Challenges

What makes us challenge ourselves? What drives the inner challenges we face, overcome and often avoid. A friend commented that my desire to work hard, overcome or move forward is fear of loss. I sometimes wonder what really drives me? Is it wanting to succeed? Or am I a follower?

Tonight I had my first ever personal training session, rather "fitness orientation" at my gym, aka we are going to try to sell you on personal training. As the cute trainer, asked me questions about my overall health, eating, workout routine and personal health/fitness goals, I found myself candidly answering his questions. Why do I use the treadmill, well the thinner/more fit people do so that's why I switched. Do I stretch, no. Have I focused on strength training this past year, no. Part of me knew, there was no hiding from the truth. Sometimes I do well- take the vitamins, drink water, eat healthy and work out on a regular basis and other moments, I have beer, eat the basket of chips and my workout bag remains untouched. Yes, I want to lose 20lbs, 10 by March 20. Of course that is an attainable goal, let me tell you how we can do this, he laid out a plan, all for $480 for 6 sessions, yeah right. He gave me a few good hints about why I hadn't been toning the way I wanted/flattening my stomach, no more using weight machines rather I had to use my own strength, stability and balance, that means working harder. Stretching. Must do it to tone. Cardio was ok. Honestly, if I stick with my workouts, eat healthy (and regularly) and get enough sleep, I can lose the 10lbs on my own. It's challenge. I know that, would I prefer to have the cute flirtatious personal trainer cheer me on, yes, but realistically it is not within my budget. For a (very) brief moment, I thought oh I can charge it, but M and Mint started screaming NO, my head quickly went back to reality. I did after all just commit to a more expensive phone, can't add more expenses when I am trying to consolidate. I need to find the happy medium- liking my body, my size and most of all total health.

And then there's dating. I achieved my goal for January. I am starting to recognize patterns. A candid conversation with Lyz and Michael made me realize a few valid points- no more introverts. Online dating, why are they online? Well they don't have the full rich life. M said, you know I was happy single, his comment resonated in my own life as well, was/am I truly unhappy single? What is wrong with living a rich and full life? A few things- intimacy, we can all "please" ourselves, but we can't be intimate in that way with ourselves, rather the closeness we feel with a partner is what is truly lacking in my life. More than weight loss and personal health, this is going to be my greatest challenge. Finding that person who makes me happy, who makes my stomach flutter and most all treats me like gold. I already have wonderful people who I can talk to, friends who support me- some 5 minutes away, (a short) 85 miles and others hundreds, but all integral parts of my life. We talk on the phone, twitter, e-mail, text and Facebook. I cherish them, I really do and made me realize I couldn't let a mediocre person replace what I already had, wanting something rather than nothing. Many times, I do have to remind myself, I am only 26 (which I had to think about for a moment at the gym today when asked my age).

Personal interests- where do I challenge myself? This weekend I wanted to conquer a mini fear, something I hadn't done in years. With Michael's patience and support, we started the process. My calves are a bit bruised, but that's OK. In a few weeks when I go back up to Bellingham, we'll pick up where we left off. I shy away from what scares me. It's automatic. I hold back. Fear? Not wanting to get hurt mostly. I love travel, every year I say I want to go to Italy, but it hasn't happened yet. I went to Austin last weekend, Florida in a month, Sasquatch in May, possibly San Fran this summer for M's graduation and then Austin again for ACL. I've figured out how to do the weekend trips, yet part of me yearns for something grander, longer and out of the country. Why have I not challenged myself to make this happen? I started the process of decorating my apartment, that too lingers with so much more that could be done- the kitchen, my bedroom and adding more picture frames in the hallway. Oh and Pradabelle, only a 55, she needs to work on getting to 70, I know it's silly, but It's a big goal.

Professionally? Almost 3 years later, I am still at RH Pink. It feels different though. I am finally starting to embrace my roll at the company, make it my own. I actually feel content, I'm not looking for more, wishing things were different. I see challenge in my job, not disdain. I know where I want to be- breaking the glass ceiling, working in a corporate setting, it will come but for now I need to conquer my own personal career challenges, establish myself as a manager and find peace in my career path. I finally have a professional mentor/boss, it's not a bad thing.

Many of these thoughts have been floating around in my head recently. I wanted to blog about them, but the context was missing. Tonight it finally came together, challenge. Keeping my eye on the prize and breaking out of my mold while holding true to myself. I can do this. I have the energy within in me. My December slump aka winter depression is officially over. Our country overcame huge challenges this past year while embarking on a new era with momentous challenges ahead. The new tag line, yes we can seems almost applicable to so many facets that I need to remind myself the slogan of 2008 each time I find an excuse as to why I can't.

Update

I realize its been awhile I often think I should write but then don't rather process in my own head. However, I do owe an update so alas here I am.

The winter slump hit big time, between snowpocalypse 2008, Christmas/holidays and other factors my depression/season affective has for sure been present. Of course good times happened including a great night of "pet sitting" with Roosia, various holiday gatherings and a new start to 2009. Lots of new.

2009 is all about new habits and focusing on self improvement. Each week, Denae and I meet, assess our goals- what we've accomplished and how we can build upon the past week. I had thought about posting my list of goals for the year but decided I didn't want to publically proclaim them. My focus is financial stability- controlling my budget and spending utlizing mint.com which actually has been great, getting back in shape- I've slacked the past few months and other various "action" items related to overall health. I have to say I'm pretty proud of what I've done so far- last week I went to the gym 6x! My eating is also healthier- eating more fruits and veggies, less processed food, as always working out and eating go hand in hand. I still have some health issues I need to deal with, but baby steps. I am getting better about taking my daily vitamins and drinking more water. I'm also starting to think about long term goals- the steps I need to take to make them a reality.

I just realized none of my goals relate to my food blog, which has also been abandoned. I miss writing. I have to remember what the palm reader told me- big things- keep writing. Writing is cathartic.

I have a cold right now that I am trying to get rid of so I am uber healthy for my Austin trip. I can't wait to get there- soak up the sun- go hiking, spend time with Urs and the girls, eat great food and relax. We are even going out on 6th street and I have a HOT date for Vday! I have so much I am looking forward to in the next few months- my annual spring break trip with a mini stop to Maxi land, staying in shape, finally hopefully getting an iphone, continuing to establish my life here in Seattle, growing professionally as a manager and most of all keeping a positive attitude.

Quiet

Learn To Be Quiet

Franz Kafka

You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. I read this tonight and it really had an impact. With the snow and the holidays, there's too much quiet around me, but I don't know how to handle the quiet- I find fillers, I get antsy, depression creeps its ugly face into my life. I struggle most with the silence in my life. The moments home alone, time that I'm not talking to friends, I think last night I literally interacted with over 20 people in the course of 2 hours, I couldn't stand to "be alone." Rather then dwell on these words, I am going to read them, think about them and reflect.

Ticket for One

I'm single. I'm not lonely, I hate men and the world single. Rather I have a fabulous group of friends both couples and other single ladies, my life is rich with those who care about me as a person, support me through challenges and challenge me and celebrate good fortune. I really cannot complain. However, two events this past week felt like single was red level alert.

The work holiday party is next Sunday. I'm bringing M, he's kind enough to endure a few hours with my co-workers, the ones he hears "stories" about on a regular basis. Yes, he's my crutch to get through, especially in a room filled with co-workers with their spouses. This week my boss asked me to confirm who is coming etc so he can get the final head count, I said, I assume find out who is bringing a guest. To which he responds, well its really intended for people to bring spouses or a significant other. Part of me was shocked and part infuriated. He explained tha itt is not a "boozer" to bring just anyone, rather an intimate gathering to share with those who are special to us. After listening to him, I said well I had planned on bringing Michael, is that ok? Yes because he's "special" to you. After a few e-mails with the other singles in the office who responded to my awkward e-mail, the singleites were a bit infuriated. First of all it's discriminatory, last time I checked you can't discriminate against marital status in the workplace. Second, I can damn well bring whoever I want to the party. If I wanted to bring a friend, then I should be able to, its my choice. M said the party situation reminded him of the SATC episode in which Carrie's shoes are stolen at a party, it was her "choice" to buy $500 shoes, yet the numerous gifts she had bought for said friend, those were life events she was supporting. My "choice" to be single at work now seperates me from my other co-workers. N said that in previous years she has brought friends, her brother to work events, wanting to share the occasion with them, that she is always invited to bring a guest.

Last night Jaxon hosted people for the holiday dinner, over 50 people were attending. I walk in the door, you either take a single ticket or a couple ticket. Great, I'm being "singled out" for being single again. I went straight for the wine and said hello to those who were already there. Finally it was time for dinner. I have to say, I was impressed how he handle this, people were mixed up, a few couples per table, mixed with singles. A couple of single girls had made themselves a couple so they could sit together. I ended up at a table with a few friends and a few new people. Sadly I didn't end up talking tot he two cute guys I spotted, one was at my table rather I did mostly converse with those I knew. One of the things I'm grateful for is that many of our couple friends are not clingy rather they operate seperately at events, you'll find them sitting apart, conversing with others and enjoying the good company of friends.

Am I single by choice? I don't actually know. My immediate reaction is to say no. But honestly, its yes. I could pick up just "any" guy but rather I won't settle for less for true dating. I've slept/dated with not the best people in the past, but I would never refer to them as a boyfriend. Rather I partially like a pretty independent life. Yes, there are few I heavily depend on and without them I might be more likely to seek out a boyfriend. The holidays seem to heighten the feeling of being alone. But I don't feel alone. I have friends, wonderful people. Sometimes in the morning, I snuggle in bed under the covers with the kitties wishing there was a warm manly body next to me. My fresh shaven leggs, with that silky feeling would be more appreciated by a boy. Last night I had to dust off the cobwebs on my razors so I could wear a dress sans leggings or fishnets which I've been wearing recently for warmth of course. I have to remind myself, I'm only 26, I have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right and according to the psychic, when I do, it will be incredible. But for now, I have to remind myself, I am single by choice and its not a bad thing.

Interior Transformation

It's Saturday, but I'm awake at 7:30am, how ironic that most mornings it takes the jaws of life to get me out of bed yet this am I could easily jump out of bed. I am the kid on Christmas day. My brain is on one single track that plays over and over and over. Last week I brought together 4 wonderful ladies and tasked them with arduous endeavor of redecorating motel 6. In preparation, I laundered piles and piles of clothes, cleaned- still more cleaning to be done, doesn't quite "sparkle" the way I want. Noelle arrived with a poster of inspiration- things that represent Lorraine. Denae and I worked on our own personal weekly goals, evaluating the success of previous weeks, I was on track with the home stuff, off track with eating. Natasha and S, they arrived with a mission. We first brainstormed- what I needed, how my place should reflect me and most of all that is was not necessary for me to check out quite yet rather revamp my living space to bring peace to my inner core. My hand me downs and Craigslist finds were good, but lacked a cohesive style. The first step was we re-arranged the living room, cleared out old boxes from QA and did some adjusting in the bedroom. Quickly the yin and the yang of my apartment changed- my bed now framed by both side tables/lamps that I love looks inviting. The living room now flows into the kitchen, for an open feel and ease of entertaining.

Step Two. S and N both started to send a multitude of e-mails, CL finds- new furniture, fun accents from Etsy (my new favorite site)- including an incredible find of a $350 Ikea Armoire for $75 to hide my television. S- with her lack of inertia for work, picked paint samples, tirelessly throughout the week sending me links and suggestions. Today was planned as decorate/paint day. Yesterday got the formal go ahead from the landlord. Last night after working WAY too many hours this week, I decided to actually leave work at 5pm and a trip to Pier 1 was necessary. Still not feeling completely confident in the plan for today, I needed some direction, so I asked S to come. We wandered, found the cross I liked (yes, I am hanging a cross in my apartment!) then we looked at curtains, pillows and other various accents. Found a lamp that I love for an affordable price. Next, Target (Targe). The vision came together. Not going to make the grand reveal yet, that is saved for pictures later tonight. The crew is coming over today to help transform (minus N- she will have to wait for the grand finale).

There is the big Prop 8 march today- my heart is there, but today my brain is on other things. I in complete solidarity support the repeal however I don't think I am going. I want to make another trip to Target to possibly pick up a lamp, Crate and Barrel and other last minute details to prepare for today (already have the wine!). Cycling is in an hour, I should get out of bed and go. However, I think I will clear out the garbage, get the cooler in the car and do other tasks to really prep for today. I feel like once this task is complete I can focus on working out again (and new headphones since the cat chewed on mine leaving me with one less earbud).

Don't Stop Believing

My alarm went off yesterday, but I didn't need the annoying beep that I dread daily. I quickly got dressed and left my apartment. I was a woman on a mission. I drove to Coe Elem. which is right behind the old QA apartment. I had my voters registration card in my purse. Ready. In front of me I hear 610 1/2 W. McGraw... its tweet tweet. I say hi. She says come sit next to me. I get my official ballot. I start to fill it. I've never done this before. I have a confession. It's actually my first time voting ever. In the past, I thought, oh we'll win, or neglected to register. This year was different. I wanted to caucus. And now, the day is here. I actually started to put X's through the circles, no I needed to fill them in completely (Thanks Robyn). I was done. Pretty easy. Exhilerating. The Rush of knowing I had the power to make a change. Pretty cool. Proudly wearing my "I voted" sticker we had coffee- she filled me in on the gossip of the new neighbors.

I headed to work. Hopeful, neverous my emotions were stronger than expected. I already planned to go to Babeland for my free silver bullett at lunch. I tasked Kyle to watch the election results. Hour by hour my attention span faded, wanting to grab my champagne from the fridge and head to the Westin. 5pm hit, I was ready. Checked Cnn- McCain 8, Obama 3. It's early. I meet Deb for some drinks, we are gaining ground, I can already feel the momentum gaining. Obama gaining more and more electoral votes. I think he's going to do this. Happiness exuding from my pores. We get on the SLUT (just realized it was my first SLUT ride) to the Westin. Head to Jaxon's suite. Everyone is there. And the night went from there, we celebrated. We laughed. Victory was close. Finally it was time to head to the main ballroom. The room was packed. I had grabbed a celebratory glass of champagne just in case. We pick a spot. Rick Steves spotted in front of us... hot damn! And then its announced. Ohio. The election is ours. We did it. I scream, feeling happier than I've ever felt before. Fists in the air, yelling our motto "YES WE CAN." Our hell of the last 8 years is over. We made history- the first African American president. Obama is the man. Wow... I'm speachless. The energy and emotion in the room is indescribable. We make phone calls, texts start coming through, oh my god... its really happening.

We return to the suite to watch his acceptance speach at Grant Park. Crazy. I'm on the 39th floor of the Westin hotel celebrating with some of the most incredible people I know. I'm over-joyed. Adrenaline rush through my veins. It's happened. McCain surrenders. No more worries of Prez. Palin- which now has come out that the Mavericks barely spoke to each other. Not sure what he was thinking, but for sure a recipe for failure. We continue to party. I make some blue drink that is pure alcohol. I'm golden for the rest of the night. We party like rock stars. I accost Rick Steves. We visit several parties. My first spiritual political experience was the March for Women's Lives in 2004, this was a million times better. My country just voted for a political leader I believe in, not just anyone, the man that gives me chills and makes my heart tingle. He believes in equality. He supports choice. His wife is awesome. And most of all, he believes in the power of his country not in the scary way of Bush, rather our power to change, celebrate our freedom. I finally leave the Westin at 3am. The lastest I've stayed out in a long time. Still a bit drunk with my bottle of CMS red I stole from Gregoire's party- oh yeah, we ended up in one of her parties.

Wednesday was the morning after. Just like the first time you have really hot sex with someone, the glow remains and you are on top of the world. We had come together as a country. My hangover loomed, it was going to be a rough day, but 100% worth it. A friend recently compared Nov. 5 to post 9-11, but the opposite. Stories of people hugging each other in the streets, yelling yes we can. A friend told me about people on his bus celebrating. Rosa Parks would be proud. Last I watched videos, read blogs, our nation rejoiced. Neighbors in Capitol Hill played Don't Stop Believing. The song, the crowd pretty much sums up how I felt.

We have a long ways to go. Prop 8 still looms. Schools to fix. States that voted against gay couples adopting. States that continue to pass anti-choice measures. However, we have a President elect who supports gay marriage (civil unions), pro-choice measures, comprehensive sex education, preserving our planet, and tax cuts for the average working american. I plan to go to church this Sunday, to give thanks for bring change and hope to our nation.

Running

I finally did it, i put on my running shoes and went out for a run. The streets are covered with leaves, but I persevered. I think I ran for about 40 minutes, well actually ran/walk. My heart rate was up for sure. I stopped back by M's house for a drink of water then kept going. On my journey I saw several walks of shame, people out with their children, couples drinking coffee on their porches and the condom I almost stepped on. Plus remnants of last night- pieces of Halloween costumes that were abandoned by partiers, candy wrappers, empty beer cans and of course many jack o'laterns decaying on steps. 

The fresh air is rejuvenating. The air is crisp. More importantly it is quiet. I sometimes forget that I don't like the city. I'm like those yin yang cookies, half of me is white chocolate and half is dark chocolate. Part of me loves the city, the urban lifestyle- the restaurants, the happy hours and the constant flow of people. Yet the other half thrives on trees, smaller communities, being by the water and a less complicated way of life. Then there's the part that wants the bigger change. Austin is still very much so on the brain. I have quite a bit on my plate right now, I'm working longer hours, I still want to be in better shape physically and I am in the process of making home home. I hit a low this past month. I was hiding from myself and others. I found myself trying to find comfort in food- eating badly and still feeling empty. I neglected the gym, made excuses why I couldn't go- I was still slightly sick, I had to do stuff at home (which I never really never ended up doing) and I wouldn't pack my stuff. A friend put a challenge on- we both set goals and I'm trying to get back on track. I need to motivate myself. Remind myself how good I feel when I eat better, workout and keep a well rounded life. I tried this dating website, not entirely happy with the experience, then like so many other things in my life abandoned it when bored.  I see a pattern, but not quite sure how to overcome it in my life- counseling? Drugs? More journaling/writing? All of the above?