I'm sitting in my car under the carport, avoiding going home to the mess of my apartment, part of me thinks if I avoid long enough then I can just go have beers with chuck. Tears so badly wanting to come out. I've pretty much resolved that I'll be alone forever. It's me against the world. It's been a rough start to the year. I'm doubting so much in my life. And people. Ones you thought were there for you, not so much. High school stuff is back. I'm tired and done. The tiredness, it's killing me right now, wake up early, cats waking me up in the middle of the night, not really sleeping, repeat. I desperately need a break. From everything. Turn my brain off for just a moment. Turn everything off. There are moments I dream of another life, no Rh brown, no Seattle, no body issues, nothing. Peace and quiet
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Happiness Project
I feel a new chapter opening up in my life. It's called the Happiness Project. N recently has me reading my horoscope, not one of those cheesy ones telling me I will meet the love of my life on the 14th, rather one more about patterns and insight, resulting in reflection. Hers has been spot on this year in respect to her love life. Until now, I was a bit unsure about mine. I understood the general direction, but unclear as to the exact attributes. Obviously travel and exploration seem to play an integral in my life right now with an impending trip to France this fall.
This evening I met with four other women who throughout this journey will remain anonymous. Tonight we talked about some of our individual goals and aspirations. I feel really good about this group. Tonight I learned more about some personally than I knew. Friendships have the opportunity to grow, support and accountability. Within our conversation I realized a few things about myself. The first step is to read the book- well I joked, I've had it for 25 days and I haven't really touched it beyond browsing, getting a sense of the ideas, the purpose. I brought forth a few goals and aspirations for this year, well for myself. Others have similar intentions.
Looking forward to moving forward to the next step, opening a new phase of my life and finding my own personal happiness.
This evening I met with four other women who throughout this journey will remain anonymous. Tonight we talked about some of our individual goals and aspirations. I feel really good about this group. Tonight I learned more about some personally than I knew. Friendships have the opportunity to grow, support and accountability. Within our conversation I realized a few things about myself. The first step is to read the book- well I joked, I've had it for 25 days and I haven't really touched it beyond browsing, getting a sense of the ideas, the purpose. I brought forth a few goals and aspirations for this year, well for myself. Others have similar intentions.
Looking forward to moving forward to the next step, opening a new phase of my life and finding my own personal happiness.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Finding Love
It's not technically Valentines Day as it is now 12:03, February 15. Regardless, I am writing about love. Tonight I logged into OkCupid, the cheap/free dating site I pretty much abandoned a year ago, maybe it was shingles who left the bitter taste in my mouth or rather the abundance of trolls on the site. I checked messages I've dutifully ignored, one from a gentleman using the wrong tense of there with multiple mis-spelled words on his profile, delete and a handful of other losers. Literally. I won't lie, part of me thinks that some day when I least expect it I'll meet my "Danny" as Shauna did, but realistically for a site I put next to no effort into I shouldn't have such expectations.
My love life can be described as silent. Not uncharastic for me. Not even a humm. Last year I was sort of dating shingles boy, we didn't talk on Vday, the relationship had already faded. My interest had dwindled. After that was my PBR night, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I sort of see myself as perpetually single. It's funny I have a difficult time imagining myself in a relationship. I'm oddly happy in my single state. Still attempting to love myself.
Do I believe in love? I am not entirely sure. I know the love I feel for friends, my kitties, the joys in life and my family. Does love exist? I guess. Valentines Day all the professing of love seems to come out of the woodwork. People tweet about their significant others, friends and families. It seems the holiday has morphed, many stating that they don't acknowledge the holiday because of the many years they spent hating the holiday when they were single. Ironically I don't have valentines day. In the past I did. Today, was just another day. Brunch with S, stopped by the Disc Center to see N, movie with R & M (plus Mr. C) and now I'm up thinking about things (which is ok because I don't have to work tomorrow).
Walking to my car from the movie, Myra and I spotted a leg belonging to a barbie doll in the parking lot. I immediately recognized the leg. A few hours later I am wasting time on Facebook, I happen to look at my childhood friend's profile who I spent countless hours playing barbies with, she's engaged. Many moons ago if you had asked, undoubtly we'd be each others maids of honor, today we are strangers. That barbie leg however was a connection, we even had a room dedicated to such play. So many times we had the barbies walk "down the aisle," I believe I even had a wedding dress. Developmentally I didn't quite grasp the concept of love. Here and now I turly wonder how much I have progressed.
My free will astrology horoscope says this:
In my view, 2010 is the year you should expand your world. That could mean enlarging your circle of allies or building a bigger web of connections. It might mean broadening your appeal or widening your frame of reference or opening your mind to possibilities you've been closed to. It may even involve extending your territory or increasing the range of your travels. However you choose to expand, Taurus, I urge you to put love at the heart of your efforts. Love should be the fuel that motivates you and the reference point that ensures you're always making smart moves. For inspiration, memorize this line by poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." In your case, Taurus, "thee" should mean the whole world. Happy Valentine Daze!
Interesting that it's not about loving someone else or a romantic relationship, rather loving myself and the world. Travel- increasing the range of my travels. France. It's where my heart is right now. So much so I am having a difficult time focusing on the here and now.
And this statement, has me thinking about love:
My Taurus friend Jill had a dream in which she stopped by a blackberry bush on a summer afternoon. All the ripe blackberries were too high on the bush, just out of reach. She stood there gazing longingly up at them for a long time. Finally three people in medieval garb came by, as if having stepped out of a deck of Tarot cards -- a warrior, magician, and priestess. "I really want those blackberries," she said to them. "Could you give me a boost?" They stooped down to make their backs available. She climbed up, but still couldn't reach the berries. "Oh well, we tried," she said. "Follow us," said the priestess, and she did. After a while they came to another bush whose blackberries were lower and easy to pluck. Then the four shared the feast. After analyzing the omens for 2010, Taurus, I've come to the conclusion that Jill's dream is an apt metaphor for your best possible destiny in 2010.
My love life can be described as silent. Not uncharastic for me. Not even a humm. Last year I was sort of dating shingles boy, we didn't talk on Vday, the relationship had already faded. My interest had dwindled. After that was my PBR night, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I sort of see myself as perpetually single. It's funny I have a difficult time imagining myself in a relationship. I'm oddly happy in my single state. Still attempting to love myself.
Do I believe in love? I am not entirely sure. I know the love I feel for friends, my kitties, the joys in life and my family. Does love exist? I guess. Valentines Day all the professing of love seems to come out of the woodwork. People tweet about their significant others, friends and families. It seems the holiday has morphed, many stating that they don't acknowledge the holiday because of the many years they spent hating the holiday when they were single. Ironically I don't have valentines day. In the past I did. Today, was just another day. Brunch with S, stopped by the Disc Center to see N, movie with R & M (plus Mr. C) and now I'm up thinking about things (which is ok because I don't have to work tomorrow).
Walking to my car from the movie, Myra and I spotted a leg belonging to a barbie doll in the parking lot. I immediately recognized the leg. A few hours later I am wasting time on Facebook, I happen to look at my childhood friend's profile who I spent countless hours playing barbies with, she's engaged. Many moons ago if you had asked, undoubtly we'd be each others maids of honor, today we are strangers. That barbie leg however was a connection, we even had a room dedicated to such play. So many times we had the barbies walk "down the aisle," I believe I even had a wedding dress. Developmentally I didn't quite grasp the concept of love. Here and now I turly wonder how much I have progressed.
My free will astrology horoscope says this:
In my view, 2010 is the year you should expand your world. That could mean enlarging your circle of allies or building a bigger web of connections. It might mean broadening your appeal or widening your frame of reference or opening your mind to possibilities you've been closed to. It may even involve extending your territory or increasing the range of your travels. However you choose to expand, Taurus, I urge you to put love at the heart of your efforts. Love should be the fuel that motivates you and the reference point that ensures you're always making smart moves. For inspiration, memorize this line by poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." In your case, Taurus, "thee" should mean the whole world. Happy Valentine Daze!
Interesting that it's not about loving someone else or a romantic relationship, rather loving myself and the world. Travel- increasing the range of my travels. France. It's where my heart is right now. So much so I am having a difficult time focusing on the here and now.
And this statement, has me thinking about love:
My Taurus friend Jill had a dream in which she stopped by a blackberry bush on a summer afternoon. All the ripe blackberries were too high on the bush, just out of reach. She stood there gazing longingly up at them for a long time. Finally three people in medieval garb came by, as if having stepped out of a deck of Tarot cards -- a warrior, magician, and priestess. "I really want those blackberries," she said to them. "Could you give me a boost?" They stooped down to make their backs available. She climbed up, but still couldn't reach the berries. "Oh well, we tried," she said. "Follow us," said the priestess, and she did. After a while they came to another bush whose blackberries were lower and easy to pluck. Then the four shared the feast. After analyzing the omens for 2010, Taurus, I've come to the conclusion that Jill's dream is an apt metaphor for your best possible destiny in 2010.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Framing My Life
A year ago my focus was cultivating motel 6, slowly I lost that focus with other aspects of my life, routines faded finding myself "filling" my time. Something changed recently, my urge to find peace, but mostly expression in my home. The reality of growing up hit hard. Thirty is getting closer & closer. My fairy tale image of what my life should be is not. Does that mean I cannot have a home, no.
Last night, I intentionally hosted a dinner party, invested in a game and bought bottles of wine. Above my bed is a chandelier decal, slighty swinging, I'm hanging pictures, art and focusing on maintaining peace in my living space. It's not always about perfection, I am reminded of this daily. I am OCD, not the anal cleaner type, but the one who says if it's not perfect then why try. Breaking down that thought proccess is difficult. I know I have wonderful friends who help make my home a home, that the popcorn ceilings don't matter & I deserve to make myself a good meal.
Last night, I intentionally hosted a dinner party, invested in a game and bought bottles of wine. Above my bed is a chandelier decal, slighty swinging, I'm hanging pictures, art and focusing on maintaining peace in my living space. It's not always about perfection, I am reminded of this daily. I am OCD, not the anal cleaner type, but the one who says if it's not perfect then why try. Breaking down that thought proccess is difficult. I know I have wonderful friends who help make my home a home, that the popcorn ceilings don't matter & I deserve to make myself a good meal.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Worlds Collide
Tonight my friend invited me over to watch a silly girly movie. We gathered at her home, she had invited some new people. I walk in, introduce myself. I notice someone, she looks oddly familiar, immediately she comments. I rack my brain but can't figure it out. We watch the movie, then chat, learn more about each other. One girl brought homemade pickled green beans picked from her garden. Another leftover holiday desserts. Simple.
Finally I ask familiar looking girl, did you go to college around here. Yes, she replies. UPS? Yup. We graduated the same year. We had Women and Global Inequality together my junior year. My favorite class in college with my favorite professor. Yes, that's why she looks familiar.
Funny how the universe brings us together. A dear friend I met via Twitter, invited another person she wanted to get to know more via Twitter. Our lives connect. The world is smaller than we think. Communities collide. Each day mine grows. The roots spreading farther and farther, making more connections. Sometimes intentional.
I'm thankful for my roots growing. They support me. Some older, stronger. Others still young, fresh, but equally important.
Finally I ask familiar looking girl, did you go to college around here. Yes, she replies. UPS? Yup. We graduated the same year. We had Women and Global Inequality together my junior year. My favorite class in college with my favorite professor. Yes, that's why she looks familiar.
Funny how the universe brings us together. A dear friend I met via Twitter, invited another person she wanted to get to know more via Twitter. Our lives connect. The world is smaller than we think. Communities collide. Each day mine grows. The roots spreading farther and farther, making more connections. Sometimes intentional.
I'm thankful for my roots growing. They support me. Some older, stronger. Others still young, fresh, but equally important.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friendship
Bright and early a text appeared on my phone, from D saying guess who just landed on US soil, I jumped for joy, she's back. A month ago she left for an epic trip to Australia. Hearing her voice on the phone was so familiar, I could talk to her for hours, just like that, no time had passed yet so much had happened in our lives.
A similar experience Sunday evening. Celebrating S's birthday, we shared mac n cheese, champagne & cupcakes, her favorites. Sitting on the couch conversing, S, Nora & N., I thought wow, I've really missed these ladies. I can see new people a thousand times, but there's nothing like a true friend. S busy with the election, N playing more soccer & nesting with J and me discovering a new world, our lives converging less and less, but that's ok, as N says. Two years ago, these ladies weren't in my life. I was struggling to find my place in Seattle, friends to call my own. Our friendship has grown. I'm extremely thankful for them. We share each others journey- jobs, boyfriends and passions.
I still continue to build my network. Food friends becoming real friends. Learning more about each others lives, sharing. Joking today with M that some are now even more real, we are Gchat friends, ha!
Thankful for the old and new. And yes, sometimes a bit of distance reminds us how much we do care.
A similar experience Sunday evening. Celebrating S's birthday, we shared mac n cheese, champagne & cupcakes, her favorites. Sitting on the couch conversing, S, Nora & N., I thought wow, I've really missed these ladies. I can see new people a thousand times, but there's nothing like a true friend. S busy with the election, N playing more soccer & nesting with J and me discovering a new world, our lives converging less and less, but that's ok, as N says. Two years ago, these ladies weren't in my life. I was struggling to find my place in Seattle, friends to call my own. Our friendship has grown. I'm extremely thankful for them. We share each others journey- jobs, boyfriends and passions.
I still continue to build my network. Food friends becoming real friends. Learning more about each others lives, sharing. Joking today with M that some are now even more real, we are Gchat friends, ha!
Thankful for the old and new. And yes, sometimes a bit of distance reminds us how much we do care.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
waiting
I'm early for once, well actually instead of going home I decided to come straight to dinner spot. I can smell the pizza from the street. This is my life, sometimes I want to shake myself, is it real. How did I get so lucky.
I'm watching a little girl have a meltdown. All too often in my head I'm throwing the tantrum. On a side note, how cute they speak French! I digress. I need to learn to verbalize my feelings & emotions. Stand up for myself. Not a hard concept. Ardous. The wall prevents the words, instead they sputter, the fauwcet is dry.
Take more risks. Explore. Embrace. Live by my advice. Oh and continue to find myself.
I'm watching a little girl have a meltdown. All too often in my head I'm throwing the tantrum. On a side note, how cute they speak French! I digress. I need to learn to verbalize my feelings & emotions. Stand up for myself. Not a hard concept. Ardous. The wall prevents the words, instead they sputter, the fauwcet is dry.
Take more risks. Explore. Embrace. Live by my advice. Oh and continue to find myself.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wasn't What I Was Looking For
They say you meet "someone" when you aren't looking necessarily, but what if it isn't a someone rather a new life. A few months ago I wrote about discontent, wanting change feeling a disconnect with the city. Something changed, honestly until recently I wasn't aware of this, instead it slowly developed. My seasonal affective problems of course are lessened with this absolutely beautiful summer filled with sunny days. Truthfully it wasn't the sun. I found passion in my life.
For the past two years my focus has been food, but not in a good way. I was depriving myself of something I loved. I focused on counting calories, food became the evil negative. If you asked me what my passions are, whole heartily I would answer first, food. Like Julia Child who when asked what she liked to do, she responded, "eat!" In May I joined Twitter again. Inspired by Karianne who connected to the social media/PR world, I decided to explore the food community. Little did I know how quickly this world would explode for me, finding others who shared the same zeal for all things food related. My days are filled with conversing with people who get excited about talking about pies (including the best leaf lard), where to find the best DimSum, the bounty of the season, foraging the farmers markets and eating out at restaurants. Food professionals, writers, bloggers and other enthusiasts like myself are constantly sharing stories, attending food related events (talking more about food!) and planning diners out together. Some are becoming true friends. I'm enamoured and most of all, content. I'm not looking externally for happiness. The creative side in me is being tapped again.
Not to say I still don't cherish my existing friends, although I see them less often, but I'm learning to realize that's OK. Managing my time is a bit harder. My community continues to build in Seattle and why would I want to leave this and start all over? I'm experiencing a new part of the city rather than observing from afar. As for dating, I am confident I fill find Mr. Right at the right time. No longer do I spend time online looking for that person, rather I want to find someone who experiences the world at large along with me. I appreciate those who have stood by me, challenged me and continue support me the past two years, allowing me to grow into who I am becoming. More and more I realize how different I am from the Lorraine who I used to know. I had to let some people in my life go, those who bring me down rather than up.
I look forward to what the future brings. If you asked me in October what I would be doing in a year, I probably wouldn't have predicted this. I went to a Halloween party for a reason, the palm reader was more right than I'll ever know. I kinda want to track him down and see what he has to say now.
For the past two years my focus has been food, but not in a good way. I was depriving myself of something I loved. I focused on counting calories, food became the evil negative. If you asked me what my passions are, whole heartily I would answer first, food. Like Julia Child who when asked what she liked to do, she responded, "eat!" In May I joined Twitter again. Inspired by Karianne who connected to the social media/PR world, I decided to explore the food community. Little did I know how quickly this world would explode for me, finding others who shared the same zeal for all things food related. My days are filled with conversing with people who get excited about talking about pies (including the best leaf lard), where to find the best DimSum, the bounty of the season, foraging the farmers markets and eating out at restaurants. Food professionals, writers, bloggers and other enthusiasts like myself are constantly sharing stories, attending food related events (talking more about food!) and planning diners out together. Some are becoming true friends. I'm enamoured and most of all, content. I'm not looking externally for happiness. The creative side in me is being tapped again.
Not to say I still don't cherish my existing friends, although I see them less often, but I'm learning to realize that's OK. Managing my time is a bit harder. My community continues to build in Seattle and why would I want to leave this and start all over? I'm experiencing a new part of the city rather than observing from afar. As for dating, I am confident I fill find Mr. Right at the right time. No longer do I spend time online looking for that person, rather I want to find someone who experiences the world at large along with me. I appreciate those who have stood by me, challenged me and continue support me the past two years, allowing me to grow into who I am becoming. More and more I realize how different I am from the Lorraine who I used to know. I had to let some people in my life go, those who bring me down rather than up.
I look forward to what the future brings. If you asked me in October what I would be doing in a year, I probably wouldn't have predicted this. I went to a Halloween party for a reason, the palm reader was more right than I'll ever know. I kinda want to track him down and see what he has to say now.
Monday, July 20, 2009
thank you
First of all, I'm extremely happy because it's going to be sunny all week with a high of 92!!!
But most of all, the food blogging stuff is taking off, i'm having the time of my life, can't wait to see what it brings, really looking forward to upcoming months! Being mentioned today in a nationally known blog! Maybe I have to take what the palm reader said to heart, more to contribute, follow passions, and write! Check! Next, love?
Oh and I neeed to work out, my thighs are sore from the stairs at Coleman pool, alas I am hoping to do something active, might even swim again!
Looking forward to foodportunity wednesday!
But most of all, the food blogging stuff is taking off, i'm having the time of my life, can't wait to see what it brings, really looking forward to upcoming months! Being mentioned today in a nationally known blog! Maybe I have to take what the palm reader said to heart, more to contribute, follow passions, and write! Check! Next, love?
Oh and I neeed to work out, my thighs are sore from the stairs at Coleman pool, alas I am hoping to do something active, might even swim again!
Looking forward to foodportunity wednesday!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
staycation
I just realized I had a green staycation, I barely drove at all, instead utilized my feet, ferry, bus and a few car rides with others. Walked on the ferry to bainbridge, then mostly walked around the island, and finally for my journey back, taking the bus home. Most of all, it was extremely affordable after a week of splurging eating out.
My hosts Devon & Chaz, completely and totally fabulous. It was honestly one of my real 4th of july's in a long time, complete with an old fashion parade, BBQ & fireworks! Today we went to the Bloedel reserve, which was spectacular. We saw two bald eagles, impressive gardens, magnificant views and the weather was beautiful, moments like this remind me of my faith and how thankful I am of our world. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the island, which must include mora's and blackbird.
I have a hard time coming back to reality, rather I wish my summer vacation would continue. Luckily the 18 is slowly making it's way back to Ballard.
My hosts Devon & Chaz, completely and totally fabulous. It was honestly one of my real 4th of july's in a long time, complete with an old fashion parade, BBQ & fireworks! Today we went to the Bloedel reserve, which was spectacular. We saw two bald eagles, impressive gardens, magnificant views and the weather was beautiful, moments like this remind me of my faith and how thankful I am of our world. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the island, which must include mora's and blackbird.
I have a hard time coming back to reality, rather I wish my summer vacation would continue. Luckily the 18 is slowly making it's way back to Ballard.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
family
Family is what you make it, I realize this more and more, community is family. I had the honor of watching my best friend graduate from college, he's been through so much the past two years and has finally gotten the reward for all of his hard work. Most of all it makes me happy to see him make changes and following his dreams. Friday night we celebrated by making a special dinner and opening two nicer bottles of wine that we purchased over two years ago in walla walla. It was a bit surreal, interacting with his mom who never comes out, spening time together. The whole weekend was wonderful, celebrations, meeting people, it was community in action. I am very grateful for the amaxing people in my life. Congrats M!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
vacation
Enjoying sitting in a random bagel place, not having to cook my own food while improvising. Sasquatch was good, my favorite performance for sure was Bon ivar. Missed most of decemberist but from what I heard from afar solid music. Happy m got to experience the gorge, although we both came to the conclusion we were feeling a bit old. Camping has been mostly relaxing, went on an awesome hike pretty high up outside of leavenworth. It's our last full day, going to a lake and authentic Mexican in Wenatchee, haha just like the infamous labor day camping trip. Ok off the bat phone, back to vacation mode.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
finding inner peace
Wondering what's next. Really great day yesterday, seattle was hoping, sun out, the city felt alive, but maybe that's because I did. Realizing how lucky I am to have such great friends, my life is full, but days like yesterday make me think, do I belong in a place that days with the sun are more of a rarity? My own issues and problems will still follow me no matter where I go. I google mapped my walking route, 5 miles, easily walked, hoping to do more walking now that the sun is out. Should actually get up and out, walk for coffee before mother and mum get here. Now that depressive slump us over, want to account for health better, but wondering how. Especially with $445 in bills for the basic lab tests from last visit. Scheduled naturo path visit, but probably can't afford blood work. Stupid health system and insurance.
Want to continue to better myself, challenge thought patterns. Feel happy with myself and body, most of all enjoy life. Good things coming up, Sasquatch and camping, hopefully a nice hike, weather seems promising. And another opportunity to see live music, discover new bands plus spend time with M especially if he leaves to pursue his passions finally.
Ok need to get up, no more stream of consciousness. Uh oh kitty coming to cuddle, must resist!
Want to continue to better myself, challenge thought patterns. Feel happy with myself and body, most of all enjoy life. Good things coming up, Sasquatch and camping, hopefully a nice hike, weather seems promising. And another opportunity to see live music, discover new bands plus spend time with M especially if he leaves to pursue his passions finally.
Ok need to get up, no more stream of consciousness. Uh oh kitty coming to cuddle, must resist!
Friday, April 24, 2009
train
On train headed to Portland for a girls weekend. Looking forward to the weekend away after a stressful day at the office. Thinking about lots of things. Thankful for friends who inspire and challenge me. Great birthday night out last night with shots and laughs! Oh and wine on the train rocks!
Mobile Blogging from here.
Mobile Blogging from here.
Monday, March 30, 2009
leaving on a jet plane
On my way back to Seattle, kinda miss home, but not looking forward to colder weather. Didn't really think much about work, good to seperate for a bit. Wish I could of spent more time with my dad.
Mobile Blogging from here.
Mobile Blogging from here.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
living in the moment
Today was a perfect day at the beach. My dad's girlfriend has a sister who lives on the beach, she was kind enough to let us use their salt water pool and private beach. At first I had a hard time relaxing, but finally I put away the phone and took in the sun, the fresh air and found that pieceful spot, layers off stress being released. The best part was riding the waves in the gulf, letting go, and really truly living in the moment. Unfortunately it made us late for dinner, which didn't go over so well. I'm going to do a 24 hours free of technology, that means no computer and iPhone, starting tomorrow. I think it will make both michael and I appreciate vacation more and enjoy our beautiful surroundings.
I'm starting to really believe my time in Seattle is over, it's time for a change.
I'm starting to really believe my time in Seattle is over, it's time for a change.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
blogging via iPhone
Trying this out, would like to be able to blog via phone. Might go watch a movie in a bit. Loving the sun today and of course the beach.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Better?
Finally in Florida. Not too bad flights via Charlotte, NC (aka CLT). I'm starting to finally relax. No more chaos. I have my own bed, room and bathroom (well shared with M). I'm happy to see my Dad and Joan. It feels peaceful here. No cat meowing at the door, husband singing watch the monkey dance and being sprayed with water while sleeping on the floor in the living room. Rather we were greeted with take out chinese, air conditioning and most of all sun. I'm grateful for Jamie and her hospitality, but I think next time things will be different. We had a great last night with "date night" at the bowling alley, however due to the amount of wine, little sleep was had by all. I'm hoping things are ok there...... I want her to be happy.
Now, its time for beach and sun. Trying to plan a mini-getaway while here, but its snowbird season so everything within a reasonable driving distance is over $150 a night, not exactly within budget. I want to make the most of our time here, relax, still need to figure out how to do that, I'm still in city mode. I have a few books, I want to read, actually I should pull one out instead being on this stupid thing. Maybe watch a few movies, my Dad just got a kickass 52" HD Plasma TV, must take advantage of that. Already pulled out the Corona in a can from last time, awaiting our arrival hahaha. I also want to journal a bit. Utilize the time for reflection. What's next keeps on poping up in my head. Still thinking about Austin. Had a good talk with M last night at the last bar, reminder of things that need to happen. Looking forward to mojitos at the cuban place, the private saltwater pool/beach, swimming in the ocean and feeling the sand in my toes. I keep on thinking vacation is almost over, but really I have 5 full days here, its just begining. Only checked work e-mail once so far, then quickly turned it back off, no need to be obsessive. My boss did tell me to relax and enjoy.
PS... Lots of cute "manly men" in MSP, but I have a feel they are the same duds.........
Now, its time for beach and sun. Trying to plan a mini-getaway while here, but its snowbird season so everything within a reasonable driving distance is over $150 a night, not exactly within budget. I want to make the most of our time here, relax, still need to figure out how to do that, I'm still in city mode. I have a few books, I want to read, actually I should pull one out instead being on this stupid thing. Maybe watch a few movies, my Dad just got a kickass 52" HD Plasma TV, must take advantage of that. Already pulled out the Corona in a can from last time, awaiting our arrival hahaha. I also want to journal a bit. Utilize the time for reflection. What's next keeps on poping up in my head. Still thinking about Austin. Had a good talk with M last night at the last bar, reminder of things that need to happen. Looking forward to mojitos at the cuban place, the private saltwater pool/beach, swimming in the ocean and feeling the sand in my toes. I keep on thinking vacation is almost over, but really I have 5 full days here, its just begining. Only checked work e-mail once so far, then quickly turned it back off, no need to be obsessive. My boss did tell me to relax and enjoy.
PS... Lots of cute "manly men" in MSP, but I have a feel they are the same duds.........
Monday, March 23, 2009
Crystal Ball?
It's not just Seattle. When I arrived here, I thought wow this place is great, it was sunny, I was on vacation and the world was great. Slowly its gotten a bit more gray, today it rained. This trip wasn't so much what I expected. I'm hoping things will change when we get to Florida. It's been great to see Jamie but somehow I feel a disconnect. With this place, with her.
I feel depressed. Part of me wants to be on vacation, happy, feel relaxed. Instead I'm staying in a cramped apartment on the floor and its a bit anticlimatic. I really think I'm not meant for this weather. Instead I wake up thinking, well, what today. We had fun Saturday night, flirted with some cute boys and drank and ate fried cheese curds. I have improved my mario cart skills.
I'm finding myself playing on my phone, not really in the moment, yet the phone doesn't even really entertain me. Maybe I had such high hopes for vacation that its fallen short? Hopefully it will get better tomorrow. I need it.
I feel depressed. Part of me wants to be on vacation, happy, feel relaxed. Instead I'm staying in a cramped apartment on the floor and its a bit anticlimatic. I really think I'm not meant for this weather. Instead I wake up thinking, well, what today. We had fun Saturday night, flirted with some cute boys and drank and ate fried cheese curds. I have improved my mario cart skills.
I'm finding myself playing on my phone, not really in the moment, yet the phone doesn't even really entertain me. Maybe I had such high hopes for vacation that its fallen short? Hopefully it will get better tomorrow. I need it.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Challenges
What makes us challenge ourselves? What drives the inner challenges we face, overcome and often avoid. A friend commented that my desire to work hard, overcome or move forward is fear of loss. I sometimes wonder what really drives me? Is it wanting to succeed? Or am I a follower?
Tonight I had my first ever personal training session, rather "fitness orientation" at my gym, aka we are going to try to sell you on personal training. As the cute trainer, asked me questions about my overall health, eating, workout routine and personal health/fitness goals, I found myself candidly answering his questions. Why do I use the treadmill, well the thinner/more fit people do so that's why I switched. Do I stretch, no. Have I focused on strength training this past year, no. Part of me knew, there was no hiding from the truth. Sometimes I do well- take the vitamins, drink water, eat healthy and work out on a regular basis and other moments, I have beer, eat the basket of chips and my workout bag remains untouched. Yes, I want to lose 20lbs, 10 by March 20. Of course that is an attainable goal, let me tell you how we can do this, he laid out a plan, all for $480 for 6 sessions, yeah right. He gave me a few good hints about why I hadn't been toning the way I wanted/flattening my stomach, no more using weight machines rather I had to use my own strength, stability and balance, that means working harder. Stretching. Must do it to tone. Cardio was ok. Honestly, if I stick with my workouts, eat healthy (and regularly) and get enough sleep, I can lose the 10lbs on my own. It's challenge. I know that, would I prefer to have the cute flirtatious personal trainer cheer me on, yes, but realistically it is not within my budget. For a (very) brief moment, I thought oh I can charge it, but M and Mint started screaming NO, my head quickly went back to reality. I did after all just commit to a more expensive phone, can't add more expenses when I am trying to consolidate. I need to find the happy medium- liking my body, my size and most of all total health.
And then there's dating. I achieved my goal for January. I am starting to recognize patterns. A candid conversation with Lyz and Michael made me realize a few valid points- no more introverts. Online dating, why are they online? Well they don't have the full rich life. M said, you know I was happy single, his comment resonated in my own life as well, was/am I truly unhappy single? What is wrong with living a rich and full life? A few things- intimacy, we can all "please" ourselves, but we can't be intimate in that way with ourselves, rather the closeness we feel with a partner is what is truly lacking in my life. More than weight loss and personal health, this is going to be my greatest challenge. Finding that person who makes me happy, who makes my stomach flutter and most all treats me like gold. I already have wonderful people who I can talk to, friends who support me- some 5 minutes away, (a short) 85 miles and others hundreds, but all integral parts of my life. We talk on the phone, twitter, e-mail, text and Facebook. I cherish them, I really do and made me realize I couldn't let a mediocre person replace what I already had, wanting something rather than nothing. Many times, I do have to remind myself, I am only 26 (which I had to think about for a moment at the gym today when asked my age).
Personal interests- where do I challenge myself? This weekend I wanted to conquer a mini fear, something I hadn't done in years. With Michael's patience and support, we started the process. My calves are a bit bruised, but that's OK. In a few weeks when I go back up to Bellingham, we'll pick up where we left off. I shy away from what scares me. It's automatic. I hold back. Fear? Not wanting to get hurt mostly. I love travel, every year I say I want to go to Italy, but it hasn't happened yet. I went to Austin last weekend, Florida in a month, Sasquatch in May, possibly San Fran this summer for M's graduation and then Austin again for ACL. I've figured out how to do the weekend trips, yet part of me yearns for something grander, longer and out of the country. Why have I not challenged myself to make this happen? I started the process of decorating my apartment, that too lingers with so much more that could be done- the kitchen, my bedroom and adding more picture frames in the hallway. Oh and Pradabelle, only a 55, she needs to work on getting to 70, I know it's silly, but It's a big goal.
Professionally? Almost 3 years later, I am still at RH Pink. It feels different though. I am finally starting to embrace my roll at the company, make it my own. I actually feel content, I'm not looking for more, wishing things were different. I see challenge in my job, not disdain. I know where I want to be- breaking the glass ceiling, working in a corporate setting, it will come but for now I need to conquer my own personal career challenges, establish myself as a manager and find peace in my career path. I finally have a professional mentor/boss, it's not a bad thing.
Many of these thoughts have been floating around in my head recently. I wanted to blog about them, but the context was missing. Tonight it finally came together, challenge. Keeping my eye on the prize and breaking out of my mold while holding true to myself. I can do this. I have the energy within in me. My December slump aka winter depression is officially over. Our country overcame huge challenges this past year while embarking on a new era with momentous challenges ahead. The new tag line, yes we can seems almost applicable to so many facets that I need to remind myself the slogan of 2008 each time I find an excuse as to why I can't.
Tonight I had my first ever personal training session, rather "fitness orientation" at my gym, aka we are going to try to sell you on personal training. As the cute trainer, asked me questions about my overall health, eating, workout routine and personal health/fitness goals, I found myself candidly answering his questions. Why do I use the treadmill, well the thinner/more fit people do so that's why I switched. Do I stretch, no. Have I focused on strength training this past year, no. Part of me knew, there was no hiding from the truth. Sometimes I do well- take the vitamins, drink water, eat healthy and work out on a regular basis and other moments, I have beer, eat the basket of chips and my workout bag remains untouched. Yes, I want to lose 20lbs, 10 by March 20. Of course that is an attainable goal, let me tell you how we can do this, he laid out a plan, all for $480 for 6 sessions, yeah right. He gave me a few good hints about why I hadn't been toning the way I wanted/flattening my stomach, no more using weight machines rather I had to use my own strength, stability and balance, that means working harder. Stretching. Must do it to tone. Cardio was ok. Honestly, if I stick with my workouts, eat healthy (and regularly) and get enough sleep, I can lose the 10lbs on my own. It's challenge. I know that, would I prefer to have the cute flirtatious personal trainer cheer me on, yes, but realistically it is not within my budget. For a (very) brief moment, I thought oh I can charge it, but M and Mint started screaming NO, my head quickly went back to reality. I did after all just commit to a more expensive phone, can't add more expenses when I am trying to consolidate. I need to find the happy medium- liking my body, my size and most of all total health.
And then there's dating. I achieved my goal for January. I am starting to recognize patterns. A candid conversation with Lyz and Michael made me realize a few valid points- no more introverts. Online dating, why are they online? Well they don't have the full rich life. M said, you know I was happy single, his comment resonated in my own life as well, was/am I truly unhappy single? What is wrong with living a rich and full life? A few things- intimacy, we can all "please" ourselves, but we can't be intimate in that way with ourselves, rather the closeness we feel with a partner is what is truly lacking in my life. More than weight loss and personal health, this is going to be my greatest challenge. Finding that person who makes me happy, who makes my stomach flutter and most all treats me like gold. I already have wonderful people who I can talk to, friends who support me- some 5 minutes away, (a short) 85 miles and others hundreds, but all integral parts of my life. We talk on the phone, twitter, e-mail, text and Facebook. I cherish them, I really do and made me realize I couldn't let a mediocre person replace what I already had, wanting something rather than nothing. Many times, I do have to remind myself, I am only 26 (which I had to think about for a moment at the gym today when asked my age).
Personal interests- where do I challenge myself? This weekend I wanted to conquer a mini fear, something I hadn't done in years. With Michael's patience and support, we started the process. My calves are a bit bruised, but that's OK. In a few weeks when I go back up to Bellingham, we'll pick up where we left off. I shy away from what scares me. It's automatic. I hold back. Fear? Not wanting to get hurt mostly. I love travel, every year I say I want to go to Italy, but it hasn't happened yet. I went to Austin last weekend, Florida in a month, Sasquatch in May, possibly San Fran this summer for M's graduation and then Austin again for ACL. I've figured out how to do the weekend trips, yet part of me yearns for something grander, longer and out of the country. Why have I not challenged myself to make this happen? I started the process of decorating my apartment, that too lingers with so much more that could be done- the kitchen, my bedroom and adding more picture frames in the hallway. Oh and Pradabelle, only a 55, she needs to work on getting to 70, I know it's silly, but It's a big goal.
Professionally? Almost 3 years later, I am still at RH Pink. It feels different though. I am finally starting to embrace my roll at the company, make it my own. I actually feel content, I'm not looking for more, wishing things were different. I see challenge in my job, not disdain. I know where I want to be- breaking the glass ceiling, working in a corporate setting, it will come but for now I need to conquer my own personal career challenges, establish myself as a manager and find peace in my career path. I finally have a professional mentor/boss, it's not a bad thing.
Many of these thoughts have been floating around in my head recently. I wanted to blog about them, but the context was missing. Tonight it finally came together, challenge. Keeping my eye on the prize and breaking out of my mold while holding true to myself. I can do this. I have the energy within in me. My December slump aka winter depression is officially over. Our country overcame huge challenges this past year while embarking on a new era with momentous challenges ahead. The new tag line, yes we can seems almost applicable to so many facets that I need to remind myself the slogan of 2008 each time I find an excuse as to why I can't.
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