Perspective

Purpose and Perspective. These two words seem ever so present right now in my life. Avenue Q touched upon purpose in an ever so hilarious but thoughtful way. The mid-twenties crisis seems to be all about finding purpose. Yes, even through raunchy puppet sex, singing along to everyone's a bit racist and the internet is for porn, I found a bit of perspective about my life. We all are trying to find the right job/career and partner, both oddly connected. Sometimes we settle, stay in a situation that is bad for us too long and miss out on something that is good for us. We aimlessly wander but through these experiences or rather mistakes, we learn about ourselves, growing up and really what we want out of life. I am the hardest on myself, others I forgive and encourage, while I criticize my decisions, settle for less than I should both career wise and in men. I still don't quite understand my purpose rather I hope that with each decision I will figure it out. My "plan" that I laid out for myself when I was younger doesn't seem right- marriage and children in my twenties. Travel doesn't seem to happen, but don't I have to take risks? In the end generally things will be ok. Maybe I should make it a goal to research international opportunities and go for it, next year? I can always come back to Seattle. I set such high goals for myself, standards that aren't realistic. Break down the goals. I somehow wonder how I actually lost the 90lbs, was it all a lie- how did the scale really go down. But really it's all about perspective. I still see myself as the fattest person in the room.
And I have the unstable parent, no one else does.

We read the Glass Castle this month. I remember over a year ago starting the book, reading about the woman on park avenue with the homeless parent. It was all too close to home, I knew I would like the book, but part of me wasn't ready to deal with reality therefore I never finished the book. I finally finished it. Jeanette accepts her parents with such grace and insight. Throughout reading I kept thinking about my mother. My picture perfect childhood- completely the opposite of hers- private school, nice restaurants, shopping and vacations. Money wasn't really a concern. However there were signs- the hiding of the credit card bills, the dirty house, my stay at home mom that I didn't really know what she did all day, the old beat up car while my friends parents drove pristine Volvos and Mercedes and wearing the dirty clothes with holes. These things embarrassed me amongst my upper middle class peers. Now, I oddly identify with Jeanette's struggle. I have a parent who asked me to pay for plane tickets because she didn't have the money, losing the drivers license, sleeping on the floor- signs of severe depression- when I bring these things up, the response is its not your worry or a quick change of conversation or I have to go. No my parents were not alcoholics nor was there ever abuse, practically the polar opposite. However as my father put it the other night, my mothers world shattered. How do I accept this new world and the fact that I cannot keep fixing it for her. Towards the end the Wall kids realize this, the same cycle repeats itself. The last time she asked me to take care of the plane tickets, I refused, my father was furious and ordered me not to fix the situation, that it would happen again and again, I was enabling. If I buy her a new bed, I am enabling. I pay for a house cleaner, again I enable. I was shocked at how much I identified with this book. They found their peace and balance. I need to find mine. I can't crumble inside when I see my mother, its not healthy. Yet, I could see a future that is pretty grim. Just like when I hear my mother talking about shopping at thrift stores and wearing my hand me downs, the woman who used to spend hundreds of dollars at Nordstrom. Perspective and Purpose. Finding both is going to be a challenge. I figured out being selfish. Now I need to learn the two P's.