Challenges

What makes us challenge ourselves? What drives the inner challenges we face, overcome and often avoid. A friend commented that my desire to work hard, overcome or move forward is fear of loss. I sometimes wonder what really drives me? Is it wanting to succeed? Or am I a follower?

Tonight I had my first ever personal training session, rather "fitness orientation" at my gym, aka we are going to try to sell you on personal training. As the cute trainer, asked me questions about my overall health, eating, workout routine and personal health/fitness goals, I found myself candidly answering his questions. Why do I use the treadmill, well the thinner/more fit people do so that's why I switched. Do I stretch, no. Have I focused on strength training this past year, no. Part of me knew, there was no hiding from the truth. Sometimes I do well- take the vitamins, drink water, eat healthy and work out on a regular basis and other moments, I have beer, eat the basket of chips and my workout bag remains untouched. Yes, I want to lose 20lbs, 10 by March 20. Of course that is an attainable goal, let me tell you how we can do this, he laid out a plan, all for $480 for 6 sessions, yeah right. He gave me a few good hints about why I hadn't been toning the way I wanted/flattening my stomach, no more using weight machines rather I had to use my own strength, stability and balance, that means working harder. Stretching. Must do it to tone. Cardio was ok. Honestly, if I stick with my workouts, eat healthy (and regularly) and get enough sleep, I can lose the 10lbs on my own. It's challenge. I know that, would I prefer to have the cute flirtatious personal trainer cheer me on, yes, but realistically it is not within my budget. For a (very) brief moment, I thought oh I can charge it, but M and Mint started screaming NO, my head quickly went back to reality. I did after all just commit to a more expensive phone, can't add more expenses when I am trying to consolidate. I need to find the happy medium- liking my body, my size and most of all total health.

And then there's dating. I achieved my goal for January. I am starting to recognize patterns. A candid conversation with Lyz and Michael made me realize a few valid points- no more introverts. Online dating, why are they online? Well they don't have the full rich life. M said, you know I was happy single, his comment resonated in my own life as well, was/am I truly unhappy single? What is wrong with living a rich and full life? A few things- intimacy, we can all "please" ourselves, but we can't be intimate in that way with ourselves, rather the closeness we feel with a partner is what is truly lacking in my life. More than weight loss and personal health, this is going to be my greatest challenge. Finding that person who makes me happy, who makes my stomach flutter and most all treats me like gold. I already have wonderful people who I can talk to, friends who support me- some 5 minutes away, (a short) 85 miles and others hundreds, but all integral parts of my life. We talk on the phone, twitter, e-mail, text and Facebook. I cherish them, I really do and made me realize I couldn't let a mediocre person replace what I already had, wanting something rather than nothing. Many times, I do have to remind myself, I am only 26 (which I had to think about for a moment at the gym today when asked my age).

Personal interests- where do I challenge myself? This weekend I wanted to conquer a mini fear, something I hadn't done in years. With Michael's patience and support, we started the process. My calves are a bit bruised, but that's OK. In a few weeks when I go back up to Bellingham, we'll pick up where we left off. I shy away from what scares me. It's automatic. I hold back. Fear? Not wanting to get hurt mostly. I love travel, every year I say I want to go to Italy, but it hasn't happened yet. I went to Austin last weekend, Florida in a month, Sasquatch in May, possibly San Fran this summer for M's graduation and then Austin again for ACL. I've figured out how to do the weekend trips, yet part of me yearns for something grander, longer and out of the country. Why have I not challenged myself to make this happen? I started the process of decorating my apartment, that too lingers with so much more that could be done- the kitchen, my bedroom and adding more picture frames in the hallway. Oh and Pradabelle, only a 55, she needs to work on getting to 70, I know it's silly, but It's a big goal.

Professionally? Almost 3 years later, I am still at RH Pink. It feels different though. I am finally starting to embrace my roll at the company, make it my own. I actually feel content, I'm not looking for more, wishing things were different. I see challenge in my job, not disdain. I know where I want to be- breaking the glass ceiling, working in a corporate setting, it will come but for now I need to conquer my own personal career challenges, establish myself as a manager and find peace in my career path. I finally have a professional mentor/boss, it's not a bad thing.

Many of these thoughts have been floating around in my head recently. I wanted to blog about them, but the context was missing. Tonight it finally came together, challenge. Keeping my eye on the prize and breaking out of my mold while holding true to myself. I can do this. I have the energy within in me. My December slump aka winter depression is officially over. Our country overcame huge challenges this past year while embarking on a new era with momentous challenges ahead. The new tag line, yes we can seems almost applicable to so many facets that I need to remind myself the slogan of 2008 each time I find an excuse as to why I can't.