Emotionally Drained

I was so excited for the gym tonight. The sun was shinning but I was heading inside to run on the treadmill, still feeling the adrenaline rush from Monday's workout, ready for the challenge of running just a little bit more. I was talking to my dad updating him on recent work events (more to come on that). 30 Minutes later I went to turn on the ignition, nothing, my car wouldn't start. I thought maybe I had pulled a blond, was the car in park, yes, no, it really should start. FUCK. After several phone calls with M, including finding out that my mom had neglected to pay the AAA bill which lapsed in July, I had them coming. i called my mom and screamed and swore, how could she forget to pay the most crucial bill, its meant for emergencies, this isn't the first time there have been problems, lapsed bills that could potentially lead to serious issues. Miraculously my car started 30 minutes later, thank you to S (both of you!) and M for being there. I talked to Sherrie for awhile. She said you know we are your family, those who are there for you in emergencies, its us and Michael, not your mom. I know that, its proved time and time again.

Tonight I tried calling her around 8:30pm, busy. Finally around 9:15pm I get a phone call from her, she says I assume you got home fine. I say yes, explain that I got my car started. Then she quickly moves onto another topic, the random neighbor who I've met twice has cancer and other frivolous topics. I think to myself, my friends called, checked to make sure everything was ok, you call two hours later and had been on the phone all night, what if there was a major problem, it shows your lack of caring. I become more and more emotionally detached, I don't call my mom for support. Even when I want support, its lacking. This was the final straw, I'm done. It's time that I take control whether its wanted or not, clearly she's incapable of handling her own finances. I've also officially detached myself. I'm done. It hurts more than anything in the world, but I have to. It hurts too much to want more, to in the back of my head secretly hope that she'll say I love you, give me a hug when I see her or ask me a question about something in my life.

On a good note, the unknown at work finally came through Friday. I have a HUGE career change coming with multiple benefits. I (hopefully) will finally be challenged at work. It's a step forward not a step backwards plus a generous raise which is so badly needed. Contract still yet to be signed, not officially anounced in the work place so I have to be somewhat vague (sorry A!). I cannot wait for weeks to come and for the change to happen, I feel a difference even in myself and my approach to my work, I'm not dreading the day, the tasks rather I know that I'm noticed and recognized, my attention to detail, follow through and professional has been noticed by the once that matters, that means the world to me.