this article resides all too well in my recent dating adventures. What is the difference between seeing someone, hooking up and dating? Terms I've found myself using to describe my dating enocounters, the need to define the interaction. Our generation seems to lack the commitment gene, both men and women. Its a new game out there. The more liberal and educated we are, the less likely we are to be in a serious relationship. We are supposed to be young and having fun. It's almost an elitist attitude, we look down on our cohorts who have "settled down" had families at a younger age, they haven't "lived life." We are supposed to travel, have the hot fling with the foreign man or woman. Maybe even experiment with our sexuality. I define myself as a heterosexual female, yet often I've said to friends, I'm not against trying anything once, doesn't mean I want to swing that way. Are we too open and free for own good? We are defining our own rules. How many dates before you kiss, have sex or define yourself as a couple? Oddly enough once my father said to me, god the rules have really changed, being a single guy must be great now.

I remember several years ago when I was still in college, I had lunch with my former 5th grade teacher, she and I had become friends. Somehow another NY Times article about my generation came up in conversation, she said to me I hope you aren't hooking up with men. At the time I was too embaressed to admit that I had in fact "hooked up" on several occasions, I smilled politely and said of course not! My secret sexual behavior went into the vault along with my secret smoking habit. I used the excuse, its college, it doesn't matter, I'm supposed to be young and have fun. Yet, like the young college woman in the article, I think I too want commimtment. My brain monograms the towels all too quickly sometimes. Do I admit this to my peers? Not always. Those who are in relationships look fondly at my singleness, they admit how they'd love to be in a relationship. But do they really? They know who they'll go with to the work dinner, they don't have to coerce a friend to go or bring their gay husband that they co-workers know but they've never met the men I actually date. They have someone to tell about their day when they come home. Someone to massage their feet when they hurt. Or just knowing that person is there sometimes helps. The simple acts.

I know my generation will find the balence. But for now, its a turbulent ride. Most of us have experienced it. And we'll continue to make our own rules because lets face it, we're rebels when it comes to protocall. Oh and I know, that through my dating efforts or whatever I have defined my interactions as, when the time comes to monogram the towels, I'll know its right (fingers crossed).

What Motivates the Wine Shopper? — Eric Asimov - New York Times

What Motivates the Wine Shopper? — Eric Asimov - New York Times

Can You Become a Creature of New Habits? - New York Times

WOW!!! Awesome article, read this.

Can You Become a Creature of New Habits? - New York Times

"Whenever we initiate change, even a positive one, we activate fear in our emotional brain,” Ms. Ryan notes in her book. “If the fear is big enough, the fight-or-flight response will go off and we’ll run from what we’re trying to do. The small steps in kaizen don’t set off fight or flight, but rather keep us in the thinking brain, where we have access to our creativity and playfulness.”

A Date With Myself

Today was one of those days, it had its lows and its highs. Something about it started off different, almost a reset ignited by me losing my power in the middle of the night, waking up to the flashing light on the stove when I fed the cats. Work was busy, yet my mind was scattered, having a hard time accomplishing the multiple tasks being demanded of me. Rather I found myself several times looking aimlessly at my computer. The day perked up with an incredible lunch from Skillet, M getting his scholarship that I helped him with and a unexpected text. However, there were some lows, M's childhood dog dying and the gloomy day that seemed to take a toll on everyone. I left work exhausted not really feeling all that great. After doing some essential errands, I found myself wandering the aisle of Safeway wondering what I wanted for dinner. I didn't want to exert the effort to get takeout and somehow nothing yelled "pick me pick me" rather the myriad of choices complicated my simple decision. Slowly my basket started to fill with some comfort foods- Cherry Coke zero, mint Brussels and then it dawned on me, quesadillas, I have whole wheat flour tortillas and beans, all I need is some cheese. At the check out I grabbed my token I need something a bit fluffy Glamour magazine. Still departing Safeway, I felt like something wasn't right. Was it an impending panic attack?

I got home, changed the cat litter and then started to take care of some sub sequential chores- take out the garbage, the huge pile of recycling, wash dishes and tidy up a bit. Dish by dish, I started to feel a bit better, less melancholy and lethargic. Then I pulled out my panini press, yes, thats perfect for the quesadillas. Easy dinner, not a lot of clean up and a total childhood comfort food. Yes, this is what I needed. A date with myself and my apartment. I'm feeling more energized, a bit less sad, although the fall of the high of the past few weeks has certainly not passed. But a reminder to take time for myself. I think I'll bring out Pradabelle who is probably covered with dust by now, she's been regretfully ignored the past month. Sometimes the best dates are when you least expect it, tonight was one of them.

Nothing?

Sadly, I have nothing. My weekend was full of various events- HopScotch Friday, saw Made of Honor Saturday, ate yummy vietnamese, watched the rest of Season 1 of Weeds, went to church, walked around Greenlake and had a fabulous Sunday night with happy hour at the Sitting Room and the Diary of Anne Frank at the Intiman.

Oddly enough each week my calendar fills up, even though the week before I thought oh its looking a bit blank and then poof all of the sudden my weekends and even week nights are filled!

I promise to write more later, but for now off to Kickball and some Cinco de Mayo celebrating!

Inspired Topics and Conversations

When was the last time you had an honest and open conversation about well.... sex with someone other than your partner? In college, I had a wonderful group I belonged to that each week we got together often with food to talk about various feminist issues, often including sex and well, our raging hormones. This group was my own mini version of Sex and the City, we did like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte openly discuss vibrators, masturbation (yes, all girls do masturbate) and other adventures in the bedroom.

Everyone has been talking about THE movie, anticipation is running high, girlfriends and gay men will be filling the theatres on May 30. However, sometimes we forget about the honest conversations that were inspired as part of the show. We don't often bring up these frank topics with close friends. Sometimes they come up as a part of a conversation, however often we don't have these conversations on purpose. I think we should. It's healthy and normal to share personal topics with friends, research has shown it actually improves our relationships and brings us closer. Why keep issues to yourself when you might actually find that a friend has gone through the same thing?

A few weekends ago, a friend commented on some of my books on my book shelf. My bookshelf used to be in my bedroom so some of my more risque books were hidden such as the sex toys book from Babeland, collection of erotica, cunt (fantastic read, a true classic) feminist critiques and a few others. In all honestly, I haven't read most of them, I just bought them because I thought they sounded interesting. Now they are proudly displayed in my living room. When I unpacked I distinctly remember pulling out the babeland book from the box and contemplating not putting on the shelf, then I thought, why not, I am a liberated sexual woman, why can't I have this openly on my shelf, why does it matter. Two of my favorite feminist magazines- Bitch and Bust, always receive some glances on the plane. Once I discussed with an older gentleman the title of "Bust." I explained what it meant, how it was a positive title!

So ladies, have these conversation, make it a point. A friend suggested a monthly girls brunch- get together, talk about feminist issues, I love the idea! I miss my frank women's studies classes and discussions. We don't need Manola Blahniks, Hermes and Manhatten. Ok, maybe some cosmos might be in order. Just some honest to good, open and purposeful conversation.

Bliss

I had one of those weekends, one that I wouldn't change a thing. Friday night brought a bonfire at Golden Gardens. LED Bocci Balls, Smores, Sand, Nalgenes filled with mixed drinks & beer and yes layers of jackets as its not quite summer yet. The sunset was hidden by the clouds, but thats ok, we were too busy to notice. It was one of those nights, that you didn't realize that 5 hours had passed, it seemed like magically it went from dusk to darkness. Symbolically I burned a part of my past. As a part of the bonfire ritual, I burned my fat skirt. My skirt I wore at my heaviest, my depressed era, it was my comfort piece of clothing (other than the horrids which I threw away when I moved). The skirt represented a job that I was perpetually unhappy, a meager existence of work, sleep and eat. That time now no longer exists, it went up in flames with the skirt. Rather my life is filled with late night YouTube/OC sessions, winning kickball games, book clubs, volunteering in the community, happy hours, dinners with friends and most of all a positive outlook. I learned to become selfish. My time is my time. Yes, I still care very deeply about those who are important in my life, however, I am now my number one priority. Because of this, I have better, stronger friendships, I am happier, I am more productive at work and my health is 10x better.

As a friend recently wrote, yesterday was a good day. I went home to Tacoma. Driving into the city of destiny on 705, the huge Harmon Lofts sign stands out, the all too familiar huge rock candy glass sculptures by the museum of glass and the myriad of older homes on 30th. Like Neko Case, a part of me will always love Tacoma. Seattle is bigger and better in many ways, but there is an indescribable comfort, sense of self that lies in my former hometown. After having lunch with my mom and spending a bit of time with the family, I headed back to Seattle for a charity bowling event. Yes, the lanes were a bit dented and it's no Sunset Bowl, it was still good to get back to a familiar weekend activity. Afterwards we had dinner at the always tasty and way too crowded popular Aqua Verde. Karianne and I discussed kayaking this summer, something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. Afterwards we met up with others for drinks at my place with many many YouTube viewings including an subsequent obsession with "What What In the Butt." Shuffleboard at the The Viking my new favorite neighborhood bar. No, there's no Steve Martin Look Alike, crazy old ladies or bartender missing a hand, but the Viking is still one of those neighborhood gem bars where you can go have a drink and hang out with friends while playing a little Journey, Sister Christian or Sublime on the Jukebox. Post bar eating of confetti cake and more laughs ensued late into the night. Going to bed at 5am two nights in a row is going to pay a toll on me I'm sure. But as mastercard would say, this weekend, priceless.

Another Year

Yesterday was a good birthday. Sometimes you wonder what will the day bring, will you be disappointed? I almost forgot it was my birthday when I woke up, I started to do my normal battle with the alarm clock, then my phone vibrated with a text from Syd, oh yeah, that's right, it's my birthday! I received many many birthday wishes in all forms, phone calls, texts, myspace comments, facebook, e-mails and a few in person. Some friends from the past even said Happy Birthday, ones I was not expecting something from. My desk is still covered with elephant confetti from Sherrie. With that, my palm tree pen, bowling trophy and other random assortment of stuff, it's a bit cheery, I like it. It feels a bit more like home.

Honestly my highlight of the day with swinging on the swings and kickball. While waiting for the other team to finish up I decided to go swing on the swings. It's actually one of my favorite things to do. It's such a simple activity, one that I did many times as a child. Gliding up into the air, there's really nothing like it. So many times in college Jessica and I would walk to the park near the Butter House on a sunny afternoon to "swing." Yes, we did always giggle about swinging together. Karianne joined me after a bit, she understand my appreciation for the swings. I thought this is one of the many reasons she's my friend. Here I am playing kickball with great people. Two years ago on the worst birthday ever, I was at camp. So much has changed since two years ago. My life has finally moved forward. I'm playing a team sport and I even score a point, completing a full run around the bases. The exhilaration, the happiness I felt at that moment is a bit indescribable. Yes, last Saturday was the official birthday party, many of the important people in my life (at least in the Seattle area) came out to celebrate a new home and another year, but sometimes the simplest celebratory acts mean the most. This weekend I'll spend time with my mom, we are even going to lunch alone and she's baking my favorite lemon meringue pie. I'm kinda looking forward to it. My dad sang happy birthday to me on the phone.

I spend so much time worrying about other people and making it more about others. It was MY day- I joke at work calling it the MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR! This has been my year and I will continue to make each and every year my year. Putting myself first sometimes. Investing in me time. Today, I took a lunch, brought my book and lunch into the conferance room and read for an hour.

I know often I complain that there isn't that special someone in my life. Yesterday reminded me that I have many many special someones in my life, all over the country. Each of you means something to me. So many times I used to say to M how alone I felt, but I don't feel that anymore. I'm not alone, I have a huge network of wonderful, friends, co-workers (past and present) and family. And at the end of each day, I have a 17 pound chubby & tubby and little missy to come home to who no matter what greet me at the door. And yes, they do have a personality.