Monday, April 28, 2008

Inspired Topics and Conversations

When was the last time you had an honest and open conversation about well.... sex with someone other than your partner? In college, I had a wonderful group I belonged to that each week we got together often with food to talk about various feminist issues, often including sex and well, our raging hormones. This group was my own mini version of Sex and the City, we did like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte openly discuss vibrators, masturbation (yes, all girls do masturbate) and other adventures in the bedroom.

Everyone has been talking about THE movie, anticipation is running high, girlfriends and gay men will be filling the theatres on May 30. However, sometimes we forget about the honest conversations that were inspired as part of the show. We don't often bring up these frank topics with close friends. Sometimes they come up as a part of a conversation, however often we don't have these conversations on purpose. I think we should. It's healthy and normal to share personal topics with friends, research has shown it actually improves our relationships and brings us closer. Why keep issues to yourself when you might actually find that a friend has gone through the same thing?

A few weekends ago, a friend commented on some of my books on my book shelf. My bookshelf used to be in my bedroom so some of my more risque books were hidden such as the sex toys book from Babeland, collection of erotica, cunt (fantastic read, a true classic) feminist critiques and a few others. In all honestly, I haven't read most of them, I just bought them because I thought they sounded interesting. Now they are proudly displayed in my living room. When I unpacked I distinctly remember pulling out the babeland book from the box and contemplating not putting on the shelf, then I thought, why not, I am a liberated sexual woman, why can't I have this openly on my shelf, why does it matter. Two of my favorite feminist magazines- Bitch and Bust, always receive some glances on the plane. Once I discussed with an older gentleman the title of "Bust." I explained what it meant, how it was a positive title!

So ladies, have these conversation, make it a point. A friend suggested a monthly girls brunch- get together, talk about feminist issues, I love the idea! I miss my frank women's studies classes and discussions. We don't need Manola Blahniks, Hermes and Manhatten. Ok, maybe some cosmos might be in order. Just some honest to good, open and purposeful conversation.

Sunday, April 27, 2008


I had one of those weekends, one that I wouldn't change a thing. Friday night brought a bonfire at Golden Gardens. LED Bocci Balls, Smores, Sand, Nalgenes filled with mixed drinks & beer and yes layers of jackets as its not quite summer yet. The sunset was hidden by the clouds, but thats ok, we were too busy to notice. It was one of those nights, that you didn't realize that 5 hours had passed, it seemed like magically it went from dusk to darkness. Symbolically I burned a part of my past. As a part of the bonfire ritual, I burned my fat skirt. My skirt I wore at my heaviest, my depressed era, it was my comfort piece of clothing (other than the horrids which I threw away when I moved). The skirt represented a job that I was perpetually unhappy, a meager existence of work, sleep and eat. That time now no longer exists, it went up in flames with the skirt. Rather my life is filled with late night YouTube/OC sessions, winning kickball games, book clubs, volunteering in the community, happy hours, dinners with friends and most of all a positive outlook. I learned to become selfish. My time is my time. Yes, I still care very deeply about those who are important in my life, however, I am now my number one priority. Because of this, I have better, stronger friendships, I am happier, I am more productive at work and my health is 10x better.

As a friend recently wrote, yesterday was a good day. I went home to Tacoma. Driving into the city of destiny on 705, the huge Harmon Lofts sign stands out, the all too familiar huge rock candy glass sculptures by the museum of glass and the myriad of older homes on 30th. Like Neko Case, a part of me will always love Tacoma. Seattle is bigger and better in many ways, but there is an indescribable comfort, sense of self that lies in my former hometown. After having lunch with my mom and spending a bit of time with the family, I headed back to Seattle for a charity bowling event. Yes, the lanes were a bit dented and it's no Sunset Bowl, it was still good to get back to a familiar weekend activity. Afterwards we had dinner at the always tasty and way too crowded popular Aqua Verde. Karianne and I discussed kayaking this summer, something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. Afterwards we met up with others for drinks at my place with many many YouTube viewings including an subsequent obsession with "What What In the Butt." Shuffleboard at the The Viking my new favorite neighborhood bar. No, there's no Steve Martin Look Alike, crazy old ladies or bartender missing a hand, but the Viking is still one of those neighborhood gem bars where you can go have a drink and hang out with friends while playing a little Journey, Sister Christian or Sublime on the Jukebox. Post bar eating of confetti cake and more laughs ensued late into the night. Going to bed at 5am two nights in a row is going to pay a toll on me I'm sure. But as mastercard would say, this weekend, priceless.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Another Year

Yesterday was a good birthday. Sometimes you wonder what will the day bring, will you be disappointed? I almost forgot it was my birthday when I woke up, I started to do my normal battle with the alarm clock, then my phone vibrated with a text from Syd, oh yeah, that's right, it's my birthday! I received many many birthday wishes in all forms, phone calls, texts, myspace comments, facebook, e-mails and a few in person. Some friends from the past even said Happy Birthday, ones I was not expecting something from. My desk is still covered with elephant confetti from Sherrie. With that, my palm tree pen, bowling trophy and other random assortment of stuff, it's a bit cheery, I like it. It feels a bit more like home.

Honestly my highlight of the day with swinging on the swings and kickball. While waiting for the other team to finish up I decided to go swing on the swings. It's actually one of my favorite things to do. It's such a simple activity, one that I did many times as a child. Gliding up into the air, there's really nothing like it. So many times in college Jessica and I would walk to the park near the Butter House on a sunny afternoon to "swing." Yes, we did always giggle about swinging together. Karianne joined me after a bit, she understand my appreciation for the swings. I thought this is one of the many reasons she's my friend. Here I am playing kickball with great people. Two years ago on the worst birthday ever, I was at camp. So much has changed since two years ago. My life has finally moved forward. I'm playing a team sport and I even score a point, completing a full run around the bases. The exhilaration, the happiness I felt at that moment is a bit indescribable. Yes, last Saturday was the official birthday party, many of the important people in my life (at least in the Seattle area) came out to celebrate a new home and another year, but sometimes the simplest celebratory acts mean the most. This weekend I'll spend time with my mom, we are even going to lunch alone and she's baking my favorite lemon meringue pie. I'm kinda looking forward to it. My dad sang happy birthday to me on the phone.

I spend so much time worrying about other people and making it more about others. It was MY day- I joke at work calling it the MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR! This has been my year and I will continue to make each and every year my year. Putting myself first sometimes. Investing in me time. Today, I took a lunch, brought my book and lunch into the conferance room and read for an hour.

I know often I complain that there isn't that special someone in my life. Yesterday reminded me that I have many many special someones in my life, all over the country. Each of you means something to me. So many times I used to say to M how alone I felt, but I don't feel that anymore. I'm not alone, I have a huge network of wonderful, friends, co-workers (past and present) and family. And at the end of each day, I have a 17 pound chubby & tubby and little missy to come home to who no matter what greet me at the door. And yes, they do have a personality.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Thoughts Part 2

Sex and the single woman? A friend recently brought this up in her blog about meeting a man in a bar a few weeks ago. Yes, he's republican, but what seems to be a good person. I had shared with her prior to meeting said man, my affinity for the republicans, mine however fall into the republican asshole category. Asshole and republican don't seem to be correlated, however in my case seem to be a recipe for sparks but also failed relationships. Which led to another discussion on Saturday night, why am I attracted to the assholes? Is it because they are confident? And that brings up the idea of sleeping with someone.... when is the right time..... Several of us single girls seem to struggle with this.... our sexual desires often lead us to jump into bed too quickly, thus said asshole no longer has to work to get what he wants, dessert is laid out right in front of him. I know I fall into this trap all to frequently. As a liberated feminist woman, I should be able to "have sex like a man" but do I need to have sex like a man, or can I just have sex with out the gendered stereotypes, a girl who gives in too quickly is considered slutty, yet a guy, is well just being a guy. And then there's the all too familiar number, what does it mean, does it matter in the end, its kinda like your SAT score, when you are younger it's fresh and people care, as we get older, we forget and care less and less about that number. Part of me wants to go out on real dates, have witty conversation, flirt and then maybe at the end of the night kiss. Have a few more of those dates. Let the attraction build, so much that when that moment for sex arrives, we can hardly wait. Is this realistic?

Here lies the ultimate questions..... where do we meet these witty, intelligent, charming, caring and funny men? I certainly don't see them at the bars or rather the good ones seem to be taken. I don't do church. Speed dating seems well a little to desperate. Online dating, works, but how about meeting a real live person not just a profile. Friends? Social activities? Parties? I'm certainly not spending $4K for events and adventures. Everyone always says get yourself out there... ok, I joined Seattle Works, no options on my team. Join a sport- kickball and bowling- neither have good options, although the other teams might provide some potential candidates. I'm thinking of trying singles shopping night at whole foods. In 52 minutes, I'll be 26, I was supposed to be married at this point according to my life plan. 26 seems much older than 25. I live alone with my two cats, yes, there's something missing here. Changes needs to happen this year or else.........

Stream of Consciousness

I've been meaning to write several "posts" for the past few days, so here is a mix of them all together...

Things I'm Grateful for.....

good friends who, write witty posts or have interesting things to share, friends who check in or call even briefly to say they care or that their t-shirt smells like the beach, friends who are supportive, who say lets remind each other that we are beautiful, confident, sexy women, friends who even after having surgery call to say hi and ask how my day was, friends who don't judge people based upon how they look, people who are genuine.

Seattle. I take you for granted. It snows, it rains and it gets cold, I complain about you. I threaten to leave you. I do love you. I love that you are liberal like me, you want to take care of the homeless, you have interesting independent movies, international film festivals, cheese festivals featuring local dairies, quirky areas with people who strive to be different, parks tucked away in the middle of the city, outdoor movies in the summer, the SLUT, buses covered with bumper stickers and so much more. Even on a rainy day, I am reminded that I heart you. Oh and that there's a small independent bookstore close to my house that I can get my book club book used for $7.99. Go Earth day!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

GOOD 009 - Features - Buying Organic

Most of the "good" brands, I thought I was making an informed choice about buying- Kashi, Seeds of Change, Horizen, Silk, Naked etc are really just a product of mass produced food- Kraft, ConAgra and Heinz. This will make me think twice about where my food comes from and re-focus on some more local brands!

GOOD 009 - Features - Buying Organic

Friday, April 18, 2008

No One Ever Said This Was Easy

It finally happened, I gained weight. Yup, I am about 5-7lbs heavier than I was before. It could be water retention or having my period, but regardless, I don't like feeling heavier. My pants that were super lose are a bit more "comfortable" as they aren't falling off of me. My new size 8's that I was beyond excited to get before Florida felt a little tighter than before. I haven't gone to the gym since before I moved, over a month ago. I pay for the gym, I should go, I have more energy and am happier when I go, but the lazyness or execuses have sit in. I don't watch as carefully what I put in my mouth. Today I ate a chocolate truffle after having a bigger lunch (it was "lo-cal potluck") but the 210 Godiva was not needed, I should of stuck with the tiny piece of my all natural Theo (locally produced!) chocolate bar.

Yes, I've still lost 85 pounds since my heaviest. 100lbs total would be better. I am trying to find that happy balence/medium. I need to be more toned. When I don't workout I see the whale or giant. Sometimes I get glimpses of the real me- slim legs (sometimes smaller thighs even creep out, but quickly go back into the closet), a toned back or a cute little butt. But often I still suffer from a negative body image. I know my eating is directly related to working out and my self image. When I feel good about myself I eat better, I am more motivated. I judge myself in comparison to other women constantly- is she bigger than me? Or usually, am I bigger than her? Who looks better? I doubt if I am cute enough. A couple incidents this past weekend led to me feeling horrible about myself, after talking through it with a couple of people, I've broken through the "slump" but as my birthday approaches next week, my original goal for "hot body" I know i'm not there. The RRD as Michael would call it, still there.

I've contemplated a personal trainer to kick me in gear, but they are just too expensive. Therapy? Yes, I know it would be good on several levels. I haven't found my workout yet. I love my Extreme Sculpt class, it kicks me into gear however it's not my passion. I want to get outside (the fact that it is snowing out does not help). Maybe start jogging around greenlake? I can identify my problem areas. Do I pick one part of my body that I want to improve and I work on individually- ie my focus for May is my arms, June stomach, July thighs? In the end all will look better and its not such a daunting task?

My heart knows its not all about how I look, but rather what is on the inside. The inside seems to believe that the outside often is more important. I feel healthy. I am happy mostly with my life. Why do I put so much stress on myself to be the perfect body? Am I any better of a person being 15lbs slimmer?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Sometimes when we least expect it, an obstacle is thrown directly in front of us. A few weeks ago a good friend found out she had a very large Ovarian Cyst, the doctors speculated that it was actually a tumor however they weren't very sure, however the bigger question we were asking, is it cancer. Yes, they were "pretty sure" it wasn't, but it was massive so it was hard to tell. This morning she had her 5-7lb mass removed and yes, it was free and clear of cancer. Yes, she'll have a long recovery period and possibly the worst part for her is yet to come, however I cannot express into words the relief I feel. The possibility of losing a friend to a disease was almost too much to comprehend. I haven't talked much about it except with M just because we've gone through this together as we learned about it on our vacation in Florida.

We go through life not really expecting something like this to happen, we take precautions to avoid death or harmful situations. But can we really control our destiny? The question of fate was brought up at my book club as we discussed The Three Cups of Tea about a climber's mission to build schools in rural Pakistan. Was he really taking risk? Was he brave or foolish? People often make the remark, oh I wouldn't do that it's too dangerious, yet we forget the fact that we have a higher likelihood of tripping or another common accident. And then there is disease, something we all pretend we know how to prevent- oh take Fish Oil it has Omega 3's, honestly we have no control, it could strike anyday just like a bolt of lightening, in an instant our whole world will change. Do we avoid something because we are too afraid and find excuses not to do it such as it is too dangerous because we think we can control our fate? What if we lived each day saying I am going to follow my passions, try something new and yes, live life a bit dangerously. Would in the end we die sooner or rather die having no regrets? You can't watch life happen around you.

This makes me wonder why J had to go through this right after her wedding, the possibility of never having kids or even worse........ At times like this many seek comfort and solace in a higher power, whatever they may define that power to be- God, Allah, Bhudda or Mother Earth. Myself, I don't have a definition of that power. Today I wasn't sure if I wanted to pray. I told S my super religious co-worker what was going on, I knew she would pray to her God, would that help, I don't know, but I would take anything at that moment. As M said earlier, I'll pray anyday to the cancer free god. For this tonight, I will open a bottle of wine and have a glass of wine thanking whatever, whoever was with J today. Oh and in honor of the Pope's birthday because I promised Al I would celebrate. Sadly work did not think it was worthy of closing.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Music=Austin In September

It's official, I am going to Austin in September for Austin City Limits, Neko is playing- yes twice in one month, it will be awesome. Plus Beck, Foo Fights, Iron and Wine, Stars and soooo many more incredible artists.

This summer is going to rock. Oh and I still want to get Jack Johnson tickets for August. Plus possibly Sasquatch in May?

Friday, April 11, 2008

Dalai Lama Wisdom

Something that the Dalai Lama shared this after noon in Seattle that I find poingnent:

The Dalai Lama says the difference between limited compassion and unlimited compassion is that the first is biased, the second is not.
His point is that you can't be compassionate only toward people you like, or toward people in your religion, or toward just your countrymen — that's cheating.
You must be compassionate toward people you don't know or even like. You must be compassionate toward people whose ideas you don't agree with, toward people whose lives you find abhorrent, he says.

I'm sure there is more to come!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I heart Neko!!!

YAY!!!! Neko is coming to Bumbershoot. Ok I guess I am NOT going to Austin that weekend for the Austin City Limits music festival!!

Edit, I just looked and Austin City limits is later in September so I can do both. My world totally rocks. I can drink in Austin with Ursula while drinking plus hear one of my favorite artists in Seattle! Life just got even a bit better.

Thank You

Thank you to the wonderful people in my life for your positive outlook on the things life throws at us, whether it be dating and trying to find the right person, jobs/careers, friends and family or every day life events.

I am blessed to have you in my life and sometimes not enough we don't appreciate those around us. I am reminded by this with the little details maybe through your blog entry that you so eloquently state, don't feel sorry for yourself, rather be the change you want to be in the world/your life, or possibly a link you send to remind ourselves of goals or even something funny or interesting.

And most of all you listen, you may not even be here, you are in another city, state or even country, but you take the time out of your life to be a friend and for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The New Airstream Cuisine | Food & Wine

Skillet is featured in Food & Wine magazine- go Seattle and airstream trailor! Finally good American street food is being recognized, no longer the "roach" coach or shady taco bus.

The New Airstream Cuisine Food & Wine

PS.... I finally tried "the burger" today, all I can say is bacon jam and the cambozola rocks my world. Can't wait for next week!

Sunday, April 6, 2008


I finally joined the world of Netflix since I am now without cable and am going through a bit of tv withdrawl. My plan is to get tv shows I've been wanting to see such as Weeds and of course movies. So to my friends with excellent taste, what are the movies/tv shows you love and recommend I add to my queue? I am trying to build a large enough one that I don't really have to think about it for awhile. I wish there was a new season of Big Love ready to go, but then I have to wait for Dussert! Also, if you are on Netflix, add me to your friends list so we can share what we are watching.

i think i fell in love with a burger

My mom and grandmother came up to Seattle for lunch, so I wanted something relatively cheap, old person friendly but good. I've been wanting to try Lunchbox Laboratory since I first read about it then seeing such glowing reviews on Yelp, I knew it was time. Its relatively close to my house- dangerous especially in the summer. All I can say is wow!!! I am pretty sure I had the best burger of my life, perfectly cooked, flavorful (way better than Red Mill x10) and purely delicious. The lab is actually a bit overwhelming, more choices than a foodie could imagine, I kid you not about 10 or so cheese choices (I ended up with the NY White Cheddar), several meat choices and sauces galore. I seriously did not comprehend how to start and being as indecisive as I am, I knew I had to make a decision quick. I went with the classics, fresh homemade strawberry milkshake, cheese burger with caramelized onions and the basil aoli plus straight fries with the tea salt (yes, you can even chose the fry toppings- note to self try the bacon salt soon). Plus you can even get mac and cheese which looked delicious. I wanted to eat it all, I was the kid in the candy story in Willy Wonka, actually I was in the chocolate factory. I am most certainly going back, I want to try the sweet potato fries too and some of the other burger sauces. I wish I had an iphone because I would of taken a zillion pictures. Foodie fast food is just genius. I am sure we will start seeing this place written about in the glossy magazine for the city that doesn't exist and even some national ones, yes its that noteworthy. If you live in Seattle go (wait take me with you!). On that note I am going to heat up my oven and finish my left overs.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Back In Business

Part of me is back in Seattle, however there is a large part that is not. I am going through the motions, working etc, but something is missing, i'm not quite sure what though. Maybe its because I haven't really seen anyone in the city since I've been back. Normally when I come home after a trip, I am excited to come back, I see familiar building or places, however this time I did not feel the same affinity for my city. Don't get me wrong, I love this city, there are many amazing aspects to Seattle, diversity of culture, something always going on, the rain (yes, i do like the rain at times), restaurants and of course it is liberal like myself. However, part of me thinks that maybe it is wanting change, but not knowing what that change is or rather what makes me unhappy about my current situation. "Motel 6" aka my apartment is feeling more like home, I need to add some more touches to it, make it look decorated, its not quite right and yes, the boxes in the living room have to go. Maybe because I haven't had my normal social events- bowling, kickball, trivia, happy hour etc that keep me going through the week? Work continues to be a struggle, I face similar fustrations that never seem to change and I realize now more than ever I miss challenge. I miss feeling excited about projects. I miss meetings (shhhh don't tell anyone).

I want someone special to share my life with. I feel alone so many times. I don't like coming home to an empty apartment, I want to tell someone about my day. I am grateful for the amazing people in my life- family, friends and even the random people who touch my life. Yet, most of the time I want something more. Discontent seems to be all too famiiliar in my heart. I find solace in it, its like I want to feel that way. I immerse myself in something- right now its Warcraft, wanting to get home to play, not really feeling like leaving the apartment. I even debated happy hour tonight- duh go, don't find reasons not to go. I am craving chocolate like crazy and yes, I ate a whole bag of jalepeno cheese doodle things the other night, that was dinner even though I bough food to cook.

I am sure I will find a happy medium but for now, something isn't right, but I guess my job is to fix it, work on making it right. The other night I was talking to a good friend I hadn't talked to in years, she mentioned she was thinking of trying online dating, so I shared some of the adventures the past few years in online dating- it provided some good laughts but also suggested that maybe I try it again, nothing traumatic nor horrible, thus why should I give up so easily. Yes, one was boring, one we had bad sex and others were just temporary, but each served a purpose and I should remember that.

Nation & World | Peace sign has made its mark for 50 years | Seattle Times Newspaper

Nation & World Peace sign has made its mark for 50 years Seattle Times Newspaper

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Some Good News on Food Prices - New York Times

Maybe we will actually start thinking abotu where our food comes from as well as the effects on our bodies!

Some Good News on Food Prices - New York Times