No One Ever Said This Was Easy

It finally happened, I gained weight. Yup, I am about 5-7lbs heavier than I was before. It could be water retention or having my period, but regardless, I don't like feeling heavier. My pants that were super lose are a bit more "comfortable" as they aren't falling off of me. My new size 8's that I was beyond excited to get before Florida felt a little tighter than before. I haven't gone to the gym since before I moved, over a month ago. I pay for the gym, I should go, I have more energy and am happier when I go, but the lazyness or execuses have sit in. I don't watch as carefully what I put in my mouth. Today I ate a chocolate truffle after having a bigger lunch (it was "lo-cal potluck") but the 210 Godiva was not needed, I should of stuck with the tiny piece of my all natural Theo (locally produced!) chocolate bar.

Yes, I've still lost 85 pounds since my heaviest. 100lbs total would be better. I am trying to find that happy balence/medium. I need to be more toned. When I don't workout I see the whale or giant. Sometimes I get glimpses of the real me- slim legs (sometimes smaller thighs even creep out, but quickly go back into the closet), a toned back or a cute little butt. But often I still suffer from a negative body image. I know my eating is directly related to working out and my self image. When I feel good about myself I eat better, I am more motivated. I judge myself in comparison to other women constantly- is she bigger than me? Or usually, am I bigger than her? Who looks better? I doubt if I am cute enough. A couple incidents this past weekend led to me feeling horrible about myself, after talking through it with a couple of people, I've broken through the "slump" but as my birthday approaches next week, my original goal for "hot body" I know i'm not there. The RRD as Michael would call it, still there.

I've contemplated a personal trainer to kick me in gear, but they are just too expensive. Therapy? Yes, I know it would be good on several levels. I haven't found my workout yet. I love my Extreme Sculpt class, it kicks me into gear however it's not my passion. I want to get outside (the fact that it is snowing out does not help). Maybe start jogging around greenlake? I can identify my problem areas. Do I pick one part of my body that I want to improve and I work on individually- ie my focus for May is my arms, June stomach, July thighs? In the end all will look better and its not such a daunting task?

My heart knows its not all about how I look, but rather what is on the inside. The inside seems to believe that the outside often is more important. I feel healthy. I am happy mostly with my life. Why do I put so much stress on myself to be the perfect body? Am I any better of a person being 15lbs slimmer?