Quiet

Learn To Be Quiet

Franz Kafka

You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. I read this tonight and it really had an impact. With the snow and the holidays, there's too much quiet around me, but I don't know how to handle the quiet- I find fillers, I get antsy, depression creeps its ugly face into my life. I struggle most with the silence in my life. The moments home alone, time that I'm not talking to friends, I think last night I literally interacted with over 20 people in the course of 2 hours, I couldn't stand to "be alone." Rather then dwell on these words, I am going to read them, think about them and reflect.

Ticket for One

I'm single. I'm not lonely, I hate men and the world single. Rather I have a fabulous group of friends both couples and other single ladies, my life is rich with those who care about me as a person, support me through challenges and challenge me and celebrate good fortune. I really cannot complain. However, two events this past week felt like single was red level alert.

The work holiday party is next Sunday. I'm bringing M, he's kind enough to endure a few hours with my co-workers, the ones he hears "stories" about on a regular basis. Yes, he's my crutch to get through, especially in a room filled with co-workers with their spouses. This week my boss asked me to confirm who is coming etc so he can get the final head count, I said, I assume find out who is bringing a guest. To which he responds, well its really intended for people to bring spouses or a significant other. Part of me was shocked and part infuriated. He explained tha itt is not a "boozer" to bring just anyone, rather an intimate gathering to share with those who are special to us. After listening to him, I said well I had planned on bringing Michael, is that ok? Yes because he's "special" to you. After a few e-mails with the other singles in the office who responded to my awkward e-mail, the singleites were a bit infuriated. First of all it's discriminatory, last time I checked you can't discriminate against marital status in the workplace. Second, I can damn well bring whoever I want to the party. If I wanted to bring a friend, then I should be able to, its my choice. M said the party situation reminded him of the SATC episode in which Carrie's shoes are stolen at a party, it was her "choice" to buy $500 shoes, yet the numerous gifts she had bought for said friend, those were life events she was supporting. My "choice" to be single at work now seperates me from my other co-workers. N said that in previous years she has brought friends, her brother to work events, wanting to share the occasion with them, that she is always invited to bring a guest.

Last night Jaxon hosted people for the holiday dinner, over 50 people were attending. I walk in the door, you either take a single ticket or a couple ticket. Great, I'm being "singled out" for being single again. I went straight for the wine and said hello to those who were already there. Finally it was time for dinner. I have to say, I was impressed how he handle this, people were mixed up, a few couples per table, mixed with singles. A couple of single girls had made themselves a couple so they could sit together. I ended up at a table with a few friends and a few new people. Sadly I didn't end up talking tot he two cute guys I spotted, one was at my table rather I did mostly converse with those I knew. One of the things I'm grateful for is that many of our couple friends are not clingy rather they operate seperately at events, you'll find them sitting apart, conversing with others and enjoying the good company of friends.

Am I single by choice? I don't actually know. My immediate reaction is to say no. But honestly, its yes. I could pick up just "any" guy but rather I won't settle for less for true dating. I've slept/dated with not the best people in the past, but I would never refer to them as a boyfriend. Rather I partially like a pretty independent life. Yes, there are few I heavily depend on and without them I might be more likely to seek out a boyfriend. The holidays seem to heighten the feeling of being alone. But I don't feel alone. I have friends, wonderful people. Sometimes in the morning, I snuggle in bed under the covers with the kitties wishing there was a warm manly body next to me. My fresh shaven leggs, with that silky feeling would be more appreciated by a boy. Last night I had to dust off the cobwebs on my razors so I could wear a dress sans leggings or fishnets which I've been wearing recently for warmth of course. I have to remind myself, I'm only 26, I have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right and according to the psychic, when I do, it will be incredible. But for now, I have to remind myself, I am single by choice and its not a bad thing.

Interior Transformation

It's Saturday, but I'm awake at 7:30am, how ironic that most mornings it takes the jaws of life to get me out of bed yet this am I could easily jump out of bed. I am the kid on Christmas day. My brain is on one single track that plays over and over and over. Last week I brought together 4 wonderful ladies and tasked them with arduous endeavor of redecorating motel 6. In preparation, I laundered piles and piles of clothes, cleaned- still more cleaning to be done, doesn't quite "sparkle" the way I want. Noelle arrived with a poster of inspiration- things that represent Lorraine. Denae and I worked on our own personal weekly goals, evaluating the success of previous weeks, I was on track with the home stuff, off track with eating. Natasha and S, they arrived with a mission. We first brainstormed- what I needed, how my place should reflect me and most of all that is was not necessary for me to check out quite yet rather revamp my living space to bring peace to my inner core. My hand me downs and Craigslist finds were good, but lacked a cohesive style. The first step was we re-arranged the living room, cleared out old boxes from QA and did some adjusting in the bedroom. Quickly the yin and the yang of my apartment changed- my bed now framed by both side tables/lamps that I love looks inviting. The living room now flows into the kitchen, for an open feel and ease of entertaining.

Step Two. S and N both started to send a multitude of e-mails, CL finds- new furniture, fun accents from Etsy (my new favorite site)- including an incredible find of a $350 Ikea Armoire for $75 to hide my television. S- with her lack of inertia for work, picked paint samples, tirelessly throughout the week sending me links and suggestions. Today was planned as decorate/paint day. Yesterday got the formal go ahead from the landlord. Last night after working WAY too many hours this week, I decided to actually leave work at 5pm and a trip to Pier 1 was necessary. Still not feeling completely confident in the plan for today, I needed some direction, so I asked S to come. We wandered, found the cross I liked (yes, I am hanging a cross in my apartment!) then we looked at curtains, pillows and other various accents. Found a lamp that I love for an affordable price. Next, Target (Targe). The vision came together. Not going to make the grand reveal yet, that is saved for pictures later tonight. The crew is coming over today to help transform (minus N- she will have to wait for the grand finale).

There is the big Prop 8 march today- my heart is there, but today my brain is on other things. I in complete solidarity support the repeal however I don't think I am going. I want to make another trip to Target to possibly pick up a lamp, Crate and Barrel and other last minute details to prepare for today (already have the wine!). Cycling is in an hour, I should get out of bed and go. However, I think I will clear out the garbage, get the cooler in the car and do other tasks to really prep for today. I feel like once this task is complete I can focus on working out again (and new headphones since the cat chewed on mine leaving me with one less earbud).

Don't Stop Believing

My alarm went off yesterday, but I didn't need the annoying beep that I dread daily. I quickly got dressed and left my apartment. I was a woman on a mission. I drove to Coe Elem. which is right behind the old QA apartment. I had my voters registration card in my purse. Ready. In front of me I hear 610 1/2 W. McGraw... its tweet tweet. I say hi. She says come sit next to me. I get my official ballot. I start to fill it. I've never done this before. I have a confession. It's actually my first time voting ever. In the past, I thought, oh we'll win, or neglected to register. This year was different. I wanted to caucus. And now, the day is here. I actually started to put X's through the circles, no I needed to fill them in completely (Thanks Robyn). I was done. Pretty easy. Exhilerating. The Rush of knowing I had the power to make a change. Pretty cool. Proudly wearing my "I voted" sticker we had coffee- she filled me in on the gossip of the new neighbors.

I headed to work. Hopeful, neverous my emotions were stronger than expected. I already planned to go to Babeland for my free silver bullett at lunch. I tasked Kyle to watch the election results. Hour by hour my attention span faded, wanting to grab my champagne from the fridge and head to the Westin. 5pm hit, I was ready. Checked Cnn- McCain 8, Obama 3. It's early. I meet Deb for some drinks, we are gaining ground, I can already feel the momentum gaining. Obama gaining more and more electoral votes. I think he's going to do this. Happiness exuding from my pores. We get on the SLUT (just realized it was my first SLUT ride) to the Westin. Head to Jaxon's suite. Everyone is there. And the night went from there, we celebrated. We laughed. Victory was close. Finally it was time to head to the main ballroom. The room was packed. I had grabbed a celebratory glass of champagne just in case. We pick a spot. Rick Steves spotted in front of us... hot damn! And then its announced. Ohio. The election is ours. We did it. I scream, feeling happier than I've ever felt before. Fists in the air, yelling our motto "YES WE CAN." Our hell of the last 8 years is over. We made history- the first African American president. Obama is the man. Wow... I'm speachless. The energy and emotion in the room is indescribable. We make phone calls, texts start coming through, oh my god... its really happening.

We return to the suite to watch his acceptance speach at Grant Park. Crazy. I'm on the 39th floor of the Westin hotel celebrating with some of the most incredible people I know. I'm over-joyed. Adrenaline rush through my veins. It's happened. McCain surrenders. No more worries of Prez. Palin- which now has come out that the Mavericks barely spoke to each other. Not sure what he was thinking, but for sure a recipe for failure. We continue to party. I make some blue drink that is pure alcohol. I'm golden for the rest of the night. We party like rock stars. I accost Rick Steves. We visit several parties. My first spiritual political experience was the March for Women's Lives in 2004, this was a million times better. My country just voted for a political leader I believe in, not just anyone, the man that gives me chills and makes my heart tingle. He believes in equality. He supports choice. His wife is awesome. And most of all, he believes in the power of his country not in the scary way of Bush, rather our power to change, celebrate our freedom. I finally leave the Westin at 3am. The lastest I've stayed out in a long time. Still a bit drunk with my bottle of CMS red I stole from Gregoire's party- oh yeah, we ended up in one of her parties.

Wednesday was the morning after. Just like the first time you have really hot sex with someone, the glow remains and you are on top of the world. We had come together as a country. My hangover loomed, it was going to be a rough day, but 100% worth it. A friend recently compared Nov. 5 to post 9-11, but the opposite. Stories of people hugging each other in the streets, yelling yes we can. A friend told me about people on his bus celebrating. Rosa Parks would be proud. Last I watched videos, read blogs, our nation rejoiced. Neighbors in Capitol Hill played Don't Stop Believing. The song, the crowd pretty much sums up how I felt.

We have a long ways to go. Prop 8 still looms. Schools to fix. States that voted against gay couples adopting. States that continue to pass anti-choice measures. However, we have a President elect who supports gay marriage (civil unions), pro-choice measures, comprehensive sex education, preserving our planet, and tax cuts for the average working american. I plan to go to church this Sunday, to give thanks for bring change and hope to our nation.

Running

I finally did it, i put on my running shoes and went out for a run. The streets are covered with leaves, but I persevered. I think I ran for about 40 minutes, well actually ran/walk. My heart rate was up for sure. I stopped back by M's house for a drink of water then kept going. On my journey I saw several walks of shame, people out with their children, couples drinking coffee on their porches and the condom I almost stepped on. Plus remnants of last night- pieces of Halloween costumes that were abandoned by partiers, candy wrappers, empty beer cans and of course many jack o'laterns decaying on steps. 

The fresh air is rejuvenating. The air is crisp. More importantly it is quiet. I sometimes forget that I don't like the city. I'm like those yin yang cookies, half of me is white chocolate and half is dark chocolate. Part of me loves the city, the urban lifestyle- the restaurants, the happy hours and the constant flow of people. Yet the other half thrives on trees, smaller communities, being by the water and a less complicated way of life. Then there's the part that wants the bigger change. Austin is still very much so on the brain. I have quite a bit on my plate right now, I'm working longer hours, I still want to be in better shape physically and I am in the process of making home home. I hit a low this past month. I was hiding from myself and others. I found myself trying to find comfort in food- eating badly and still feeling empty. I neglected the gym, made excuses why I couldn't go- I was still slightly sick, I had to do stuff at home (which I never really never ended up doing) and I wouldn't pack my stuff. A friend put a challenge on- we both set goals and I'm trying to get back on track. I need to motivate myself. Remind myself how good I feel when I eat better, workout and keep a well rounded life. I tried this dating website, not entirely happy with the experience, then like so many other things in my life abandoned it when bored.  I see a pattern, but not quite sure how to overcome it in my life- counseling? Drugs? More journaling/writing? All of the above? 

Lines

Last night was life changing. Well not really. But in an odd sense, something big happened. My friend N invited S and I to this party in West Seattle hosted by a gay Realtor from her work. Decked out in our "musical theme attire" we drank champagne prior to the party then headed to West Seattle. I kid you not this was like entering an alternate universe, some people decorate for Christmas, these men have Halloween down to perfection. A the gracious host gave us the grand tour which included telling us there was a palm reader. We laughed, that sounds like fun, then moved onto get drinks, eat delicious food and talk with N's co-workers. Incredible details in this beautiful West Seattle home, this for sure is not the college parties of my 20s nor what I'll probably be doing next Friday. We mingled, decided to wait in line to have our palms read, why not, the line was too long so we went back to the party. N and I infatuated with the food including the chocolate fondue fountain. So cannot wait for next years party- even got a preview of the theme. The line was shorter for the Palm Reader, it was close to mid-night, why not, we wait. We are the last ones in, wheee, he's tired but ready to read our palm lines. I go first.

He says wow, you have a LOT going on. I hope this isn't too personal, but you have a medical problem with your torso area, stomach-lower back, something isn't right. Damn, yup, my tummy, it bothers me. You need to fix this. It's causing you pain/stress. Ok yes, he's right keep on going. I'm starting to realize this isn't quite the fluff I had believed in the past. Next point, you have to do some self-acceptance, be confident in yourself, embrace yourself. You've recently acquired some power, in the past you've had several experiences that left you feeling powerless. Don't abuse the power, be strong but hold back a bit. Damn, he's pretty accurate. Next, you have great intuition about people, keep that to yourself, don't share it, that knowledge is powerful, rather sit back, let it come to you and process it. Woa.... this is getting a bit spooky. My lines come together (want to research this some more), this means I have something great to contribute to the world, I have something to give. Don't ignore that, what I'm doing right now is not related to what I have to give. I need to pursue those interests that fuel my soul, make me happy. Oh crap. Then one last note, keep writing, you are a natural editor. HOLY FUCK. This man just told me everything spot on going on in my life, my head. N and S were sitting there nodding, they knew all this. I have a full plate, a lot to accomplish.

He moves onto S (this is her own story to tell) and then N. Both were incredibly accurate- relationships, life etc. Things both have dealt with recently. Very very erie. Lastly he reads N's former co-worker J. Oddly he mentions all three of their love lives. After he finishes, I say, I have a question, you talked about their love lives, but not mine, why? He says it wasn't as strong for you. Has me lay out my hand. Tells me that I have more important things to focus on but love will come. Not to worry. Next, he says... "What the hell...." as he is observing my palm. Have you been in love before? No. Are you in a relationship? No. Have you been in a significant relationship? No. Are you sure? Well I have this friend, we are pretty close. Bam! This relationship is like a soul mate but not sexual. Yup. With a gay man? Yes. Let this person be your soul mate, its ok right now but know that in the future once you tackle the other stuff you will find a great love and it will knock your socks of anything you've felt before. You are worthy of being love and can give great love. You are damn sexy and beautiful, you'll be fine. You have quite a bit to achieve, your love life is the least of your problems.

This little party had just changed my life. A complete stranger accurately described most of my inner battles. He defined my life path. He doesn't know me, I said nothing to him, all I did was lay out my palm to him. Still trying to process the information. I didn't believe in any of this stuff til yesterday. Now, well, I'm convinced. I watched this man accurately describe all three of our lives, our battles- strengths and weaknesses. What does this mean for me? Well, it means to start focusing again on my health- my body, working out, eating right. To keep writing in Scrumptious Seattle. Learn my new management position. And most importantly, come into self acceptance. I've known all of these things. But I've been tasked. I know I want that great love he speaks of, but I have quite a bit to accomplish before I can find that soul mate. For now, I guess its M. (Oh and that doesn't mean I can't have sex and he says that's what Toys in Babeland is for! LOL). Contribute something great to the world? Damn.... what does that mean? Still a bit overwhelmed by the experience, but oddly feeling calmer. Lately I've been falling again into a middle depression. I feel a sense of purpose, greater than I've ever felt before. I have more of a sense of meaning to my life. Feeling a bit overwhelmed in the words of Sarah Palin, you betcha, but I see hope and change. I wonder if Obama has the merging of lines, what would a Palm Reader say about him? I will keep on writing.

Thank you N, for inviting me. Changing my life. Just realized I was supposed to go to Bellingham this weekend but M had too much homework, he pushed it back til next weekend. I believe there was a reason I went to this party, I was destined to go. I am honored to share the experience with two wonderful people in my life.

Men

I am confused by the male species. You give mixed signals. Granted us women are no better. However, recent endeavors with a particular dating site baffles me. For instance, this evening, a certain user messages me, apparently my picture of myself in a tankini was "something only old women and mothers wear," then proceeded to tell me he was turned on and would have sex in the kitchen with me. Oh and btw, I'm having an affair with a 22 year old Ukrainian woman. WTF??? Is this supposed to be a turn on? Are these the people I am destined to meet?

I am still looking to meet Mr. Right. I know he's out there, but please come out from hiding. There were two cute guys who walked into Baracktoberfest on Saturday, of course they sat alone, I didn't talk to either. Then there's the hot SW Board Member who used to be on Survivor that I have a sorta secret crush who happened to show up.

I have hope that things will be different. I need change just as much as we do in this country. I'm looking to go on a date. Not hook up with some random guy. Nor settle. I have expectations. And yes, a little sex would be nice too.