I keep talking about a shake up- there's something missing, yeah the job/work situation could be better, a significant other/more active dating life and home isn't quite right. The idea of Austin still resides in the back of my head. Moving abroad to Europe- possibly.
Some individuals- M & K especially don't think I should leave Seattle, thats not the solution. My life here is busy, I'm actually too busy- barely enough time to take care of the necessities. So what makes me tick? I'm not quite sure. Maybe thats the problem, not knowing my purpose.
This weekend was spent mostly with the "old" friends- J & M with a bit of seeing K & N, the new friends and randomly running into S twice in 24 hours! Both J & M have made big changes in their lives (Bham/school for M & MN/marriage for J) but we manage to continue to be "good" friends, I know both of them really well, trust them, care about them, in some ways they are my family. I brought laundry to J's mom's house & we had "family" dinner; M and I, well its complicated, but we easily fall into a routine together, It's comfortable. In someways they make me tick, my life depends on others to make me happy, which isn't how it should be.
"Community" it was the buzz word in college, we still laugh about that word, however I do have one here. Seeing S around town was evidence of my newly formed Seattle community. M said he never had that here, I for sure didn't for a long time. Community does make me tick- my activities reflect my interests. However my soul isn't here. I'm not really sure where my soul resides. I fill up my calendar- each weekend is full literally: next block party/hiking/Bellingham, the following weekend teamworks, then Victoria/camping with M, then labor day weekend Jess/Bumbershoot?, beach camping and then Austin in September! Weeks fill up easily with different social events. Gym and dieting have taken a backseat in my life, however I seemed to be happier when I went to the gym on a regular basis- body image continues to be a struggle- I'm trying to overcome it, but its a long uphill battle.
I'm trying to face fears/obstacles- but its a battle, my anxiety for sure gets in the way, the belief in my head that I can't do it, the large brick blocking my progress. There are things I want to try- biking (haven't been on a bike in over 10 years), running (still haven't made it for a full run yet), photography (need a new camera), learn to drive a stick (the 1st time was a bit rocky), blogging (need more time to figure it out), learn indesign/photoshop (i feel lost)... the excuses are plentiful.
How do I move forward with progress in my life? When will I reach that happy medium?
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I loved (LOVED!) running into you this weekend so do not take the following as anything to the contrary but... really, check out Austin. I am a big believer in taking a major risk like moving to a new place and from everything I've heard, Austin is a great place to find community AND bike AND take pictures and do all those things you've been wanting to do. Nothing like being in a new place to help you shake out of ruts. I am very excited to go along on this journey with you! Way to ask the questions.
Eric Hoffer:
The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else- we are the busiest people in the world.
Henry David Thoreau:
It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?
I've heard/read references to you being busy now a handful of times. And it seems like that's where your discontent lies. You're trying to find what makes you tick, but are distracted by the activities, the "busyness."
Not that I look for advice from eharmony (came up with relevant search terms!), but this is actually a pretty good article on this very subject:
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/busyness-the-modern-disease
The authors are actually profs at SPU.
It makes some great points though about really taking time out from just "doing a bunch of stuff" and thinking about what you're doing. Being present with friends. Taking the time to just "be." You've talked about having "me" days and I you sound so happy when you have them.
Leave your cell phone at home and go for a long walk. No ipod. No phone. No distractions. Just L-train and her thoughts. Why is the gym on the back burner? You talk about this being something that has made you happy - but what is the root cause to avoiding it?
Just to play devil's advocate - change in scenery can be good, but sometimes it can also be just another way you're "running away" from figuring out "what makes you tick." Sure, Austin (or Europe, or wherever) could be just the adventure, the "shake-up" you're looking for. But what happens when you've been in the new place for awhile and you're back in the same place? Will you end up back in the same place? Are you running away from something? Running towards something?
I'm a big believer in life happening despite our best laid plans. The more we think we know, the less we really do. But that feeling of meaningfulness, of purpose, of satisfaction - maybe you can find it without the big shake up.
It's all about the process(ing). Like S said - way to ask the questions! Neither of us have the answers - and I am also looking forward to going on this journey with you!
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