Family Dynamics

I put myself out there today. I knew my mom wanted to see the Louvre exhibit at the SAM, today was the last day and mothers day, so I invited her and my grandmother up to Seattle. My morning was off to an already slow start, with barely enough time to brush my teeth and grab some oh so required coffee. Spending time with my mom today saddened me a bit. It's not so much her nor her lack of life, rather it was the way she treats my grandmother. My grandmother is out of it, she seems to lack noticing whats going on, her world isn't reality. My mom talks to my grandmother like she's a pre-schooler, no you can't eat that, telling her where to go and what to do at every moment. She follows her around like a puppy dog. While at the exhibit, she was explaining what the artifacts were as if she was 5, "Mother, thats a bowl and a cup from the Roman empire." Really? Can she not read herself or tell that it 's a cup? I feel like her interactions diminishes my grandmothers actual capabilities. Did she treat me like this when I was a child? Was that why I was so independent yet dependent? I spent most of the time wandering the museum alone, reading about life in the Roman era, but also watching the vast number of families, especially mothers and daughters. Part of me really wishes things were different. Actually most of me. I feel guilty for admitting that, but it's the truth.

After the attempted lunch to have a real talk, I've given up a bit of hope for her and change. I've tried to reach out a couple of times, but my desire to have family around me diminishes. I was e-mailing a vendor asking her what she was doing for mothers day, she said that this time is bittersweet as her parents are dead (she does have a daughter). Joy reminded me to be thankful that they are around. Honestly, I lost my mother 4 or so years ago, the person I would call to talk to, even when things were bad. The sense of comfort, that your parent can make everything ok, is no longer there. Part of me wonders what is actually going in my mothers head. How does she perceive the world? Is it a false reality? The roof that was almost destroyed in the storm over a year ago, the pee soaked carpet, lights that don't work, dust from several years of accumulation, baggy old clothes, a garden with plants slowly dying and piles and piles of unopened bills, letters and financial statements. Do these exist in her reality? I don't think these things would bother me so much if it wasn't for the one thing I most desperately want. A hug, an i love you. Neither have happened in years. The last time I got a real hug I don't remember. When I am a parent, I will tell my children I love them every day. I remember the mom who would take care of me when i was sick, when I was an adolescent comfort me in my angst, remind me everything was ok when I had my breakdowns. Now she's unaware of my world. Part of me wants to scream to her, mother this happened last night and yes, there are big things going on and I want to tell you about them. But such topics are taboo in our relationship. Conversation consists of idle chit chat. I try to share small parts of my life, but they are brushed off, no response. Everything revolves around one thing, the dog, Henri. She pointed out the parking lot that we took him to when he was a puppy after the cheese festival to go to the bathroom... really? I'm glad you remember that, but when it comes time to come to my friend's wedding that I am the Maid of Honor in, you can't seem to make the 4 blocks. I realized that I get more comfort from the friends in my life. Even when I said, how I called Jamie because I really wanted to talk to someone about something, she didn't ask what that was, nothing. My friends are truly my family. I've made them my family. The other 50% of my family lives farther away, and oddly enough was the one I didn't have as strong of a relationship with as a child, now he's the rock. I cherish my Florida trips, the fact that my Dad says don't worry about filling up the car with gas or says to me every time I call, I love you. That means something. He's the parent I can count on, the one I know will be there for me in a second.

I don't mean for this to be a negative post, but rather some feelings I had to get out there. Is my relationship with my mother a test? I'm scared for the future, I worry about her, yet very few others share my concern. For now, I tell myself to focus on the positive. I had a mother to spend Mothers Day with, I know deep down in her heart she still cares.