Monday, December 22, 2008


Learn To Be Quiet

Franz Kafka

You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait,
just learn to be quiet, still and solitary.
And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked.
It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

I read this tonight and it really had an impact. With the snow and the holidays, there's too much quiet around me, but I don't know how to handle the quiet- I find fillers, I get antsy, depression creeps its ugly face into my life. I struggle most with the silence in my life. The moments home alone, time that I'm not talking to friends, I think last night I literally interacted with over 20 people in the course of 2 hours, I couldn't stand to "be alone." Rather then dwell on these words, I am going to read them, think about them and reflect.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Ticket for One

I'm single. I'm not lonely, I hate men and the world single. Rather I have a fabulous group of friends both couples and other single ladies, my life is rich with those who care about me as a person, support me through challenges and challenge me and celebrate good fortune. I really cannot complain. However, two events this past week felt like single was red level alert.

The work holiday party is next Sunday. I'm bringing M, he's kind enough to endure a few hours with my co-workers, the ones he hears "stories" about on a regular basis. Yes, he's my crutch to get through, especially in a room filled with co-workers with their spouses. This week my boss asked me to confirm who is coming etc so he can get the final head count, I said, I assume find out who is bringing a guest. To which he responds, well its really intended for people to bring spouses or a significant other. Part of me was shocked and part infuriated. He explained tha itt is not a "boozer" to bring just anyone, rather an intimate gathering to share with those who are special to us. After listening to him, I said well I had planned on bringing Michael, is that ok? Yes because he's "special" to you. After a few e-mails with the other singles in the office who responded to my awkward e-mail, the singleites were a bit infuriated. First of all it's discriminatory, last time I checked you can't discriminate against marital status in the workplace. Second, I can damn well bring whoever I want to the party. If I wanted to bring a friend, then I should be able to, its my choice. M said the party situation reminded him of the SATC episode in which Carrie's shoes are stolen at a party, it was her "choice" to buy $500 shoes, yet the numerous gifts she had bought for said friend, those were life events she was supporting. My "choice" to be single at work now seperates me from my other co-workers. N said that in previous years she has brought friends, her brother to work events, wanting to share the occasion with them, that she is always invited to bring a guest.

Last night Jaxon hosted people for the holiday dinner, over 50 people were attending. I walk in the door, you either take a single ticket or a couple ticket. Great, I'm being "singled out" for being single again. I went straight for the wine and said hello to those who were already there. Finally it was time for dinner. I have to say, I was impressed how he handle this, people were mixed up, a few couples per table, mixed with singles. A couple of single girls had made themselves a couple so they could sit together. I ended up at a table with a few friends and a few new people. Sadly I didn't end up talking tot he two cute guys I spotted, one was at my table rather I did mostly converse with those I knew. One of the things I'm grateful for is that many of our couple friends are not clingy rather they operate seperately at events, you'll find them sitting apart, conversing with others and enjoying the good company of friends.

Am I single by choice? I don't actually know. My immediate reaction is to say no. But honestly, its yes. I could pick up just "any" guy but rather I won't settle for less for true dating. I've slept/dated with not the best people in the past, but I would never refer to them as a boyfriend. Rather I partially like a pretty independent life. Yes, there are few I heavily depend on and without them I might be more likely to seek out a boyfriend. The holidays seem to heighten the feeling of being alone. But I don't feel alone. I have friends, wonderful people. Sometimes in the morning, I snuggle in bed under the covers with the kitties wishing there was a warm manly body next to me. My fresh shaven leggs, with that silky feeling would be more appreciated by a boy. Last night I had to dust off the cobwebs on my razors so I could wear a dress sans leggings or fishnets which I've been wearing recently for warmth of course. I have to remind myself, I'm only 26, I have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right and according to the psychic, when I do, it will be incredible. But for now, I have to remind myself, I am single by choice and its not a bad thing.