cycle repeat

I'm sitting in my car under the carport, avoiding going home to the mess of my apartment, part of me thinks if I avoid long enough then I can just go have beers with chuck. Tears so badly wanting to come out. I've pretty much resolved that I'll be alone forever. It's me against the world. It's been a rough start to the year. I'm doubting so much in my life. And people. Ones you thought were there for you, not so much. High school stuff is back. I'm tired and done. The tiredness, it's killing me right now, wake up early, cats waking me up in the middle of the night, not really sleeping, repeat. I desperately need a break. From everything. Turn my brain off for just a moment. Turn everything off. There are moments I dream of another life, no Rh brown, no Seattle, no body issues, nothing. Peace and quiet

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

The Happiness Project

I feel a new chapter opening up in my life. It's called the Happiness Project. N recently has me reading my horoscope, not one of those cheesy ones telling me I will meet the love of my life on the 14th, rather one more about patterns and insight, resulting in reflection. Hers has been spot on this year in respect to her love life. Until now, I was a bit unsure about mine. I understood the general direction, but unclear as to the exact attributes. Obviously travel and exploration seem to play an integral in my life right now with an impending trip to France this fall.

This evening I met with four other women who throughout this journey will remain anonymous. Tonight we talked about some of our individual goals and aspirations. I feel really good about this group. Tonight I learned more about some personally than I knew. Friendships have the opportunity to grow, support and accountability. Within our conversation I realized a few things about myself. The first step is to read the book- well I joked, I've had it for 25 days and I haven't really touched it beyond browsing, getting a sense of the ideas, the purpose. I brought forth a few goals and aspirations for this year, well for myself. Others have similar intentions.

Looking forward to moving forward to the next step, opening a new phase of my life and finding my own personal happiness.

Finding Love

It's not technically Valentines Day as it is now 12:03, February 15. Regardless, I am writing about love. Tonight I logged into OkCupid, the cheap/free dating site I pretty much abandoned a year ago, maybe it was shingles who left the bitter taste in my mouth or rather the abundance of trolls on the site. I checked messages I've dutifully ignored, one from a gentleman using the wrong tense of there with multiple mis-spelled words on his profile, delete and a handful of other losers. Literally. I won't lie, part of me thinks that some day when I least expect it I'll meet my "Danny" as Shauna did, but realistically for a site I put next to no effort into I shouldn't have such expectations.

My love life can be described as silent. Not uncharastic for me. Not even a humm. Last year I was sort of dating shingles boy, we didn't talk on Vday, the relationship had already faded. My interest had dwindled. After that was my PBR night, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I sort of see myself as perpetually single. It's funny I have a difficult time imagining myself in a relationship. I'm oddly happy in my single state. Still attempting to love myself.

Do I believe in love? I am not entirely sure. I know the love I feel for friends, my kitties, the joys in life and my family. Does love exist? I guess. Valentines Day all the professing of love seems to come out of the woodwork. People tweet about their significant others, friends and families. It seems the holiday has morphed, many stating that they don't acknowledge the holiday because of the many years they spent hating the holiday when they were single. Ironically I don't have valentines day. In the past I did. Today, was just another day. Brunch with S, stopped by the Disc Center to see N, movie with R & M (plus Mr. C) and now I'm up thinking about things (which is ok because I don't have to work tomorrow).

Walking to my car from the movie, Myra and I spotted a leg belonging to a barbie doll in the parking lot. I immediately recognized the leg. A few hours later I am wasting time on Facebook, I happen to look at my childhood friend's profile who I spent countless hours playing barbies with, she's engaged. Many moons ago if you had asked, undoubtly we'd be each others maids of honor, today we are strangers. That barbie leg however was a connection, we even had a room dedicated to such play. So many times we had the barbies walk "down the aisle," I believe I even had a wedding dress. Developmentally I didn't quite grasp the concept of love. Here and now I turly wonder how much I have progressed.

My free will astrology horoscope says this:
In my view, 2010 is the year you should expand your world. That could mean enlarging your circle of allies or building a bigger web of connections. It might mean broadening your appeal or widening your frame of reference or opening your mind to possibilities you've been closed to. It may even involve extending your territory or increasing the range of your travels. However you choose to expand, Taurus, I urge you to put love at the heart of your efforts. Love should be the fuel that motivates you and the reference point that ensures you're always making smart moves. For inspiration, memorize this line by poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." In your case, Taurus, "thee" should mean the whole world. Happy Valentine Daze!

Interesting that it's not about loving someone else or a romantic relationship, rather loving myself and the world. Travel- increasing the range of my travels. France. It's where my heart is right now. So much so I am having a difficult time focusing on the here and now.

And this statement, has me thinking about love:
My Taurus friend Jill had a dream in which she stopped by a blackberry bush on a summer afternoon. All the ripe blackberries were too high on the bush, just out of reach. She stood there gazing longingly up at them for a long time. Finally three people in medieval garb came by, as if having stepped out of a deck of Tarot cards -- a warrior, magician, and priestess. "I really want those blackberries," she said to them. "Could you give me a boost?" They stooped down to make their backs available. She climbed up, but still couldn't reach the berries. "Oh well, we tried," she said. "Follow us," said the priestess, and she did. After a while they came to another bush whose blackberries were lower and easy to pluck. Then the four shared the feast. After analyzing the omens for 2010, Taurus, I've come to the conclusion that Jill's dream is an apt metaphor for your best possible destiny in 2010.

Framing My Life

A year ago my focus was cultivating motel 6, slowly I lost that focus with other aspects of my life, routines faded finding myself "filling" my time. Something changed recently, my urge to find peace, but mostly expression in my home. The reality of growing up hit hard. Thirty is getting closer & closer. My fairy tale image of what my life should be is not. Does that mean I cannot have a home, no.

Last night, I intentionally hosted a dinner party, invested in a game and bought bottles of wine. Above my bed is a chandelier decal, slighty swinging, I'm hanging pictures, art and focusing on maintaining peace in my living space. It's not always about perfection, I am reminded of this daily. I am OCD, not the anal cleaner type, but the one who says if it's not perfect then why try. Breaking down that thought proccess is difficult. I know I have wonderful friends who help make my home a home, that the popcorn ceilings don't matter & I deserve to make myself a good meal.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Worlds Collide

Tonight my friend invited me over to watch a silly girly movie. We gathered at her home, she had invited some new people. I walk in, introduce myself. I notice someone, she looks oddly familiar, immediately she comments. I rack my brain but can't figure it out. We watch the movie, then chat, learn more about each other. One girl brought homemade pickled green beans picked from her garden. Another leftover holiday desserts. Simple.

Finally I ask familiar looking girl, did you go to college around here. Yes, she replies. UPS? Yup. We graduated the same year. We had Women and Global Inequality together my junior year. My favorite class in college with my favorite professor. Yes, that's why she looks familiar.

Funny how the universe brings us together. A dear friend I met via Twitter, invited another person she wanted to get to know more via Twitter. Our lives connect. The world is smaller than we think. Communities collide. Each day mine grows. The roots spreading farther and farther, making more connections. Sometimes intentional.

I'm thankful for my roots growing. They support me. Some older, stronger. Others still young, fresh, but equally important.

Friendship

Bright and early a text appeared on my phone, from D saying guess who just landed on US soil, I jumped for joy, she's back. A month ago she left for an epic trip to Australia. Hearing her voice on the phone was so familiar, I could talk to her for hours, just like that, no time had passed yet so much had happened in our lives.

A similar experience Sunday evening. Celebrating S's birthday, we shared mac n cheese, champagne & cupcakes, her favorites. Sitting on the couch conversing, S, Nora & N., I thought wow, I've really missed these ladies. I can see new people a thousand times, but there's nothing like a true friend. S busy with the election, N playing more soccer & nesting with J and me discovering a new world, our lives converging less and less, but that's ok, as N says. Two years ago, these ladies weren't in my life. I was struggling to find my place in Seattle, friends to call my own. Our friendship has grown. I'm extremely thankful for them. We share each others journey- jobs, boyfriends and passions.

I still continue to build my network. Food friends becoming real friends. Learning more about each others lives, sharing. Joking today with M that some are now even more real, we are Gchat friends, ha!

Thankful for the old and new. And yes, sometimes a bit of distance reminds us how much we do care.

waiting

I'm early for once, well actually instead of going home I decided to come straight to dinner spot. I can smell the pizza from the street. This is my life, sometimes I want to shake myself, is it real. How did I get so lucky.

I'm watching a little girl have a meltdown. All too often in my head I'm throwing the tantrum. On a side note, how cute they speak French! I digress. I need to learn to verbalize my feelings & emotions. Stand up for myself. Not a hard concept. Ardous. The wall prevents the words, instead they sputter, the fauwcet is dry.

Take more risks. Explore. Embrace. Live by my advice. Oh and continue to find myself.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]