Sleep

I can't sleep. It's almost 4am, I will have to get up in about 2-1/2 hours. Must be on time or rather early to work. My bedroom is hot but the window won't open. I talked to M for about an hour earlier, that didn't help really my head won't shut up. It's partially that I'm too excited about changes at work, my new clothes, warm weather and being able to wear the clothes, working out tomorrow but then its also the worries thinking about the changes at work, mother, drama with friends and all the stuff in between. I thought about turning on a show w from Hulu, that always helps but i can't be reliant on tv for sleep. I don't have any melotonin. Nothing.... just my thoughts playing over and over in my head like a scratched record. My neighbor is oddly up too, actually I think she got home earlier cause the cats stirred.

This weekend was great, really one of those perfect summer party weekends. I'll write more about it later, pics on facebook speak for themselves. Now I'd really like to sleep. Oddly enough its the first night of the weekend I slept in my own bed, not that there was any action, just slept elsewhere and slept better even on a couch and the infamous hard futon with Maxi. Now all I want is sleep. I hate that sometimes I am out and I get sooo tired, I practically fall asleep wherever we are at and then there are Sunday nights.... and oh fuck, I just realized I had not one but two cups of Mary Stewart coffee. No wonder I am wide awake. That stuff is lethal. I've mostly given up caffiene, I can't sleep otherwise, it changed with the mono.

..... attempting sleep again. Monday has already come too quick.

Perspective

Purpose and Perspective. These two words seem ever so present right now in my life. Avenue Q touched upon purpose in an ever so hilarious but thoughtful way. The mid-twenties crisis seems to be all about finding purpose. Yes, even through raunchy puppet sex, singing along to everyone's a bit racist and the internet is for porn, I found a bit of perspective about my life. We all are trying to find the right job/career and partner, both oddly connected. Sometimes we settle, stay in a situation that is bad for us too long and miss out on something that is good for us. We aimlessly wander but through these experiences or rather mistakes, we learn about ourselves, growing up and really what we want out of life. I am the hardest on myself, others I forgive and encourage, while I criticize my decisions, settle for less than I should both career wise and in men. I still don't quite understand my purpose rather I hope that with each decision I will figure it out. My "plan" that I laid out for myself when I was younger doesn't seem right- marriage and children in my twenties. Travel doesn't seem to happen, but don't I have to take risks? In the end generally things will be ok. Maybe I should make it a goal to research international opportunities and go for it, next year? I can always come back to Seattle. I set such high goals for myself, standards that aren't realistic. Break down the goals. I somehow wonder how I actually lost the 90lbs, was it all a lie- how did the scale really go down. But really it's all about perspective. I still see myself as the fattest person in the room.
And I have the unstable parent, no one else does.

We read the Glass Castle this month. I remember over a year ago starting the book, reading about the woman on park avenue with the homeless parent. It was all too close to home, I knew I would like the book, but part of me wasn't ready to deal with reality therefore I never finished the book. I finally finished it. Jeanette accepts her parents with such grace and insight. Throughout reading I kept thinking about my mother. My picture perfect childhood- completely the opposite of hers- private school, nice restaurants, shopping and vacations. Money wasn't really a concern. However there were signs- the hiding of the credit card bills, the dirty house, my stay at home mom that I didn't really know what she did all day, the old beat up car while my friends parents drove pristine Volvos and Mercedes and wearing the dirty clothes with holes. These things embarrassed me amongst my upper middle class peers. Now, I oddly identify with Jeanette's struggle. I have a parent who asked me to pay for plane tickets because she didn't have the money, losing the drivers license, sleeping on the floor- signs of severe depression- when I bring these things up, the response is its not your worry or a quick change of conversation or I have to go. No my parents were not alcoholics nor was there ever abuse, practically the polar opposite. However as my father put it the other night, my mothers world shattered. How do I accept this new world and the fact that I cannot keep fixing it for her. Towards the end the Wall kids realize this, the same cycle repeats itself. The last time she asked me to take care of the plane tickets, I refused, my father was furious and ordered me not to fix the situation, that it would happen again and again, I was enabling. If I buy her a new bed, I am enabling. I pay for a house cleaner, again I enable. I was shocked at how much I identified with this book. They found their peace and balance. I need to find mine. I can't crumble inside when I see my mother, its not healthy. Yet, I could see a future that is pretty grim. Just like when I hear my mother talking about shopping at thrift stores and wearing my hand me downs, the woman who used to spend hundreds of dollars at Nordstrom. Perspective and Purpose. Finding both is going to be a challenge. I figured out being selfish. Now I need to learn the two P's.

It all started with a dress

I'm not supposed to start drinking again till Friday. Yet, I found myself ordering a vodka soda at the bar. Then it was a bottle of wine and another and lastly madeira with the final cheese course. I sent a text I probably shouldn't have, but I did telling S that I was tipsy, he knows I'm not supposed to drink. Is it weird I chose him to send the text to? I love dinner club. Tonight I spent about $75 too much on dinner, but the company was fabulous, 3 hours passed by easily without awkward silence. Different people, but they get food. We ordered several dishes, talked about the merits of each dish, what worked, what didn't. I've been wanting to try How To Cook A Wolf for awhile, I've done Union and Travatola, now I've done all three. I believe this so far is my favorite of his three restaurants. Last month, Crush was innovative, different, this was simple, but pleasing to the palate. Crispy moist polenta, seared scallops with a white bean puree and spaghetti with red pepper, parsley, anchovies and Parmesan. Several coures in between. I'm happy. Tomorrow is my trailer day, more good food, homemade smores and sturgeon. I'm ready! I have to start the food blog. I would right now, but I have to read for book club and I'm too tipsy. I want quality. I love my Seattle friends. I really do. You rock my world. Thank you, for being here for coffee dates, dinner club, gchat and late night conversations. You inspire me. You remind me what life is about, happiness. You have faith, inspiration, you care and you listen.

When Good Things Come To An End

This morning I left with a hug and quick kiss goodbye. It marked the end of what for the past two months has been the ultimate of the undefined. He said I'll talk to you later, you have my number. I joked that I didn't. But really will we talk again? No more walk or rather drives home of shame. Something changed recently in me, what I want out of a relationship, my expectation level. It's hard to define, but before I wanted it all, yet I always settled for 25% of what I deserved. Maybe now that I am more comfortable in my own skin, I can realize that relationships take many forms, sometimes they may be brief but are here to teach us something. And sometimes when we aren't trying so hard, a good thing can come along where we least expect it.

S and I didn't have the deep epic personal talks. Yes, we talked about our lives, but it was surface level. Yet, we shared a connection, a certain level of intimacy. Last night he asked are you going home or spending night, I simply replied, I don't know. Then a few moments later he leaned over and kissed me.... and thus I knew I was spending the night. Unspoken, with a few comical moments, we shared a connection. It's the little things I appreciate about S, he automatically put my feet in between his legs because he knew they got cold in the middle of the night. We got each others sense of humor. I knew in my heart there was no possibility of long term potential from the beginning, maybe this allowed me to just have fun. Isn't that after all what dating is all about? I wonder if we get wrapped up too much in societal expectations and we lose sight of the dating process. You go on a couple of dates, start sleeping together and then BOOM we are expected to fall into this serious relationship, whatever happened to just seeing how it goes. In someways I liked the lack of expectations. And now, I know I can move on, no hurt feelings, wondering what went wrong, knowing that it was good, but now I have to see where the next adventure brings me. Summer is (almost) here and that leaves plenty of room for hot summer romances or flings. I'm getting out there, I have no doubt things will fall into place.

Regardless, I liked my Saturday "dates," they were hot and yes, the sex was good.

Goals

Reading Jessica's blog about working out and cooking inspired me again. When I kick mono's ass it is time for a new set of goals, a revised set of goals. I am not going to focus so much on that number anymore rather shifting my focus again on a healthier way of living. I am going to start working out again, I got bored, I needed something to start me up, I think I am *gasp* going to start running and eventually I want to try spinning and other various sorts of activities. I miss feeling strong and healthy, I feel weak and lethargic (especially now), I hate that feeling. Tuesday class will not be optional anymore. Thus the following need to happen:

1) I am going to purchase new workout clothes- ones that fit and are comfortable. I'm tired of the one pair of yoga pants that fall down.
2) A "healthy" water bottle, not my token smart water nor the nalgene full of the cancer causing chemicals. Sorry Naglene, your time has come to rest.
3) New gym mix for my ipod, some current songs that make me feel good, not thinking oh god not that song again.
4) A gym partner, I need one. Let's make it a priority together. Noelle? Our lives got busy, but really we did it before, just schedule the time and make it happen.
5) Pick out some recipes and make them, keep the healthy eating going, no more fast food or getting lazy when I go out.

Last summer I lost the weight, this summer I am going to strengthen, tone and find the inner strength I deserve. Oh and one more thing, Seattle, co-operate here with me, I need some sun. I want to go out for walks or jogs around Greenlake or go for some hikes. Please it is June 3, no more rain, cloudy weather, just a bit of sun please.

Things I've Learned

The past three days have woken me up a bit, well not really I've been half out of it really, but it's given me a bit of time to notice stuff I normally wouldn't have:

-My garbage day is Monday, normally I leave before they are here so I don't know, this morning I woke up to the sound of the truck, nothing huge really, but kinda nice to now know this small detail.

-I will never take a long shower for granted again. After feeling dizzy from 15 minutes of standing, I realized I will cherish my normal shower again.

-Family and friends are really here for me, I'm not alone isolated on an island.

-Motel 6 is now home. When you leave the smell is still there, but after being here for almost 48 hours straight I didn't notice it.

-Our world can change in hours, the way our body functions is not permanent rather simple processes can become cumbersome.

-And yes getting sick can help you lose those extra 5lbs from not working out rather quickly.